Kasumi: The characters really are quite lovely.
A: A good story, lots of suspense...
K: I liked the Borg plan. I thought that the Changelings slowly assimilating the crews using the transporters was really clever.
A: ...and apparently, old age is a superpower.
K: I’m not sure I would go quite that far...
A: Think about it for a moment – old people in this universe can do anything! Win battles, dominate in gunfights, fly a giant starship with less than a dozen people, and they’re immune to Borg assimilation. If Starfleet ever realized just how powerful the elderly are, they’d be unstoppable!
K: I think that’s more of a conceit so that the story can happen. Having the characters stopping to catch their breath during action scenes does kind of ruin the pacing.
A: Why, all of the Federation’s enemies would run in terror as soon as they saw the white hair! The Borg would just give up – too many old people for them to ever stand a chance at winning. Of course, it would suck for any kids wanting to get into Starfleet, but they’d have to wait until they’re older than seventy-five, just like everybody else.
K: You might be missing the point here...
A: I can see just one flaw in this plan.
K: Just one?
A: They’d need more bathrooms. Old people need to go to the bathroom more, right?
K: I suppose.
A: So, Starfleet needs plumbers, stat!
K: Perhaps we should move on...
A: I guess the real question is whether the elderly’s superpowers are directly correlated to their number of wrinkles...
K: ...and let’s talk about the Borg plan. Tricking the entire fleet to gather in orbit around Earth and then assimilating them all at once was a really clever move. They basically had an instant invasion force!
A: It’s a good plan, but it has a big flaw, though. A massive flaw, in fact.
A: All those ships sitting around in orbit...just think of the traffic jam they caused – why, it would be a threat to the entire solar system! Shipping would be brought to a standstill! Nobody would receive their bills on time! People would be waiting for days to visit their grandmother on the moon! It would be an all-destroying catastrophe!
K: I think the Borg assimilating everybody is a bigger problem...
A: I wouldn’t say that...the Borg can’t attack Earth if they can’t get to it. Why else would they be waiting around Jupiter instead of joining their new fleet? They can’t get through the traffic jam!
K: I’m pretty sure that’s not what’s going on.
A: Oh, it absolutely is, and I can prove it.
A: Think about it for a moment – what is the first thing that the Borg do as soon as they assimilate the fleet? They move the ships. Their first act is to try to get rid of the traffic jam...but it’s so bad that they’re still stuck waiting at Jupiter!
K: That logic is...there.
A: It is inescapable...as is the great Frontier Day traffic jam.
K: We should probably wrap up.
A: You’re right. We should. And I’m awarding “Best Girl” status to the Borg Queen.
K: Wait, really?
A: Oh yes. You have any idea how hard it is to make tubes coming out of the back of your head work as a fashion statement? She rocks those things!
K: Okay then...to conclude, we liked Star Trek Picard...and apparently there’s superpowers and a traffic jam.