***

Jason was on his way to the hospital the following week when he saw some flowers for sale. He thought of the girl at the hospital and bought some. When he went in for his treatment, he stopped by her room. Noticing it was empty, he asked the nurse at the station nearby.

“Oh, I guess you haven’t heard. Cynthia passed away last week, I’m sorry. Did you know her well?”

He couldn’t answer, the shock causing him to go speechless. He walked away and dropped the flowers into a trash bin. He got his treatment in a daze, returning back to his dorm. When he got to his room, he felt himself get sick.

Unable to process what was happening, he ran to the toilet and emptied his stomach. He stayed there for a while, unable to get up as he laid his head against the side of the toilet. Danny came back and realized all the lights were still off. Turning the lamp on, he looked over to see Jason lying against the toilet in the dark.

“Jason?”

He walked over and turned the bathroom light on, realizing he was completely passed out. He grabbed him and lifted him up in his arms, bringing him to the bed. Jason started to slowly come to, his head and vision groggy.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked him.

“Danny? When did you get back?” His words were slurred, like he was in a serious state of delusion.

“Just now, have you eaten anything?” he asked. Jason shook his head no and he offered him a water he had grabbed out of his bag. “Thanks.”

“I’m going to get delivery, what do you want?” Jason let out a long sigh, not answering.

“How about some soup?” he offered.

“Sure,” he mumbled.

They ended up eating in silence, Jason barely touching his soup. “Jason, what’s going on with you?”

Jason didn’t answer and looked up at him. His face seemed void of emotion but his eyes showed he was struggling with deeper thoughts.

“Danny, can I ask for a favor?”

“Sure.”

“You sure, you don’t even know what it is?”

“Yeah, it’s cool.”

Jason sniffled and stirred his soup with his plastic spoon. He wanted to tell him his feelings, he wanted to be selfish and inconsiderate. He couldn’t do it though, afraid to scare away the only person who had been by his side.

“Next time, get some crackers?” he joked.

Danny smiled and nodded, the moment not going unnoticed. He felt like there was something heavy lingering in the air at that moment, choosing to once again pass it up.

***

Danny was on his way to his next class, listening to his music from his headphones when he happened to glance sideways. It wasn’t intentional, but more like he left like something was encouraging him to look that way.

He saw Jason sitting on a bench in front of the tennis court with the guy who had been on his team. What was his name? It was Doug right?

“Thanks for meeting me,” Doug greeted. He hid nearby, why was he hiding again?

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

Doug was silent for a moment, clearly thinking about what he wanted to say. In frustration he rubbed his arm and took in a deep breath.

“Jason, we have been friends since middle school. We always tell each other everything. So, the distance between us lately has made me realize maybe I didn’t appreciate you enough.”

Jason kept a straight face and then leaned back. “No, I just made different life choices. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Doug looked uncertain and continued.

“Jason, having you around made me feel secure. It wasn’t until you disappeared that I realized just how much it affected me.” Jason looked hesitant and Danny felt like he knew where this was going. Why did he feel so conflicted about it?

“The truth is, I think I’ve had feelings for you for a while. I was just too wrapped up in the image for the team that I ignored it. I hope you didn’t leave because you felt uncomfortable?”

Danny felt like something was caught in his throat, he shouldn’t be listening to this. “Don’t push your thoughts onto me.”

The sudden harshness coming from Jason made him freeze up. He had never heard Jason talk like that before. “Don’t pretend you know how I feel, it’s an insult.”

Doug flinched and looked down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” Jason sighed and looked forward.

“I didn’t know you felt that way. Even if I had, it wouldn’t have worked out and you know why.”

“Our parents,” Doug said uneasy.

“Yeah, our parents. There is another reason though.” He stared at Doug, showing him he was dead serious.

“I have been in love with someone else for a long time now.”

Danny didn’t know how to feel or what to think. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he wondered why he was reacting that way. “I see, may I ask who?”

“No, I don’t want them to get cornered by anyone. If I went around telling people, it would be the same thing as you pretending to know how I feel. I would be pushing my feelings onto them and making them feel pressured. I don’t want that.”

“Yeah, sounds like you. So they don’t know how you feel?”

“No.”

“You plan on ever telling them?” There was silence and Danny wanted to desperately look at his face.

“Probably not.”

“Why not? You never know, they may feel the same way. How long have you had feelings for them exactly?”

“I don’t want to talk about it with you right now, that isn’t fair to you either.”

“Right…” There was silence until Doug spoke softly, wounded almost.

“Your mother keeps calling me for updates on you. I don’t know anything, so I keep lying.”

“Just don’t answer.”

“Did you really disown them and change your last name? Aren’t you being extreme?”

Danny remembered the prescription name it was under. He didn’t realize things were so bad for him.

“It was necessary to get a fresh start. I even considered changing colleges.”

“Seriously? Why didn’t you?” He didn’t answer but Doug must have picked up on it from the expression that Danny couldn’t see.

“Oh, your crush goes here…”

“Yeah. Although they don’t see me that way, having their presence around helps me get through the day. It’s my little way of being selfish.”

“Jason, what’s really going on? I know you don’t return my feelings, but I still care about you as your friend.”

“I appreciate your concern, but our relationship was over once we got to college.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Doug, I’m not stupid. I know the only reason you came here was because you were pressured to. Your parents wanted you to go here.” It took a moment for him to answer as he collected himself.

“How did you find out?”

“I used to be class rep remember? I walked in when some teachers were talking about your sudden change.”

“Oh…” The heavy silence was enough to make even Danny feel uncomfortable, though he was only eavesdropping.

“If that’s all, I got to get to my next class.”

“Jason.”

“What?”

“Why are you pushing everyone away? At least tell the person you like, maybe they will help you.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

Jason was silent, Danny honestly didn’t think he was going to say anything and just walk away. So his words surprised him.

“Because I don’t want to trap them. Happiness isn’t in the cards for me and anyone who gets attached to me.”

“What? Jason!” he called. Jason just walked away, ignoring him. “What the hell does that mean?”

Danny felt uncomfortable now, stepping away before he could get caught. Unfortunately, Doug noticed him first.

“How long have you been standing there?” he accused.

He decided to try to walk away, but Doug moved in front of him quickly. The downside of athletes was that they had good reflexes. “You’re Jason’s roommate aren’t you?” he asked.

“Yeah,” he said uneasily. He glared at him and sighed.

“Do you know what’s going on with him?”

“I don’t think that’s any of our business.”

“You’re his roommate.”

“You’re his middle school friend.” He flinched, knowing it had just ended.

“Take care of him.”

He didn’t have a reply as Doug walked off. What the hell? It wasn’t really his responsibility. It was because of his words he kept thinking about Jason the whole rest of the day. What was wrong with him, why couldn’t he stop thinking about him?

***