Elio paused as he struggled to hold back his sobs. I slowly and gently ran my fingers along his back and nudged my left cheek against his shoulder. Elio let out a laugh that expelled a few noticeable shots of snot from his nose. He rubbed his right cheek along the top of my head and let out a deep sigh. “But I couldn’t get away from Mason,” he said as I felt his head tilt down with shame. “Not really.”

Elio struggled to inhale as tears trickled from his eyes and slowly soaked the tips of my hair. “I remember driving for about three straight hours,” he said, “drinking an extra-large black coffee I only vaguely remember purchasing from some lone gas station along the highway. I was using my left leg to hold the steering wheel while I packed and smoked several bowls of weed. I would take long hits from the pipe before belting out the lyrics to a Best of Creedence Clearwater Revival album I kept repeatedly playing in an effort to forget everything that happened.”

Elio chuckled nervously. I nestled my head deeper into the crux of his shoulder as a playful way of saying, “Go on.”

“I don’t remember the name of the town I was driving through, but I do remember that it was early in the afternoon, the sun was blazing, and I was tired, high, and still drunk from the night before. I remember seeing a motel on the side of the town’s main road. Without even thinking, I found myself pulling into its parking lot and asking for a room from a clerk that seemed oblivious to the fact that I could barely stand up straight or speak a coherent sentence.” Elio let out a low laugh and muttered, “I guess I must be better at acting sober than I thought.” I smiled in acknowledgement of how surprisingly easy it is to pass for sober when you’re high off your ass on drugs and alcohol.

“Anyway,” Elio continued, “I dragged my stuff into the room, pulled the blinds closed, and sat in semi-darkness on the edge of the bed. I took off the sunglasses that had helped me disguise my obvious inebriation and stared at myself in the mirror that hung on the wall across from me. My eyes glowed an unnaturally bright red that was terrifying. My skin was gray, my face was gaunt, and my whole body looked sunken and defeated. Is this what being in love is? I thought. Pain, sadness, and sickness? Is being in love just a form of dying?” Elio ground his jaw in a form of rhythmic anxiety. “I decided in that moment that if pain was all that love was, then I didn’t want to be in love. And somehow, I came to think that the only way to stop being in love was to stop being alive. So, I just started drinking in the hopes that I would die of alcohol poisoning.”

A silence overwhelmed us that felt thick with sadness. Tears ran down my cheeks and dripped onto Elio’s chest. He raised his hand and gently wiped away the gathering puddle.

“It didn’t work, obviously,” Elio stated. “I blacked-out at some point and woke up hours later to dozens of messages from my mother asking where I was and what had happened to me. I called and told her I was okay, and that I just needed some time to myself. I could tell she sensed something was wrong. But she didn’t ask any questions, so I didn’t offer any explanations. I just drove home and didn’t tell anybody anything about what had happened.” Elio paused and straightened his neck. “Except for Mason. I tried to tell him what happened, but, as usual, he said he didn’t remember anything about the camping trip. So, I decided to just drop the subject.”      

Elio lit a cigarette and took three long drags. “After that, things became awkward between us. We started hanging out less. But when we did hang out, we would just flirt, non-stop, for hours at a time. It was great! But also confusing. I couldn’t be sure if he liked me as a friend or as something more. Eventually, I got to a point where I just couldn’t keep doing it. Couldn’t keep being hurt. Couldn’t keep wondering what his feelings were. Couldn’t keep playing his game. Couldn’t keep living his lie. So, I stopped hanging out with him. Completely.” Elio let this last word linger in the smoke-filled space between us. “I’ve barely talked to him in the last few years.”

“How did Mason take that?” I asked quietly.

“Okay, I guess,” Elio replied as he let out a sarcastic laugh. “He’s got two kids now with his long-time girlfriend. So, he couldn’t have taken it that badly.”

I cringed as I instantly regretted asking that question. “I’m sorry,” I muttered timidly.

“It’s okay,” Elio replied as he stared absently through my bedroom door. “You didn’t know.”

“So…did you ever do stuff with anyone else?” I asked reluctantly, though I was curious to learn more about his past sexual experiences.

Elio shook his head. “No. Mason really messed me up and I just…I couldn’t…I couldn’t be with anyone else. I didn’t want to be with anyone else. I didn’t know how to be with anyone else.” This shocked me; someone as beautiful as Elio not wanting to have anyone, even though I was certain that plenty of people, both men and women, would have willingly thrown themselves at him.

“So, I just forgot about love and sex,” Elio said matter-of-factly. “I convinced myself I was asexual and what I felt for Mason was just a momentary lapse of reason that would never happen again.” Elio spun his head to look me deep in the eyes. “Until I met you, and all that changed.”

I awkwardly smiled at him, momentarily afraid of the implications of his statement. “Do you want a drink?” I asked nervously. “I’m gonna make us each a drink!” I rushed to the kitchen and poured us each a stiff glass of whisky and coke. “Much better!” I exclaimed as I slid back under the covers and took a long swig from my nearly overflowing cup. 

Elio took a small sip of his drink then turned to look at me inquisitively. “And you? What’s your story? Am I your first?” He smiled and the two of us let out a low, quick laugh.

“No,” I replied. “I always liked guys more than I liked girls. To me, it seemed really natural, and I assumed every guy felt the same way I did. Until I got to junior high, and I realized that I was the only guy who liked other guys, and that other guys liked girls.” I took a long, deep sip of my drink and lit a cigarette. “This revelation scared me. It made me feel like a freak and an outcast.” Now it was time for my body to start trembling. “All I wanted was to feel normal, and to fit in, like everyone else.” I muttered this statement out of anger and jealousy. I puffed compulsively on my cigarette to calm my nerves. “So, I did everything I could to distance myself from anything that might even slightly be considered gay.” I twisted my head in an effort to gauge Elio's reaction to my saying the word “gay.” He stared blankly back at me and said nothing.

I continued my story without ever taking my eyes off Elio. “You see, I didn’t want to be gay. Not because I thought it was a bad thing, or that I thought it was unnatural or ungodly. But because it wasn’t my choice. I didn’t get a choice in my sexual orientation, and that bothered me. It made me feel like I didn’t have any control over my life. Because I wanted to have the choice. Even if I chose to be gay, I still wanted it to be my choice!” My voice grew louder and echoed through the entirety of the apartment. I settled down and contemplated telling Elio that this was the reason I began starving myself, then thought the better of it. “I convinced myself that being gay was a choice and I could choose to be straight if I wanted to. So, when I was seventeen, I had sex with a friend of a friend, a girl named Maddy, in the backseat of a car in her parents’ yard. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and she was more into it then I was. I just kept fantasizing about James Dean and what I would let him do to me if he were still alive. I barely even touched her. She wasn’t even sure if I’d gotten off or not.”

“So, that was when you knew you were gay?” Elio asked.

“Yeah.” I paused to light another cigarette. “Well, no. I still had my doubts. I was still convinced that just because I wasn’t into Maddy, didn’t mean I wasn’t into all women. But, at the same time, I was pretty sure I was gay, because I really wanted to have sex with a guy. Just to be sure.” I quickly turned my eyes away from Elio’s as I unconvincingly made this statement. “So, when I was twenty-one, I went to a gay bar with a friend and I hooked up with a guy named Mack. He was super cute, and really toned. Except for his belly, which looked soft but was actually quite firm. And he was dressed like a panda, as some sort of cosplay thing.” I chuckled at this last statement as saying it out loud sounded absolutely absurd. “He had a place nearby. So, after the bar closed, we wandered over there. We popped a bunch of MDMA and started making out. Then we took a shower together, thoroughly scrubbing each other clean. ‘In preparation,’ he said, ‘for something greater.’” A huge smile stretched across my face. “Then we fucked. For like an hour. I was the bottom, which I never thought I would be, or even wanted to be. But I enjoyed it.” I shook my head in doubt of my own statement. “Actually, I loved it! I mean, I really did!” My whole body sprang to life as I said these words. “That’s when I knew for sure. I mean, how could I not?”

We shared a long, hearty laugh. I turned to look Elio in the eyes again, trying to penetrate his soul with my steely gaze. He stared back at me with a frustrating aloofness. I don’t think I ever saw him blink. It was unnerving.

“So, that’s when I decided to come out. First to my friend, then to my younger brother, then to my parents, then to my other friends, and so on until I had told everyone I knew. Or at least everyone I cared about or cared to tell.” I awaited a response to this statement but received none. I licked my lips, opened and closed my mouth without speaking, and took a long drag from my cigarette.

“I was thinking. Instead of staying at some random person’s place, why don’t you just stay with me?” I was shocked as I found myself speaking these words, because they weren’t really the words I was intending to say. And yet, I was glad and unregretful that I had spoken them.

Elio sat up and bent his right arm. The entire weight of his thin, toned torso was cradled on his elbow, which was poised against the cushioned surface of my bed. “Are you serious?” he asked as he stared at me with a disbelieving look.

“Yeah, I’m fucking serious!” I replied confidently.

Elio scanned my face for signs of sarcasm or lies. Finding none, he allowed a smile of pure joy to stretch across his face. “Okay, let’s do it!”

I struggled to maintain my excitement as I heard this phrase. I clenched my jaw as I studied Elio's facial expression. It reflected a look of unbridled happiness as his mouth hung open and his eyes retained a glassy appearance that betrayed their intense focus.

“Fuck yeah!” I exclaimed as my eyes bore into Elio's and I struggled to keep my emotions in check.

“Fuck yeah!” Elio echoed as he dug his lips into my neck and began coating my skin in a series of quick, soft kisses.

My back straightened and a loud gasp expelled from the very depths of my lungs. I lurched forward and began to claw at the back of Elio’s head as his lips left a series of delirious sensations that spread across my exposed collar bone. The warmth and closeness of Elio’s body made me instantly hard. I abandoned any pre-conceived need to contain or control my arousal, and instead chose to once again give myself to this man that I barely knew, but knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.