Understanding

The next week, Motema lies stretched out on his bed with his eyes shut when his phone starts to vibrate continuously. He picks it up and holds it over his face. The phone reads ‘Kil’; Motema answers.

“What’s up?” He asks as he sets the phone next to his head, on speaker.

“You’re coming out with me.” Akilah answers back.

“I’m sorry, what?” Motema asks as he turns over on his side.

“Jade is refusing to go out with me, so I told him to go over there and watch the kids, so you can come out with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you never leave the house except to go to work, and that’s not good.”

“I don’t really feel like it.” he protests.

“Come on, it’s been forever since we’ve gone out, I’ll pick you up, and pay for everything.”

“Ok.” he sighs. “Give me an hour.”

About an hour later, Jade shows up and Motema lets him in.

“Hey.” Jade says, standoffish.

“Hey.” Motema mirrors, “the kids are already in bed, so you shouldn’t have any trouble with them.”

“Ok.” Jade responds, quietly.

Motema sighs, “look, Jade-”

“It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize,” Jade patronizes, “I think we both had a long day, so It’s fine.”

“I wasn’t going to apologize,” Motema responds, “I was going to say, I didn’t mean to come off hostile, but I still stand by what I said.”

Jade scoffs, “I ‘m not a child, I just don’t see a point in making a big deal out of little things.”

“Well to other people they might not be so little.”

“Can we just not,” Jade sighs, “I don’t want to deal with this.”

“Avoiding the problem won’t make it go away.”

“Then what will?”

“Working this out, together.” He emphasizes.

“Well, I don’t really see what the problem is, so-”

Headlights light up the living room, drawing both Jade’s and Motema’s attention away from the conversation.

Motema lets out a frustrated sigh, “I gotta go.”

“Are we good?” Jade asks quietly.

Motema looks at him, dumbfounded, “we’ll talk later.”

He leaves out the front door, and walks over to Akilah’s car.

He pulls on the handle, to no avail, Akilah unlocks the door and he gives it another pull. He sits in the passenger seat, closing the door behind him.

“Hey!” Akilah says, excitedly, while turning her radio down.

“Where are you taking me?” He asks, gruffly.

“Just to a bar, we’ll hang out for an hour or so then you can go back to hiding from the world.”

“I’m not that bad,” he turns away, looking out the front of the car, “It’s just been a shit week.”

“Well, it’s about to turn around.”

“Hmm.”

Motema and Akilah arrive at the bar and sit at the counter. Behind the counter is a light skinned, curly haired guy, wearing a long sleeve button down tucked into black slim fit jeans.

“What can I get you two?” He asks.

“The lightest beer you got.” Motema says, smiling.

He gets his beer, and Akilah’s drink before going to the other end of the counter.

Motema watches as he walks away before turning to Akilah,

“So, what’s going on with you?” He asks.

“Same old same old, work, dating, mothering, nothing interesting.” she speeds through, getting right to the point, “ Why’s your week shit?”

“Eh, it's just people.” he leans against the countertop, thinking about Jade.

“Work?”

“No, works good, actually.” He cheers up suddenly, sitting up straight, “my boss is opening up another restaurant, and he’s training me to take over this location for when he leaves.”

“Shit, that’s great!”

“Yea, I’m pretty excited.”

“So, what’s going on then?”

“Uh, just,” He shrugs, contemplating whether to tell her or not, “Jade’s giving me issues.”

“Ooh, let me guess,” she starts, giddy, “he’s being real distant and defensive, refusing to see what he’s done wrong, and trying to avoid issues?” 

“Um, well yea.”

She scoffs, “he hasn’t changed a bit, I’m surprised it took so long for you to see this side of him.”

“So, this is normal?”

“Yea, Jade likes to act all high and mighty, flashing his doctorate degree, but truth is he hasn’t evolved past angsty teenager.” she says, annoyed.

“Huh.” He looks straight ahead, thinking.

“So what’d y'all fight about?”

“I found out he was in therapy, but when I brought it up he lied to me, and then told me it wasn't a big deal, but then his parents stopped by because he skipped an appointment and they couldn’t reach him, then he he blatantly lied to them saying he was too busy that week. He acts like they’re being dramatic, but refuses to see that really, he’s just being a child.” He leans against the counter again.

“That’s Jade for you, It’s not that he isn’t aware of how he’s acting, he just refuses to admit when something’s wrong.”

“How do you know that?” He looks back at her.

“I know him better than anyone. He’s independent to a fault, but he can’t stand being alone, so he jumps from one relationship to the next but none of them last because he refuses to show any vulnerability. He won’t admit when something’s wrong, but he’s also shit at hiding his emotions. He thinks fighting means the relationship’s over, so he acts like there’s no problem, but that's exactly why all his relationships fail. After a break up he tries to act fine, and even acts like a player or heartbreaker, but it's just a mask. Truth is it hurts so much when people leave him,” she starts thinking, “maybe that's why he hasn't dated in a while.” she mumbles.

“I never realized that.”

“Yea,” she turns her attention back to him, “well he tried extra hard to keep the truth away from you.”

“How come?”

“He liked you.”

“Wait, back in school?” He sits up again.

“Well , yea, that’s why he pushed us away when we started going out, it hurt him too much.”

“Oh, shit.” He starts to look away, lost in thought once again.

“One other thing,” she starts as Motema looks back at her, “Jade used to cut, he’d refuse to admit it when I brought it up, but several partners have verified it. I don’t know if he’s still doing that now, but keep an eye out for that.” She says, looking concerned.

“ok.”

“How are we doing over here?” the bartender asks as he comes back over.

“Good.” Akilah responds.

“Alright, let me know if I can get you anything.” He starts to turn to walk away.

“Actually,” Motema stops him, “could I get another?”

The bartender looks at his half full bottle, “You're not even done with that one.”

“Yea, but,” He starts with a smile, “if it keeps you here a second longer…” He trails off.

The man smiles back, “well ok then,” He grabs him another beer then walks away, his eyes lingering on Motema for a moment.

“What was that?” Akilah asks.

“Oh, I uh,” Motema rubs the back of his neck, “Well, I’m bi, and I don’t know, he’s cute, so…”

“Well thanks for telling me.” she says, sarcastically.

“Well, it’s still kinda new to me so…” He trails off again.

“You should get his number.”

“I don’t know…”

“Oh, come on, he seems to like you too.”

“Maybe.”

The bartender comes back smiling,

“Hope I wasn’t gone too long,” he teases.

“Well you came back, so it’s ok.”

“Damn, get a room, you two.”

“Yea, no,” Motema chuckles, “I’m not ready for that,” He looks back at the man, “that made it sound like I haven't had sex, I have, I have two kids to prove it, I just haven't really gone out with a guy, but I have experience,” Motema lets out a breath, “that’s too much information.” he closes his eyes and leans on the counter with his hand over his eyes, “Dammit kil, now I look like a dork,” he mutters.

“You are a dork.” she responds.

The man laughs endearingly, “tell you what,” he starts as Motema looks back at him, “I’ll give you my number, then you can text me and be as smooth as you want, without interruption, or you can be dorky, that’s cute too.” He winks.

Motema smiles as his face warms with blush, “yea, sure.”

The bartender writes his number on a napkin and gives it to Motema.

“Thanks, I’ll text you later, or tomorrow morning.”

He smiles at him then walks away again.

When Motema returns home, he finds Jade sitting on the couch.

“Hey,” Jade says, putting his phone on the table.

“Hey,” Motema sits down next to him.

“How was it?”

“Jade, I love you,” Motema starts,

“But?” Jade says, expectantly.

“I love you, and I understand if you’re scared, or mad, or whatever it is your feeling, I understand some things are hard to talk about, and I don’t expect you to tell me everything all at once, but don’t lie to me.” Motema says firmly, “If you don’t want to talk about something, just tell me that, but don’t try to act like everythings ok, and don’t tell me I'm being dramatic for worrying about you. And while we’re on the topic, don’t tell off your parents for worrying about you either.”

“Ok, that’s different-” Jade protests.

“Yea, it is, because they worry about you ten times as much as I do, because you're their child. For several years their sole purpose was to take care of you, to protect you, and even as you grew up and relied on them less and less, that never changed, and it never does, because that’s what it means to be a parent.”

“Well, I don’t understand that.” Jade says, plainly.

“I know, and I don’t expect you to, that’s why I’m explaining it now.” Motema takes Jade’s hand in his.

Jade stays quiet while looking down at the couch.

“So, are you going to be honest with me?” Motema asks.

“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.” Jade says, looking at him.

“Well, you answered that honestly, so that’s a start.” He half smiles.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, some things take time to change.”

There’s a moment of silence between them.

“I should get going.” Jade interrupts as he stands up.

“Ok,” Motema gets up as well, “you still coming over this weekend?”

“Yea.”

“Good,” Motema kisses him, “love you.”

“Love you too.” He responds, timidly.

-MIXED-

Motema sits in an arm chair across from his therapist.

“So, did you text him?” She asks.

“Yea, but I told him-” He stutters, “I loosely explained the situation and told him I just wanted to be friends.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Well, I’m with Jade, and I don’t want to break up with him.” He says, avoiding the question.

“But, do you want to be just friends with this guy?” She asks again,

“Well, no,” He admits, “I-I want to take him out, and date and flirt.”

“In our first appointment you told me you moved a lot in your adolescence, your mom was strict, and by the time you moved out you had too much going on in your life to really worry about your sexuality, which means you missed out on a crucial point in a lot of people’s lives; exploring and experimenting, figuring out who you are and what you want.” She explains, “How old are your kids, again?”

“10 and 11.”

“Would you say they are mature enough to understand that you want to go out on a date?”

“Well, yea.”

“So you are finally at a point in your life where you can figure out who you are and what you want in a relationship, and as much as you want to have a relationship with Jade, every part of you is gravitating towards this instead, and every part of you is telling you, you are not ready.”

“I really don’t want to break up with him.” Motema says.

“You don’t necessarily have to, there are other options. You could have an open relationship, or you could just take a break.”

“Will that help with the relationship anxiety?”

“It’ll help you understand yourself better, and that will help with overcoming your anxiety.”

“Right.” He says, disappointingly.

“Anxiety isn’t something that goes away,” she starts, “You are always going to be afraid, you are always going to overthink things, and believe the worst. The point of therapy is to understand your anxiety, so you can learn to live with it, to manage it, and if taking a break from your relationship is going to help with that, that’s what you need to do.”

“I understand.” He says.