Flames of Death and Life
Feb 08, 2016
End of November. Just 2 months and 2 weeks ago.
My precious baby boy had his first birthday. He was SO happy. Got a Transformers car and ate his very own birthday cake one tiny nibble at a time.
He was SO proud of everything he ever accomplished. Like walking without holding anyone's hand and teaching himself the stairs without ever falling once and just... everything... too many things to name.
He died in his sleep that same night.
And I have no words left. I never know what to say these days. I'm a writer and I'm all out of words.
In the healing process I am shattered and remade. Shattered and remade.
On many days you see me, I am genuinely happy. I cannot linger in darkness, it is not my way. On the other hand, this isn't something you just "get over". This scar will be on my heart for all of time. It's a wound I am both devastated and honored to bear. It can't be explained to anyone who has not felt this level and this brand of pain.
But even if I wanted to hold myself here in this moment... looking back and back until my present life drains away into emptiness... I couldn't do that. Life pulls you forward. The heart always drives you to greater light.
We are going to have a new baby. 30 days pregnant tomorrow and we couldn't be more thrilled... and terrified... and hopeful... and everything else you can think of.
If it is a boy, we will name him Titan, holding superhuman strength in his heart. If it is a girl, we will name her River, always moving forward and bringing new life.
No matter the pain I've endured, I am a better person for all that I've faced these past few months. Because I choose to be.
No matter what fires you face in your life... choose your higher self. Embrace the flames. Feel the fear but step forward anyway. And as best as you can...
Look up.
You may not feel you can... but just by believing...
You
Can
Rise.
Amín
Top comment
I'm so sorry, Janix. I didn't know this had happened at all. ;_;
I won't even pretend to understand what you went (and are going) through, but please know we're always here if you need anything.
*hugs*
May the new baby and you have health and happiness to spare.
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