26 february 2023

I had to go this morning, I've been fake sleeping for a few weeks to avoid it but my mother started yelling through the door. As soon as she heard my voice she started walking away and didn't even listen to what I was saying. 

I don't know how longer this will last. I've wanted to leave but close events always make me stay. The happy feeling doesn't last that long though, I've told all of my friends about my mother. And it reassures me that I'm not as sensitive as I thought. One of their mums actually wants to adopt me. She offered to drop me home one time when I was too scared to tell my mum I was in pain. She's a real mother. I'm honestly jealous of that friend but they deserve her as a mother. I just don't understand how I deserve this. All of my siblings went through it, one of my sisters showed me a scar on her arm 

From a few years before, I don't understand how she was able to speak to mum, i told my mum i was suicidal and she took away my ipad. I was 8 MOTHER FUCKING EIGHT. But anyways. It didn't work, nothing the bitch does works. Also what led to me realizing that i am about 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure that i was an accident, you see all my older sibling have a 1 to 2 year age gap, but my brother above me and i have a 5 year age gap. So my mother had me when she was 42. I'm almost certain most people would stop having kids at that age hence the 5 year gap. Also when i was a very wee child i used to call one of my sisters little mum. Yes my sister became my mother, sooo my life was already uhhh yeahhh.