“Is everything okay?”, Astrea asked as I got myself to bed.  

We already got used to being together and sleeping together. We were already part of each other’s routine and were recognizing little by little our small habits. She no longer asked me if I needed help getting to bed. She said I was too stubborn, but she understood. Back with my family, they would never pay much attention to me, especially after I came back from war. Hence, I had to adapt and learn how to do everything by myself. And, under the eyes of pity all the servants gave me, I couldn’t do much but react trying my best to prove I was not an invalid. Astrea never looked at me like that: when we trained, she treated me as a master; when she introduced me to someone, she talked proudly. But I still felt so far from her.  

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry”. No matter how well she treated me, I still felt as a hindrance and an embarrassment.  

 “Why do you always say that? You know that saying don’t worry only makes people worry even more? If you don’t want me to worry, just say what’s making you look like a lost puppy.” 

The way she was always straightforward about everything made her someone easy to talk to, even about private matters. That helped us to grow close even in such a short time. I laid in the bed next to her and put my head on her lap. This was something I strangely got comfortable with doing promptly. Although my injury was already over two years old, there were days in which the pain in my back grew insufferable. She would lay me in bed and massage my back and legs with medicinal oils and creams. After that, she would place my head in her lap and caress my hair. One day, the pain was even stronger, and I passed out with tears in my eyes in the library. She carried me to our room and cared for me until I woke up. I felt like a child throwing a tantrum, but when I opened my eyes, with my head in her lap, I realized she was crying too.  

“Why are you crying?”, I asked her, still half-asleep. I tried to dry her tears, but as soon as my hand touched her cheek, she held it between her own hands and let her tears roll free.  

“No one should ever suffer alone. Imagine if I didn’t go to the library, how long you would have stayed there, alone. When you are not feeling well, you must tell me. No matter if it’s just a small inconvenience, I want to know. You need to learn that you are not alone. If something like this happens again, I swear I’ll kill you”. As she threatened me, she held my hand stronger. I couldn’t refrain myself from smiling. We barely knew each other, and everything was rushed. However, I felt close to her in a way I never expected from anyone. 

“What are you thinking about?”, she drove my attention back to the present.  

“That you are right. I should tell you things”.  

“Great. That means I won’t have to treat you like a kid next time. You are a grown up: communicate your feelings!”. 

“Okay”. I laughed. 

“Then why were you sad today?” 

“I think I felt... envy. Those people, they treat you like family”. 

“Yeah... I’ve known them since I was like seven or so”.  

“That sounds nice”.  

“I wasn’t close to my biological family, and auntie likes to travel a lot. We would always stay with her friends, and their families. I spent more time with them than with my father and siblings. And since I was young, they always took care of me. But that made them forever treat me like a child”.  

“That means you know a lot and care about each other”.  

“That’s what you’re envious about? Because we have a close relation, and they know a lot about me?” 

“Possibly. My family and I were also distant, and I don’t miss them. If I must think about it, the close to that filial relationship that I had was back in the military”.  

“Well... I think we have many things we don’t know about each other. And that makes sense, because we’ve known each other for such a short time. I can understand your feeling, because things went too fast, and it feels like a long time has passed since this all started. However, it was just a little over a month ago that we met. So much happened in this short time...” 

“Yeah”. 

Just hours after we met, we got married. That should have been a lot already, but sleeping together, having sex, living together, and making plans. And having a kid together. That was going to impact us for the rest of our lives. When we made our plans, we thought about it and decided to make a bet upon it. And after, while talking to Countess Kovač, we decided we should take the opportunity and act toward it. Still, the idea sounded like a dream, not a reality.  

“She’s probably a little over a month pregnant”, the doctor said when he checked Astrea the other day. That meant she got pregnant on one of our first tries. When he said that, neither I nor Astrea said anything. We were shocked and could only send the doctor away without asking for anything else.  

Later, during dinner, we told Sybil. She already guessed the situation, but when we told her that Astrea was probably over a month pregnant, she laughed at us and called us “rabbits”. I probably turned red after hearing that; Astrea was also blushing. After hearing my family constant blabbering about how I was not a man anymore, part of me believed and gave up on ever building a family. Consequently, I was still thinking this was some dream or something like it. In my mind, this could never be real. 

When we were going to sleep, Astrea asked me if she could lie on my lap. I was already laying on bed, so I sat and put a pillow on my lap to make it more comfortable for her. When she laid down, she grabbed my hand and held it close.  

“I’m scared”, she said.  

“I think I’m a little bit too. It’s good to be scared. It would be strange if you weren’t”.  

“Thanks”. 

“You said to tell you when something is hurting. You should tell me too”.  

“I know. It’s just that... I don’t know what I’m feeling exactly. I’m supposed to be happy, but my mind is filled with apprehension. Many things already happened; but what we want to do may throw this country into total chaos. It’s not like I didn’t know that. I had to know”. 

“But now it all seems real, right?” 

“Yes. And we are dragging a kid into this world and using them to fulfill our agenda. Won’t that turn us into our parents? Never considering anyone except us?” Tears were waiting in her eyes, ready to burst. I dried them and kissed her gently.  

“The fact that you are asking me all this already makes you different. This child hasn’t even been born and you are already thinking about her well-being. You want this child to be happy and cared for; that she grows up in a world that is safer. That is much more than my family ever did. During my childhood, I was always in classes. I don’t remember a single moment when my parents asked me if I was well, or if I wanted to do what I was doing. I went to the military at eleven years old, because it was better than where they wanted to send me. I was never allowed to be a kid, and I knew it. I enlisted in the military to have a sense of security, of home. My colleagues became my only family. The base was my home; the weapons my toys. I would never let a kid go through what I did. And neither would you. That already makes us better than our parents”.  

“The bar is really low”. She laughed.  

“Yes. So, we shall raise it for the parents that come next”.  

“We will”.  

She didn’t ask me about my war stories, or even my colleagues. Every time I mentioned something, she listened attentively. I guess she knew how that hurt me, so she refrained from asking questions and was instead waiting for me to tell them when I was ready. I appreciated that, her patience and respect.  

That night, we slept hugging each other. We would usually wake up early to train, but we decided to sleep in. For the next days, we would only study magic and strategy. She offered to be my legs, what was a sweet way of saying she would support me and protect me while I was a general. But our country didn’t normally allow women in the army; we would have to do our best to convince them that she was useful and worthy of her position. The initial plan was to train her until she mastered the techniques I developed. She was even better than I expected, and her training was developing well. However, now everything has changed. The new objective was protecting the child and guarantee that she developed well, and that her mother stayed healthy.  

Now, when I look at her, I think she is the one I should protect and keep by my side. That for them, her and our children, and our future together, I have gained a new reason to live and improve. Some part of me tells me it’s not right to enjoy this and that I should keep worrying; but another tells me to enjoy it and to allow myself to feel happy about our little moments, like the present one. 

“Can I ask you something?”, I asked caressing her hair and tugging it behind her ears. 

“I guess”.  

“I know we promised to support one another in our future pursuits, and that I will help you to keep the freedom you had before. Perhaps what I’m going to ask is a little selfish, but I wish to know not only the you of now. I want to know all the you-versions that was and that would ever be. From the moment we first talk, I’ve found you fascinating and wanted to keep our conversation going ad aeternum. I know that is impossible, and even the thought is ridiculous. Nevertheless, I still wish to know more. For you to tell me about your travels; about how you were as a kid; about how you hated stupid things and loved some childish stuff. And I want to share the moments we have forward”.  

“I don’t think that is selfish. But if it were, I would like to be selfish too. So that you would tell me even the things you wish to forget. Because the person I see in front of me is magnificent, lovable and caring. You know I’ve been keeping myself from asking for more, I didn’t think I had the right. However, now that you asked for it, I will do it too. There are things that still hurt you, and scars that are deeper than any physical ones. And I know there are things you’ll never be able to tell me. I’m ready to wait for the right moment, even if it never comes. If you know that I’m here if you ever want to share it”. As she said that, she kissed me gently on the lips and hugged me. We stayed like this for a while. Later, we talked about some other things in our day. Those moments were so precious and came together so naturally.  

When she first saw my scars, that covered the great part of my torso and arms, she didn’t say anything. But when she saw how I reacted to it, with a bit of shame and fear, she kissed them. I always thought those were ugly parts that made me remember the bad times, the pain and sorrow, all my losses and all blood and death. People in power tend to forget that behind an army, are people. And they get hurt, they bleed and die; and the ones left must deal with this and keep fighting. And even the enemy is not made of mindless monsters, but people like the ones you vowed to protect. And these people also have families, lovers and dreams. When you get back from war, you must deal with all those feelings, mostly alone. And a great number of the ones who enlist were kids like me, some even younger. So many died before they even get to puberty, and more before hitting adulthood. That was the life I had until now. But I no longer want to feel trapped in my bad memories.  

“Astri”, I called to check if she was awake. She was laying close to me and opened her eyes slightly.  

“Hmm”. 

“When we first slept together, I was scared of waking you up at night”. 

“Why?” 

“I used to wake up screaming occasionally. It is better lately. I feel safe when I’m with you”.  

When I said that, she hugged me tight, her head on my chest.  

“Thank you for telling me”.  

“Thank you for listening”.