Painful, but Desirable

Chapter 3

Dark, shining eyes looked out at her from under hair fluttering in the strong night wind. “Sunbae,” she said, her mouth agape at his sudden appearance. How had he gotten so close without her noticing?

“Hayeon, you’re drunk,” he said. She nodded, too stunned to speak.

“Where is your house?”

Surely he wasn’t offering to walk her home. She shook her head. “It’s okay, sunbae. It’s close. I can get there on my own,” she said. As if to ask whether she was serious, Doyun raised one well-groomed eyebrow. Hayeon bowed her head suddenly and pushed him away.

“I’m really fine. I mean it,” she said.

Goodbye, sunbae. I hope you have a beautiful marriage, whoever she is.

Hayeon turned away, muttering to herself. The palm of her hand felt hot against his body as she pushed him away. She would have to take a break from the club meetups. Someone had mentioned holding an outdoor concert in early summer, but she wouldn’t be ready by then. The only solution was to not see him until she was over him. The secret crush she’d held onto for so long would surely take just as much time to heal.

Hayeon headed toward her house. Sweeping her hair out of her face, she adjusted her bag and stepped determinedly forward. Her heel went right into a hole in the sidewalk, and the rest of her foot followed close behind. She completely lost her balance.

“Agh!” she cried. She was about to fall flat on her face when Doyun grabbed her shoulder. Catching herself mid-fall, Hayeon managed to stand back upright. Her arm pressed into the sleek suit covering his strong chest.

“Hayeon,” he said. His voice made her whole body tremble. Though he’d only said her name, she could tell he was scolding her for trying to get home on her own.

“I’m fine,” she said, defensively. She was starting to feel like a parrot that only knew how to say those two words.

The expression on Doyun’s face was unforgiving. He was scowling—his sharp eyes felt colder than the wind on Hayeon’s flushed face and a long sigh flowed out between his slightly parted lips.

Is he annoyed?

“Stop saying you’re fine and just follow me,” he said, his tone not permitting refusal. “If something happened to you on your way home, it would bother me.”

Hayeon nodded. Under normal circumstances, she would have pushed him away. But tonight, she was drunk. His annoyance only made the considerate gesture taste bittersweet, like chocolate. And who could say no to chocolate?

With every breath, she thought her heart would pound right out of her chest. It was almost midnight. The night had fallen like a blanket on the empty streets. The only sounds were distant cars on the highway and the footsteps of the man walking next to her. Hayeon ventured a few words to break the awkward silence.

“Director...” Before she could get the rest out, she stopped to correct herself. Her lips were still clumsy from the alcohol. “Sunbae, are you going home too?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Why?” she asked.

Why else? He’s probably just tired and wants to go home, she chided herself for asking such a stupid question. But Doyun responded calmly.

“Everyone will be talking.”

“Oh... about... your marriage?” she asked. Doyun stopped and looked at her.

“Did you hear us talking?”

“Yeah. It was hard not to.” She heard it even though she didn’t want to. As soon as the topic of marriage was mentioned, everyone’s voices grew louder with excitement. She thought back to how she’d been actively trying not to listen when she heard.

“Why did you decide to get married all of a sudden?” she asked. Doyun’s brow furrowed. Asking that question was a mistake. She bit her lower lip, and the lingering taste of soju bit her back, so she bit down harder. Doyun had left to get away from all the prying. She shouldn’t have asked.

Hayeon was trying to catch the words and put them back in her mouth when he said, “It’s just... become necessary.” His tone was serious.

“Necessary?” she repeated.

Doyun looked off into the distance. His gaze landed on the branches of spring flowers trembling across the way. The branches bowed their heads against the wind. He stared at them for some time before speaking.

“I have to show... someone... that I’m living well.”

How drunk was she? She couldn’t understand what he was saying.

He’s getting married to show someone something? His parents?

“Have you already decided on someone?” she asked.

Had he already seen a matchmaker? Was it all decided? Her heart was beating loudly in her chest and she could feel it thumping in her ears. He looked at her curiously and didn’t answer, tilting his head at her interrogation.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Did you always ask so many questions?”

She had always been distant from him. They were in the same club, they worked for the same company. They had a lot in common, but she had always kept more distance from him than the others. She had never been on a first-name basis with him, like the other club members her age. It was always sunbae or director. Formality was one way to keep him at arm’s length. She spoke and acted carefully to keep from giving herself away, to him and everyone else. But not tonight, she had so many questions.

“It’s just... interesting that you’re suddenly getting married, sunbae. You, of all people...”

Stunned by her own boldness, she swallowed and waited for his response like it was a death sentence. Doyun looked at her for a long time, then his lips twisted slightly.

“You’re pretty surprising too, you know. I didn’t know you had any interest in me,” he finally said. It seemed she had been an excellent actor. She couldn’t believe she’d fooled him for so long. “Anyway, it’s not decided yet, I’m going to have someone set me up soon.”

“What about someone you already know?” she asked.

Wouldn’t it be nicer to marry a woman you know? Even if it’s for the company, wouldn’t it be better to marry someone who knows you, who understands you? Someone like me, for example? Or someone like... I don’t know... me? She couldn’t think of anyone else.

“It’s not that simple,” he muttered as he walked.

“Why not?” she asked.

Is he looking for someone who looks good on paper? Someone who’d be good for business?

His response was not what she expected, “I’m looking for someone who’s not interested in romance or love. I just need someone who can marry solely for personal gain.”

“Why... someone like that…?” she trailed off.

She knew she wasn’t good enough for him. But...Really? A woman who wants to marry you solely for personal gain? Wouldn’t I be better than someone like that? Wouldn’t I be better? Someone who knows you? Someone who loves you? I would do anything for you, sunbae.

“Because I am someone like that,” Doyun answered her question. “I don’t want to love anyone, and I don’t want anyone to love me.”

His voice was deep and dark. He sighed, and the warmth cut through the chill of the night air. “I don’t intend to woo anyone, and I can’t return someone’s love. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by that,” he explained.

“What if someone said that didn’t matter?” she said. She’d rather enter a loveless marriage with him than have him marry some woman he didn’t even know.

“It would just be painful. For both of us,” he said.

How could you know when you haven’t even tried?

Before she could say what she was thinking, he continued, “So, I just don’t want to. I want a woman like me—someone who won’t expect any emotion from their partner. Someone who will only consider the personal benefits of being married to me. Someone who could split at any time, no problem. Someone like that. I want a marriage that is just a simple matter of business.”

He had drawn a line in the sand. It felt like an arrow pointing directly at her, telling her she wasn’t what he wanted. She trembled. He had no idea what his words were doing to her.

“Oh, so that’s how it is,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said. Silence fell over them again. The walk home felt endless. She had always wished her moments with him could last forever. This was the first time being with him was painful. If he started meeting potential matches next week, tonight would be the end of her secret hopes and dreams. He could marry someone chosen by his parents or a matchmaker in the blink of an eye. By the time she saw him again, he might belong to someone else. Hayeon didn’t have the courage to see him after he was married.

Then tonight...

It was time to be brave. If she would never see him again anyway—if there was even a one percent chance, even a point one percent chance—what did she have to lose? The cards were stacked against her.

Why not? I have to try before it’s too late. Or I’ll never forgive myself.

Once she’d made up her mind, she slowed her pace to give herself more time. But they were already in front of her building.

“I’m sure you’ve got it from here,” he said. Hayeon didn’t respond. She was so nervous her lips were quivering, but there was no time to hesitate. She couldn’t let him go like this. She let her right leg go limp and leaned into his arm.

“Oh, sorry,” she said. It was terrible acting.

Her heartbeat heavily thinking he might notice. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think anything was off. He grabbed her shoulder to keep her from falling. When his skin met hers, her breath stopped. Heat spread feverishly throughout her body, already flushed from the alcohol.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m just... a little dizzy,” she replied.

“I’ll help you inside. Just to be safe.” This time, she didn’t argue with him.

“I’m sorry. Thank you,” she said.

She leaned into his chest and staggered forward.

Badum, badum, badum.

Her heart raced like she was committing a crime—she could hear it pounding in her ears. Could he hear it too? They took the elevator up. When they reached her front door, she knew it was time to let him go, but she held even more tightly to his arm.

“Please just... Help me get inside real quick,” she said.

With a click, the door unlocked. Hayeon stepped in and bent over to take her shoes off. Suddenly, the world spun around her. She collapsed, hitting her knee on the tile in the entryway, and let out a sharp wince.

“Ouch.”

“Are you hurt?” he asked.

“Oh, no,” she lied, a sharp pain shooting through her leg. She was embarrassed to look so flustered. Her ears were hot and red. She’d wanted to seem graceful and alluring. But he wasn’t laughing at her. He just frowned and looked worried.

“Well, you look hurt. Sit down,” he said, his voice low and assertive.

“…….”

“Go on,” he insisted. She obeyed, plopping down on the stoop. She had no strength left in her body to resist. He squatted down in front of her and tested the bend of her ankle, his fingers tracing downward over her stockings. The fabric was so thin, and his touch made her tremble down to her toes.

He tried to take off her shoe. Women’s dress shoes are difficult to take off, and his thick fingers pulled clumsily at the buckle. His jet-black hair, usually so neatly slicked back, slipped over his forehead as he worked.

I want to see...

I want to see his face.

I want to see his eyes.

Even if he frowned at her, even if he thought she was strange, she wanted nothing more than to see his face. Almost involuntarily, she reached out her hand and pushed back his bangs. His hair flowed softly through her fingers.

“...”

Doyun raised his eyes at her sudden touch. His gaze held her so strongly she couldn’t move. She just stared at him, her hand still resting on his forehead. He did not pull away. He just looked through her, as if to see what she was thinking. She pressed his forehead with her thumb.

“Your... your hair...” she stammered an excuse, “I thought maybe you couldn’t see.”

An obvious lie. But he didn’t contradict her. She could see the muscles in his cheeks moving. As if his silence had given her permission, she was filled with a sudden burst of courage she didn’t know she had.

“Sunbae...”

Hayeon let her fingers fall lightly across his face. From his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, to the strong jawline she had always longed to touch. When her fingers reached his lips, her courage surged. This was her last chance.

“If you truly have to marry someone...” her lips resisted but she pushed through, “marry me.”