“Are you still alive?” asked Ayane, her voice somewhere nearby.

Was I?

I tried opening my eyes but my body wouldn’t listen; a chill ran down me as I helplessly panicked.

“Ukemochi has heard you calling to Tsukuyomi over and over, and she wants to bless you. But we know you would fight it. You’ve been running and hiding amongst the humans for so long, that’s all you know how to do. Ukemochi says Tsukuyomi has betrayed you, deceiving and leaving you to fend for yourself all this time. Sky gods are all the same.”

As I lay there, my body barely registering what was happening, I could begin to feel my soul being wrenched away. The wavering tones washed over me, the tune finally releasing me from Hotaka’s body.

“Ah, so that’s what you are.” Ayane’s voice lingered close. “Not a cat spirit at all. Ukemochi can use you for sure. Be sure to thank them.”

What?

The koto slowed, the deep vibrations plucking away the last of me. Weightless. I soared into the skies and felt like I could breathe, that all the weight I’d been carrying had been lifted. When I opened my eyes finally, the world came alive. Colours, bright and vivid, splashed over everything I saw. The shrine once full of greys and browns now shone red and orange.

I’ve… missed this.

Hands now wings, humans now tiny specks from the sky above. There on the stone lay the body which had been ours. Hotaka. Black hair spilled, skin now paled and no breath was drawn. Soon it would be too late. There was no returning. It’d been painful enough the first time, abandoning the great form of the vermillion bird—the suzaku. I’d ripped myself into feathers and fallen to the world below, taking the dying body beneath me, merging my everything with him. Together we’d become Hotaka. Together we’d roamed the country. Together we’d killed to survive.

“Suzaku.”

I tore my eyes from my dying body—Hotaka’s dying body—to see the voice that commanded me. Their presence hit me first, a nourishing warmth, making me feel sated and at peace, if only for a moment.

“You’re a long way from home here, aren’t you?” The presence formed a figure, a woman in a flowing green kimono floating in the skies beside me. “Did you dislike the south?”

“I… don’t remember,” I answered, trying to recall all those years ago. “I remember seeing them, the humans. I wanted to be with them, see them close up.”

I looked down to the ground, to where Hotaka lay, already missing the feel of being down there.

“Of course. Humans are intriguing creatures. Ayane has told me about you, brought you here to me.” They pulled a fan from their emerald obi and pointed it at me. “I have returned you to this form. Isn’t that better? There’s no use hiding down there. If you want our attention, this is how you do it, not in some stolen body.”

I growled, “I did not steal a body, it was given to me.”

Without me, Hotaka would have died.

I faced the figure. “Who are you?”

“I am Ukemochi. I released you from that human prison. I know you wanted to speak to Tsukuyomi, but he will not hear you. He is far from here.” They approached, hand running across my vermillion feathers, caressing them with delicate fingers. I was frozen by their magic surrounding me.

“You did as he said. You’ve been living off the energy of other humans,” they continued. “He misled you, however. That is why you have killed.” Ukemochi’s voice grew chilled. “Did you really think you could kill all our followers and get away with it? You’ve been as bad as him; the cruelness seeps into you as well. I should shatter your spirit here and now.”

No! Hotaka needs me.

How long had he been without breath now? How much longer could he last?

I tried to pull from Ukemochi, reaching for Hotaka. Perhaps my magic could reach him, keep him safe until we combined again.

Hotaka. The only time I felt like I had true freedom, sharing his body, his senses, his experiences with the world. The sky was a lonely place, down here I’d experienced love, hate, and being surrounded by thousands of souls.

“Suzaku,” Ukemochi called. “You will not reach that body. You say you it was given, but did the others ask to be killed? You stole from them, all of them.”

“He said it was how I would survive,” I hissed back, recalling the words Tsukuyomi had said: If you want to live in the human world, you must have magic. Some humans have magic; it grows largest at death. Take it.

Ukemochi scoffed. “He lied. If that were the way, then all humans would be dead, or would fear us. He spurns anything he hates and spurns you now as much as me. I created a feast for him, and he murdered me. You feasted, and he ignores you. Such an irony.”

I pulled away from Ukemochi, trying to get a distance from their words. It couldn’t be true. Why would he lie to me if he let me have this?

“Suzaku, you cannot carry on killing. I feel the fire within you, but with each death, the other gods notice you more and more. Soon they will order your execution.” They smiled, emanating warmth once again. “Ayane has told me about you. We can help, find a new way of life for you.”

“But Hotaka—”

“—must die. Your merging with the human causes too much chaos. You will kill again.”

“You would let another human die then?”

“One life to save yours, I think that is suitable. He would have died eventually anyway. That’s why you picked him, isn’t it?”

I stared at them. How much did they know? How much did any of them know? Could they see into my mind even now? See how I’d seen Hotaka, broken and alone, crying out to anyone who could hear him as rain fell on his dying body. I’d wrapped him in my wings, giving him a chance at life.
He lay dying again now, out of my reach, lips tinged blue. Moments more and death would take him forever. I hadn’t saved him for this, to die at a shrine after having me ripped away. Was he in pain? We’d never been this close to death before. We’d always escaped. He can’t escape this.

“I will not forsake him.”

“Suzaku,” Ukemochi growled, eyes blazing in fury. “He is dead. You will be dead. I will shatter you across the skies so that you’ll never be found.”

They’re scared... scared of me? I cannot tell who is lying.

“Tsukuyomi!” I cried, pouring all my soul into the call. “Hear me.”

The sky shone bright in the morning. Tsukuyomi was at his weakest. How could he hear me?

What if…

I spread my wings wide, spreading each feather as far as it could go, blanketing the sky in a red darkness. Perhaps it would be enough. It had to be.

Ukemochi scanned the skies, iron fan now open and striking at my feathers. And yet I still held, even as I watched my feathers break away, falling to the shrine below in tattered pieces. I would withstand this until the end if I had to. I placed my trust in Tsukuyomi. If he lied, then I hoped Ukemochi would deal with him. Me however…

A screech passed my beak as the blood-splattered blades hit deep, but I still persevered.

“Tsukuyomi,” I cried once more with the last of my faith, wailing throughout the sky. Ukemochi’s attack continued relentlessly, close to breaking my being.

In the last shred of my darkness, a light formed, dusty white, barely illuminating the darkness. From it stepped a haggard man, frail and cold. He looked weaker than when I’d seen him before, eyes sunk into his greying skin and strands of silver hair barely holding on. A white kimono swamped his thin body.

“You listened,” I said, astonished.

Tsukuyomi stared blankly around him, not registering the world around him.

What is going on? What have they done to you?

“You,” he whispered, chilled voice haunting, finger pointing towards Ukemochi. “I killed you. You planned to poison the gods.”

Ceasing the attack on me, Ukemochi turned to Tsukuyomi. “I did no—”

“The feast for Amaterasu, the food brought forth from your mouth—”

“See how he lies, even now,” Ukemochi crooned, returning to my side. “The gods have been punishing him, that’s why he’s so weak.”

I didn’t understand.

“Suzaku,” Tsukuyomi called. “I need your faith, as always.”

“I’m here.”

“No,” Ukemochi growled, hands reaching for my broken wings once more.

Crack.

The darkness faltered. My wing drooped as searing pain flooded, blood now gushing, and feathers fell in clumps below. I cried and screeched and yelled as I saw snapped bones in Ukemochi’s hands, ripped from my body. Broken shards lanced crimson-stained feathers, and I called magic to keep me in the air, the last of my reserves. Ukemochi grappled me again, and I thrashed until another crack rang through my body. I was not strong enough to best a god.

Only a god can defeat a god.

“Hotaka,” I called beneath me, flailing to stay airborne in any way I could, hoping he could hear me. “Hotaka, listen. The other gods must know this. Remember when you wake...”

My magic failed. Chest hollow. Mind numb.

Down and down I fell, spiralling into a fast plummet. The shrine sped into my vision until I landed, spirit shattering on the stone. Hotaka’s body lay beside me, last breath drawn too long ago.

I have to tell them all.

“Tsuku—”

Spirit broken, soul shattered, body cold. I cried with the last of my being, hoping it’d be enough, hoping there was still a way out of this. My vision was blurring, the light of the sun burning strong. I felt myself fading away.

...But, I always survive.