Painful, but Desirable

Chapter 6

“Let’s get married,” he said. Hayeon couldn’t believe the words she was hearing. As she stood there, blinking in surprise, Doyun gently grabbed her wrist. Feeling the heat of his strong hands, she realized this was not a dream—this was actually happening. Hayeon felt weak in the knees and sat back down in her chair.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. The words slipped out like one of those moans from their kiss that she had no control over. She could feel her heart beating in her chest. That night, after he left, she could barely blink, let alone sleep. Even after drinking so much, she didn’t feel the least bit drowsy.

The next day, she paced nervously around her tiny apartment, too embarrassed to leave. But she did realize one thing—their lips had touched. After so many years of hiding her feelings in fear, she had finally taken a step forward. She knew he may very well marry someone else, but her heart had touched his.

That night, Doyun didn’t say he liked her, but he didn’t say he didn’t like her either. Did that mean she had a chance? If there was even the slightest chance, she had to take it. So, she lied. Her family wasn’t wealthy, but they also weren’t in urgent need of money. She had a little bit left on her student loans, but there was no serious debt. The father who she’d said took money from a private lender had actually disappeared when she was young. Her lips felt clumsy as she lied. She didn’t think the story would fool him, let alone that he’d actually agree to it.

“Why are you so surprised?” Doyun asked. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “You proposed first. Are you getting cold feet now that I proposed back?”

Hayeon shook her head at the hint of derision in his cold voice. Even after the story she spun so carefully, never in her wildest dreams did she believe he’d actually go for it. Cold feet?! She was certainly on an emotional rollercoaster, but the feeling flowing through her body wasn’t fear—it was joy.

“I’m not scared,” she said.

“Really?” Doyun asked as he raised his cup of coffee to his lips and took a sip, washing away the crooked smile threatening to creep up. “That’s fortunate. In that case, what are your conditions?”

“What?”

“How much money do you need?”

He didn’t speak as if the question had any real consequences. To him, this was a business meeting to discuss an investment contract. There was no emotion in his voice, and the interest shining in his eyes moments earlier had cooled. Of course, it had. He wasn’t marrying for love, after all.

Get a hold of yourself, Shin Hayeon. Answer him. Now that he had asked her specific conditions, she realized she hadn’t thought that far. Her mouth moved slowly as she fumbled to find the exact number she would need to sound convincing. What was an appropriate amount of debt?

Her salary at the company was not small. If it was less than 100 million won, he’d think she could handle it by taking out a loan herself. But if it was too much, it wouldn’t be plausible as a personal debt. What was the right amount? She wished she could ask someone. Doyun interpreted her hesitation differently.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed,” he said, “I’m going to have to tell you things I’m not proud of too.”

What could it be? She wondered what he meant, but he motioned for her to speak first. Her lips felt dry as she spoke.

“Around four hundred...” she started. Doyun raised his right eyebrow. Was it too little? To the son of a chaebol family, it must have sounded like pocket change. She quickly corrected mid-sentence, “...fifty million? 450 million won?”

This time he raised both eyebrows. Was it too much? If only she knew the right answer. Her voice crept out carefully, “To be precise, 440 million won.”

“In cash?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, that way she could easily return it to him later.

“Okay. I should be able to find that much for you.”

Hayeon nodded, feeling lucky. She felt like she'd passed a test. Her racing heartbeat settled back into a normal pace.

“What are your other conditions?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

"You've had two days to think about it. There isn't anything else you want?”

She shook her head. There was only one thing she wanted from this marriage—his heart. But that was a wish that couldn't be granted. At least not yet. Until they lived together and she had a chance to grow closer to him, it would have to remain a dream. In other words, she couldn't say that here.

“That's all,” she said, “for me.”

“When do you need the money?” he asked.

“After the wedding… will be fine,” she faltered. Even if it was just pocket change to him, even if it was just a contract, accepting his money weighed on her mind. Once they were married, she'd have to deposit it safely in an account. Even still, it was a dizzying amount of money.

Her mind raced as she thought about the number again—440 million won. It was enough to make her wonder what she'd do if the bank she put it in failed. Doyun tapped his fingernails on the table, something he did whenever he was thinking.

“Now that you've given your reasons, I guess it's time for me to explain mine,” he said. Before, he had looked her directly in the eye, but now his gaze turned toward the window. His casual expression turned cold. “My mother died when I was young. After middle school, I was raised… by my aunt. My mother's younger sister. She is my only real family, and I'm her only family as well.”

Hayeon had assumed he'd grown up under his father. Doyun’s aunt was the CEO of PQ Chemical, where the two of them worked. Hayeon had never worked with her directly, but she had a reputation as a powerful woman. She inherited the company and quickly developed it into a global corporation. But why was Doyun raised by his aunt while his father was alive and well? She saw the corners of his eyes crease slightly.

She'd had no idea. He had always been silent about his family history—about himself in general. She couldn’t forget the fiery look he’d had in his eyes before—all that fire hidden behind such a cold exterior. She wondered what else was hidden there. His distant gaze looked strangely lonesome.

“But…” Suddenly, he couldn’t continue. His lips faltered as he hesitated. He’d asked her to marry him so easily, what could be so hard to say now? “My aunt is sick.”

He clenched his hand into a weak fist and then released it. Where was the confident man from only moments ago? The one before her now looked like he would crumble at the slightest breeze.

“Is it serious?” Hayeon asked.

“Yes,” he said. He spoke plainly, but his lips were tense. “It’s colon cancer. And it’s metastasized. She has a year left. They said a year and a half. It’s been six months since she was diagnosed. So, its a year now.”

He turned to look at her and said, “You’ll have to forgive me for not being able to give a more accurate time frame for the marriage. It should be about one year. Do you understand?”

Until his aunt passed away, that’s what he was saying. That was how long their marriage would last. Hayeon nodded.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you a more specific date,” he said. His apology tugged at her heart. She’d thought of many possible reasons he could need to get married, but she hadn’t imagined this. Her heart ached—for the difficult circumstances he was in, and for lying to him. He reached up and rubbed his clenched jaw.

“She said she couldn’t die... she couldn’t die until she could stop worrying about me,” he said with an empty smile on his face. “She told me to show her that I would be happy—to get married and start a family so she could die in peace. And that’s why we’re putting on this silly play.”

“But why...?” The question slipped from Hayeon’s mouth, despite how much she’d tried to choke it back. Doyun raised his eyebrows.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Why can’t you just be happy?”

Does it have to be a play? Why not truly fall in love? Hayeon held back from saying more.

“I’m not a person who can be happy,” he replied. “I’m not a person who can love or be loved.”

This was the second time he’d told her this. Why would he say that? He already loved someone—he loved his aunt so much he was willing to lose a huge amount of money and turn his life into a play for her. He was capable of love. Even if it wasn’t romantic love, he already loved someone.

“These are my conditions,” Doyun continued. “You can’t tell anyone this is a contractual marriage.”

“Okay,” she said.

“We have to look happy, just like a happy couple. Wherever we go,” he said, smiling mischievously. “You have to act as if you’re in love with me. Do you think you can do that, Hayeon?”

“Yes,” she said, nodding her head. Being in love with him would be very easy for her.

“Really?” he asked.

“I can do it.”

“And lastly, you can’t be romantically involved with anyone else while we are married. Can you do all of these things?” he said. His voice sounded doubtful, but Hayeon was more certain than she had ever been.

It would be simple. Show that she loved him, and no one else. It was all she had done since the day she met him.

“Yes. I can do that,” she said. But would he be able to do it? After speaking about marriage so calmly, like a business deal? He didn’t even seem to like her, much less love her. She wasn’t sure he’d make a very good actor.

Will he really be able to love me? She turned his question back on him. “And you, sunbae? Will you be able to do all of those things?”

“Don’t worry about me,” he said with a laugh. “It’s only you. There’s no other woman for me.”

Doyun’s gaze danced like fire over her lips.

“You’re the only one for me, Shin Hayeon.”