There was something soft between my fingers, soothing me the longer they stayed wrapped in it. My head hurt, but whatever it was my fingers were tucked into made it a little more bearable. I buried my face in it, holding it a little closer to me, feeling it’s calming warmth. It was suddenly ripped from me, and I finally opened my eyes to sunlight and a very pissed off Nate—no it couldn’t have been Nate. The memory of last night came flooding back to me. How he broke up with me by boxing all my stuff up and taping a note to the door. How I ordered hard liquor after hard liquor at a bar to drown my sorrows. How I stumbled…into the road…I looked back at the Nate lookalike. He glared at me with black fox or wolf ears protruding from his head, a black tail out of my reach. Was I dead? Was I dreaming? The migraine told me it wasn’t a dream, at least.

I closed my eyes anyway, hoping the next time I opened them I’d be lying in a hospital bed, or in the gutter, or the bed in Nate’s apartment. Anywhere but here. “You…” I could feel his ire radiating to my core. “Who the hell are you?” He poked at my shoulder. “Wake up.”

I let out a small groan, closing my eyes tighter. “Leave me alone, I don’t even know where I am.” My eyes shot open at the sound of my voice. I did a quick pat-down of my body, not caring anymore if he was glaring at me. I let out nervous air. Everything I had so painstakingly changed was back in its original form. I wanted to cry, all that work gone to waste in a cruel twist of fate. I didn’t even try to hold back my tears, letting them fall as I stared at my stomach, at my chest. Then the note came right back to me. I would’ve preferred a simple Sorry, but I don’t love you anymore, to what Nate had written and taped to the door. I’m a terrible person, it said, for doing this right after you confided in me, but I can’t. I’ll pay your down payment on a new apartment. I’m sorry. The one word I didn’t want him to call me wasn’t hard to infer from his breakup note. A freak, that’s all I was to anybody. No matter what I removed, no matter what I injected into me, there was no changing the fact I had an extra piece that could never go away.

“Hey, stop crying.” I almost forgot where I was, his voice bringing me back to whatever hell I was experiencing now. I wiped my eyes, his face now much closer to mine. He sniffed the air, piercing green eyes scanning my face and body. “What are you? You smell like…like a female at the end of her cycle, but there’s something else.”

He me sniffed again. I was starting to have enough of all this weird fantasy bull. “Oh my God, stop it,” I said, pushing his face away, “and don’t say weird shit.”

He grabbed my wrist as I pulled my hand away. “Answer my questions or I’ll have you arrested for trespassing.” He tilted his head, looking so much like the dog I had in my childhood.

I stared him down, my migraine starting to dissipate. His eyes took on that of a wolf’s hunting his prey. It was better if I complied. “Saewulf,” a strong Anglo name for the thing I was, “Sae. Answer mine.” He raised his eyebrows, he wasn’t going to speak until I answered the question I really hoped he would’ve let me slip by. “Fine, if you must know, I…I’m…” I tried to remember the way it had been explained to me and how I had explained it to Nate. Simple terms was always best for this, especially since I didn’t know where I was or how much scientific knowledge this place had. “I was born with male and female…bits.”

“Bits?” He asked. I repeated the word. He scratched his chin. “So, Sae, you’re female? You could become pregnant?”

I was taken aback. “Well—” I closed my mouth. If everything I had done had been undone, then I could very well get pregnant. “Well, yes, b-but—” He picked me up and heaved me over his shoulder before I knew what was happening. “But I’ve lived my life as a male! And put me down!”

He laughed, his tail swishing back and forth in excitement as he walked, ignoring me. “Praise Kišwa! I might get an heir yet.”

I tried to grab his tail, but it swished just out of my reach. I hit his back instead, him only adjusting his grip on me in response. I stared out at the walls as he walked through halls. Open walkways, opulent pillars and ornaments decorating the moldings. I never got a good look at the ceiling, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if it was covered in one large painting. I saw countless women in a courtyard, talking, studying, sunning themselves, all with animal ears and tails. It appeared as if they had their own little utopia separate from wherever it was I was. Servants passed us, their only interaction sidelong glances.

He walked through an archway, declaring a wedding was in order as he sat me down. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin atop my head I stared out at the shocked men, sharing in their emotion. I tried to squirm free, he tightened his grip at every movement. “P-Paa Noa,” one of them managed the courage to speak, “you’ve already more wives than the Su’a Himself. Al-Already more children than him.”

Noa grabbed my chin with his hand. “Yes, but what does she remind you of?” I murmured it was “he”, and I watched a wolf-like ear twitch among the men. No one bothered to humor him. “Come, come, no wrong answers.” The room fell silent, their breathing seemed to stop. He squeezed my face. “Malawashi,” he said as if it was obvious, “without the ears and tail, of course.” The men nodded, acting as they knew all along but hadn’t been able to put their finger on it. “I want the wedding as soon as possible and send word to Aya to make up the finest bed for my heir’s mother.”

No one moved, but someone cleared his throat. “Vai, don’t you think you’re being too hard on Vai’a Aya?” He shrunk in on himself the longer he talked. “She’ll turn your wives against you if you’re not careful.”

He removed his hold on me, stalking towards the men sitting on the floor. This was my chance. I backed out slowly, as silently as I could until I passed the threshold. I took off running the moment my foot stepped over it. I didn’t know where I was going, just that I needed to get away. This was all too crazy, I’d rather be dead in a ditch than married off to some wolf-human hybrid who apparently had too many wives. More than one partner was already too much in my mind. I heard someone shout to capture me, that only made me pick up the pace.

I ran past open halls, the only thing separating the outside from the inside was a short wall. I would’ve jumped the first one I saw if didn’t lead to that courtyard full of women. The second I saw one that seemed to lead into an open field, I set myself up to jump it, all my high school track and field practice coming back in a wonderful muscle memory. Except, I was never all that good at the hurdles. Something seemed to sting the back of my neck, my foot catching the top of the wall. I stumbled, kept running while I felt to see if there was a bee, or a wasp stuck to my neck. I saw a dart, the ground, then darkness.

My body was rolling in numbing pleasure. Nothing else mattered but catching the waves as they came in. Everything felt heavy, blurry, like my body really wasn’t mine. I laughed at the funny shapes, wanting to catch them and eat them. I wanted to rub everything against my skin. The only thing I didn’t like was the involuntary twitching in my hands. It came and went, seeming to happen if I somehow missed out on that peaking wave. If I focused on that, the spasms didn’t seem so bad.

I turned myself over, expecting to feel the grass, I felt a soft blanket instead. Nothing felt real anymore, not even the pain of me falling from the bed as I tried to get out of it. There were hands all over me, trying to drag me away from the door. The heat of their hands on my skin was something I’d never felt before. It was tantalizingly blissful. I wanted more of that feeling, to absolutely drown in it. I felt like I was floating when they picked me up, forced me back in bed, practically holding me down.

The softest hand I had ever felt came to brush my hair from my forehead. My eye twitched. I grabbed its wrist with both my hands, it took a few tries before my fingers curled around it. I wanted it to stay on my face, to stay against my skin. “How long will she be like this?” I heard a voice, not understanding most of the words.

I stopped playing with the hand long enough to slur out, “I’maguy.”

I grasped at the hand. “This will have no side effects?” I moved the fingers around, suddenly fascinated with the way each knuckle moved. “I’m hesitant to use poisons from the west for these sorts of things.”

It tried to move away, a slight jingle sounding as it did. I held onto the hand, seeing the gold bracelets for the first time. “Small doses, Vai, are harmless.” I tried to slide a bracelet off its wrist. “A drop or two won’t cause anything more than the same effects as darkbloom powder without the immediate addiction.”

The hand tore itself from mine but gave me a bracelet in exchange. Gemstones hung from it, making small noises when I spun it around. “‘Without the immediate addiction’?” A shape that looked an awful lot like Nate picked up a hazy shape by the collar. “What in Kišwa’s name made you think that’d be okay?” I wasn’t sure how I got there, but I was standing behind Noa, hand grasping his linen shirt. I must’ve looked like a child trying to get his parents to stop fighting; my brain wasn’t working quite right from whatever poison I’d been stabbed with. He let go of the man, turned so he was facing me, then got on one knee so I wouldn’t have to crane my neck up to look at him. He held the hand I had grabbed him with. “What must I do for you to stay in bed for a few more hours, 'ai'ata?”  

I stared at his wolf ears forgetting he wasn’t fully an animal. I touched one of them, rubbing the soft fur between my fingers. “You’avesof’ears,” I said, sounding more and more like a toddler beginning to speak the longer I tried to.

His ear kept moving from between my fingers, trying to shake them off. “Right,” he picked me up, this time in a bridal carry, “send word to the harem to have Atu’e meet me at the door.” I slipped the bracelet on my wrist as he started moving, wanting to savor the floaty feeling. I wanted to stroke his ears more, to hold onto his tail. My hands trembled, my focus turning back to the jingle of the bracelet. The stone caught the light, shining in interesting patterns against the wall.

I was so focused on the bracelet I hadn’t realized Noa had handed me off to another man. Noa talked with a woman who had oddly colored hair, kissing her before leaving. I stared at him, feeling something break in me. Any of the bubbly sensations this poison I was being influence by went away at the sight of that kiss. I rubbed my eyes, my face, he was back, it was okay. I was the only one he was allowed to love.