More, Yet Not Enough

Author: VALMRY

Illustrator: Siren Baroque

He barely remembered anything that happened before he woke up. He briefly remembered the sound of muffled voices, felt something hard and rough being shoved and pulled from his throat. He remembered it hurt, and he hated feeling helpless as he drifted in and out of consciousness.

The voices came once in a while, like broken sentences of speech one barely picked up when they were otherwise preoccupied while watching a movie. He felt like he could recognize them, like a word at the tip of a tongue, but not quite spoken because he didn’t really recall it completely.

When he finally managed to open his eyes, it felt way too bright. He wanted to close them again and keep them closed. Yet, he looked around, not registering anything around him. Where was he, what was he doing here? He tried to speak out, his throat burning with a parchedness that stung heavily.

It was about a half-hour until a nurse came in, realizing he was awake before tending to him. A lot of what happened afterward was a blur, like afterthoughts the day after being completely wasted.

He briefly recalled a doctor coming in and trying to say something to him, shining a light in his eyes before mentioning something about sleeping. He didn’t bother and just laid back, wanting to fall back into a deep slumber. Luckily for him, he just clocked out.

The next time he woke, it was in the middle of the night. He tried recalling what had happened when he was disoriented, and then anything from before that. It was like his mind was just blank, there was nothing there to recall.

He pressed the call button, gaining the immediate attention of the night nurse. Apparently she was just as shocked as he was that he was awake. By morning the doctor came to visit, this time he could actually register what he was saying.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” the doctor asked.

“Three.”

“How do your eyes feel when I do this?” he shined the light and he instinctively flinched. “Sensitive?”

“Yes.”

He started testing his reflexes, which seemed to check out okay. Then he applied pressure to his abdomen and his whole body reacted violently to the pain.

“Fuck!” he screamed.

The doctor tried to calm him as he lashed out, instructing him to take deep breaths. Once he calmed down, he moved his nightgown and took a look at his front. Why were there stiches on his side and abdomen areas?

“What the hell happened to me?” he asked.

“Jason, you went through a very heavy surgical procedure. Do you remember anything before the surgery?” He thought about it, still drawing a blank slate.

“No.”

“Okay, well, you were really sick. Your lungs and kidneys were failing so we had to do a couple transplants. Even though there was a very low probability, it worked.”

“If it worked, why can’t I remember anything?” he asked.

“There were complications during the surgery and you also had an adverse reaction to the surgical anesthesia which we didn’t anticipate.”

“What sort of complications?”

“Your heart stopped beating for an estimated time of eight minutes, three different times. We managed to bring you back, but we still aren’t sure if the memory loss is due to the oxygen deprivation during that time period or it’s a reaction to the anesthesia, possibly both.”

He was trying his best to process this, but nothing in his brain seemed to want to work at the moment.

“Jason, do you remember anything about yourself?” He tried to recall, slowly bringing some things to the front of his mind.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“What about anyone else, do you recognize any of the names I’m about to tell you?” he rambled off a bunch of names, only one sticking to him like glue.

“Danny, I feel like I know that name.”

“Okay, good. That’s a good start, because he’s your emergency contact. He said he was on his way, he should be here soon.”

There was something important he needed to remember, it was a nagging itch he couldn’t scratch. What was it?

He couldn’t focus on anything else the doctor was saying, the nagging feeling lingering so badly it was distracting him. Then the nurse came in, telling him something right before he stepped out. When he came back, he seemed hesitant.

“Jason, Danny is here to see you now. I told him you can’t remember much, so just take your time okay?” He could only nod, unsure about how to respond.

When Danny came into the room, his breath seemed to halt to a standstill. He felt like he was seeing him after being years apart and yet also like he could recall just yesterday when they lived in the college dorm together. As he recalled it, he remembered something that sent a thrilling shock right through his body.

It was the first time Danny had kissed him, and also the moment he realized he was probably hooked on him for good. A deep feeling of warmth burst inside his chest as he forgot how to breathe. The doctor came over to him, thinking he was losing his senses once more. Maybe he was, because a deep blush crossed his face when he realized his body was getting turned on after remembering the three days spent having sex right before his surgery.

“I think he’s okay for now Doc,” Danny smirked, recognizing the look on his face.

“Okay, I’ll give you two some space. Call the nurse if you need anything, I’ll be back later for some tests.”

He felt like his world was nothing but space and clouds, bubbles of ecstasy popping here and there around him. He still wasn’t too sure about why Danny looked so beautiful, his hair and face seeming to radiate with a youthful vibrancy that was extremely attractive.

“I’m glad you remembered me somehow, I would have been a little more than upset if you hadn’t. You were in a coma for about two months before waking up the first time, breathing on your own.”

The surgery had been successful, at least that’s what it seemed like. Danny remembered his reaction to the doctor talking, thinking before he even spoke to Danny, that Jason had died during operation. Yet, somehow, he had lived. The problem, was that after two weeks he still hadn’t awoken. Now it was almost three and a half months later, and Jason was having a hard time remembering anything.

Danny was scared when he got the call, dropping everything at work and rushing over immediately. He had been running himself into the ground, waiting for him to wake up. Barely eating, sleeping, and he even resorted to contacting his parents when he didn’t wake up after the first few weeks. He felt like he was going insane, needing someone to keep him from actually losing his mind.

He was really relieved when he walked into the room, seeing Jason recall him after a few seconds. He recognized that look instantly, how couldn’t he? He had burned it into his brain intentionally because he thought he was never going to see or have Jason again.

“I’m sorry, everything is still kind of foggy for me,” Jason apologized.

“It’s fine, take your time. I’m just glad you’re alive and awake right now.” Danny hesitated, unsure if he should approach him. He questioned how much he actually remembered, wondering if he should keep his distance a little longer.

“Danny?” His attention snapped back to Jason, internally criticizing himself.

“Yeah?”

“You can come over here, I’m not that blank that I forgot what sort of relationship we have.”

“Yeah, and what’s that?” he asked for clarification. After all, he basically left him on pause, rhetorically shoving a letter in his face explaining his disappearance. Jason was the one who hadn’t answered his confession first.

Jason hesitated, doubt clearly showing in his eyes before they became solid with confidence once more. “Come here.”

He flinched at his stern voice, not expecting it. Danny slowly walked over to him, trying to take his time and prepare. What was he preparing for again? When Jason reached out, his fingers touching his own gently, so gently he was questioning if it was real.

“Danny, look at me.”

It took a second for Danny to actually look at him, gathering confidence wasn’t as easy as people talked about to each other in conversation. When he finally managed it, there was a wide grin on his face. Suddenly, Danny felt the urge to smack it clean off.

“To clarify, you never actually asked me anything. You just told me how you felt and I asked you if I could think about it. Then in the letter, I asked you to wait for me if you had the courage to be here when I woke up.”

Danny was flabbergasted, completely baffled how surreal his response was. Was he acting like this just to torment him right now? Danny’s other fingers in his pants pocket tightened around his letter. He really wanted to punch him, but was seriously considering running away. Jason’s fingers tightened their hold on his hand as Danny’s embarrassment deepened.

“Yes, Danny, I would like to date you. Yes, I will continue living with you if you will have me. If you wish it, I will spend the rest of my life with you until I’m actually in the ground this time.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” he glared.

Jason laughed, his laughter clear and resonating throughout the room. He loved to hear his laugh again, even if it was cut short by a fit of coughing. He handed him a Styrofoam cup of water, letting him sip from the straw slowly. What now?

They awkwardly talked about what had happened while he was in a coma, avoiding talking about the biggest thing they had ignored since before Jason had even been admitted to the hospital. Danny wasn’t even sure how to bring it up, actually concerned there was an issue with his performance in bed.

“So, my parents know now?” Danny hit a landmine, knowing that he didn’t exactly have great relations with them anymore.

“Yeah, sorry. I just felt like they should know, you know, just in case…” Jason eyed him with a sharpness he was extremely nervous about, but his eyes softened. “It’s fine, I understand why you did it.”

“Well, my parents know too.” His sharpened gaze returned.

“Anyone else?”

“I don’t really know? By now, I’m pretty sure its spread around.”

Danny was concerned, not realizing just how much Jason cared about people knowing about his condition. Then again, Jason had kept it hidden for a really long time. He couldn’t begin to understand how he felt, but he also knew if he had been sick he would have wanted to have at least one person by his side.

The letter came to the front of his thoughts, and his cheeks flushed a little pinker. He had, in fact, kept him by his side even though he was a pain in the ass about it. That made him think about his tight butt, and he instantly covered his face. Was he that bad right now? He felt like a dirty moron for thinking about something like that while his lover was in a hospital bed.

“Someone is thinking dirty thoughts,” Jason smirked, while Danny tried to desperately focus on something other than his need for an erection. Luckily, he was saved by the doctor.

After some tests were done, he presented them with his findings and thoughts. It wasn’t what Jason wanted, but it was better than the alternative. That alternative being stuck there for a really long time.

“Your body is weak because of your state of coma, you’re anemic, and you need physical therapy for a few weeks. Overall, for someone who died three times, you’re doing well. Your situation is practically a once in a life time chance. Usually only recipients with higher chances of success to live for the next year are chosen for these surgeries amongst a long list of other things, the process being very particular and deliberating. It’s only when their life is in a threatening situation that the surgery gets pushed up. You waited too long to come back to me Jason, I was worried.” The doctor sighed and looked him over, almost like a proud parent.

“You’re lucky, as bad as it sounds, that your lungs didn’t fail you on your way here. You did good kid, you were patient and waited a really long time for your chance. I convinced the case to be moved to pro bono. You won’t have to waste all that money you saved up for your funeral.”

Tears started dripping down his cheeks, Jason wasn’t sure how this was happening. The shock was still kicking in as Danny tried to comfort him.

“This isn’t a free pass though. You need to take your medication regularly and no heavy foods. You were on liquid diet, so your stomach needs time to readjust to eating solids again. We need to keep you for a little while longer to make sure there are no rejections to your transplant now that you’re awake. Even though we figured out a lot of the bumps while you were out, there could be some lingering effects we don’t know about.”

“When do you think I can take him home?” Danny’s question sent a thrill and flutter through his chest. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

“I’d say by the end of the week. As long as he goes to physical therapy, has plenty of rest, eats and drinks properly, and takes his medication, I don’t see why not.”

“Thank you.”

The doctor looked down at Jason, who was still trying not to cry like a baby. The doctor smiled and put his chart back.

“No thanks necessary, it’s what I do. Days like this, are the days we decide being a doctor is worth it all.” He walked from the room and then the nurse came in a few moments later. She smiled slightly, unsure as the next few words escaped her mouth.

“The doctor also forgot to mention no sex. Let’s get your medicine in you now, it’s time for lunch.”

Their faces lit up like the fourth of July, totally embarrassed. The nurse had a broad smile on her face, not ashamed since she had seen all kinds of things in her line of work.

***