Painful, but Desirable

Chapter 4

“Marry me,” Hayeon said. Doyun’s cold eyes narrowed. The fluorescent lights of the one-room apartment amplified the harshness of his gaze.

“Shin Hayeon,” he said, nodding his head slightly. “Were you always such a lightweight? You’re wasted.”

“No. I’m not drunk. I just can’t stand up,” Hayeon replied, voice clear and bright as if to prove she wasn’t drunk. A faint bruise was starting to appear on her knee where she had fallen. She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. “My head is completely clear and sober. So? What do you think? You don’t have to look any further! Marry me.”

“You and me?” he said with suspicion. It was unthinkable. Maybe it was the witching hour or the alcohol, but something had filled Hayeon’s soft face with conviction.

“Yeah. You and me,” she said.

“Why?”

Because I like you. Because I’d rather die than watch you marry another woman. Because this is my last chance. She swallowed her thoughts. She could still hear his words ringing in her ears, the words describing the kind of person he wanted to marry.

“I’m looking for someone who’s not interested in romance or love. Someone who can marry solely for personal gain. Because I am someone like that.”

If she wanted to marry Doyun, she had to look like she had no interest in romance or love. She had to hide her yearning for him and become the woman that he wanted. She could marry him first and win his heart later. Right now, the most important thing was not losing him. She didn’t want another woman to steal him away.

“I want to get married too. Like you,” she said.

“Where is this coming from?”

Just saying she wanted to get married wasn’t going to convince him. That made sense. A drunk hubae suddenly saying they want to marry you isn’t the most enticing offer. Hayeon searched her fuzzy thoughts for something to say.

“Money, reputation... I need those things,” she said, fumbling her words a little. Once she’d said it, she worried about how she’d look to him. But this was the only way. Hayeon was a full-time employee at a major corporation, but she came from a family with nothing. Her parents were divorced. Her father left home when she was a child, never to be heard from again, and her mother ran a small shop selling side dishes.

Hayeon was proud of her mother. Her mother’s two strong hands had raised her and put her through university. But it wasn’t much compared to Doyun’s background. If she married him, she would become part of a chaebol family—a family of business moguls—and fame and fortune would follow. She couldn’t reveal that, to her, the real prize was Cha Doyun himself. She had to pretend like she was after his money and power. She traced his face with trembling hands. The skin on his chin clung softly to her fingertips.

He glanced down at her hand and then spoke. “If you want to get married, find someone else.”

“Sunbae, you’re looking for someone, too. I’m...” I’m... nothing compared to you, but... “I know you well, and you know me. There’s no need to find someone else.”

Doyun smirked. The corners of his lips curled up like he was laughing at her.

“Do I know you well, Shin Hayeon?” he asked. They had known each other for 10 years. Surely, she would be better than some woman he’d never met. But Doyun shook his head. “I don’t think I do. Right now, it feels like I don’t know you at all.”

She wondered what type of person he thought she was, but she didn’t ask. She didn’t want to know how he’d answer. Quiet, unremarkable, not all there—a mass-produced still-life hanging on the wall in a doctor’s office—that was her. If someone like that suddenly proposed to you, of course, you’d be confused. But Hayeon didn’t back down.

“I’ll agree to all of your conditions. We can break up at any time. So just...” Marry me. Me. Not some other woman. Just give me a chance. Before she could finish, he took her hands in his, strong and firm. Her small hand was trapped in his hot grip.

“You don’t like me,” he said.

“…”

Hayeon didn’t know what to say. He had suddenly moved so much closer to her and her body started to quiver. She looked up at him. She could see something burning in his usually placid eyes. Was he angry? She had never seen this side of him. She bit her lip in surprise.

For so long, she’d been nothing more than his hubae—close enough to reach out and touch him, but too afraid. If it seemed like by some chance they might be drawn together, she would back away for fear the feelings in her heart would be exposed. A secret love was something she could keep, something she could hold. She couldn’t lose it.

Had he misinterpreted her avoidance? Doyun was looking at her with confusion and astonishment.

“I know you don’t like me,” he continued. “You never have.”

“…”

“Even now, when you’re stroking my cheek and tempting me to marry you, your hand is shaking with hatred,” he said.

“I don’t hate you,” she said. Her fingernails scratched at the soft palm still gripping her hand. His fingers curled.

“Actually, I like you...” she swallowed, “at least enough to marry you, anyway.”

A line was drawn in her heart. There was no going back now. She pulled the hand he was holding toward her, pulling him along with it. They were close enough to feel each other’s breath. Up close, his eyes blazed. Seeing that faint flame flickering like anger, she told him again, “I don’t hate you.”

She moved closer. His face filled her vision and went out of focus as her lips touched his.

A kiss.

The kiss she had dreamed of but never dared to believe would come true. Especially not like this. To prove that she didn’t hate him. So that she could marry him. His lips were soft and hot. They sent a tingle flowing from her lips, through her swelling chest, to her stomach. She pressed her mouth to his, and he didn’t push her away. He kept holding her hand and let her kiss him.

It was an untrained kiss. But that did nothing to diminish Hayeon’s pleasure. His breath was sweet. She started to grow faint. She pulled her lips away and let out a long breath. Doyun wiped his hand over his mouth. Was he mad? Did he think she’d lost her mind? What he said next was totally unexpected.

“If you wanted to marry me, you should have learned to kiss first.”

“Huh?” she asked, mouth hanging half open. He pulled her in close. Hugging her to his strong chest, he kissed her again. No, he didn’t kiss her. He swallowed her whole. He pressed his tongue into her mouth. She almost jumped back in surprise, but his hand clasped her cheek so she couldn’t move. And she didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to be any further from him than she was now ever again. His kiss, sweet and thrilling, traveled through her mouth, hot as fire down her throat, down, down, down...

“Ah... ah.”

A shallow moan escaped her lips. She didn’t know such sensations existed. Everywhere they touched brought new pleasures. All she’d ever known was that his gaze sent a shiver up her spine.

Is this what it feels like to be with a man? Or is it just with him?

She had imagined it before. When she kissed him in her dreams, it was softer and sweeter, like cotton candy. But this was different. His lips swallowed her up like a riptide. When he coaxed her tongue into his mouth, a slow burn sizzled in her stomach, and she saw stars. It was a feeling impossible to describe.

She stretched her hands around his back and hugged him closer. The muscles in his back were firm under her fingers. His hand slid from her cheek, across her neck, to her shoulder. Whenever their skin touched, her whole body shook.

“Hngh...” another moan escaped her lips as his thigh pushed between her legs, her body rising and falling against his—soft and hard, united in a breathless embrace. Her body ached with longing. She didn’t know when to breathe. The room was spinning.

She pulled her lips away. Doyun’s hot breath poured out. She’d almost lost her mind. She leaned against him to keep from collapsing on the floor. He caught her and held her, grazing her ear with his lips. Holding her face in his hands, he met her eyes.

“It’s funny,” he said, lipstick smeared across his face, tears at the corners of his eyes. His gaze held her as tightly as his lips had. “I don’t know what made you pounce on me tonight, but this kind of thing doesn’t suit you.”

“This kind of thing...” she trailed off.

What kind of thing? Loving you? Kissing you? Wanting you, Cha Doyun? Nothing suits me better than that.

Doyun continued, “I mean—money, desire, those kinds of words don’t suit such innocent lips. You should be with someone normal. Not someone like me.” There was warmth in his words and his eyes, but not his voice. His voice had grown cold again.

“No,” she said. He laughed at her refusal. She was happy that he was still touching her. But even more than joy, she felt relief. Relief that he hadn’t pushed her away.

Sigh.

His dry lips brushed across her earlobe. His breath shook something deep inside her.

“Why are you doing this?” he said, running a finger across her soft lips. “What are you going to do, now that you’ve shaken me like this?”