Kasumi: Bullet Train was a lot of fun.

Aquila: It was great!  Inventive action, lots of laughs, just an all-round fun time.

K: And it was set in my home country.  I miss Japan sometimes, you know.

A: Japan is nice.  Although I remember it having fewer assassins.

K: Well, the story was about assassins.  It would have been hard to leave them out of it.

A: True enough.  And there was a nice twist in the middle.

K: It was a good twist.

A: That said, I think it was a bit obvious who the mastermind was – after all, they’re there right from the beginning of the movie.

K: Wait...I don’t remember the mastermind being introduced until well after the movie started.  Who did you think it was?

A: Isn’t it obvious?  It’s the snake!

K: That...doesn’t sound right.

A: Think about it, Kasumi!  The snake is introduced right at the start.  It appears in the background of key scenes, always off to the side, always watching, and it’s one of the last things you see before the credits roll.  It’s clearly planning something and orchestrating everything.

K: But...it’s a snake.  How can it orchestrate anything when it can’t talk to anybody?

A: We don’t see it talk.  But, clearly it can, or it wouldn’t be able to mastermind everything that happens.

K: Wait a moment.  According to the movie, the snake gets on the train because an assassin steals it from the zoo and brings it with her.

A: That’s just what the snake wants everybody to think.  Clearly it escaped and used the assassin to get a free ride.

K: A free ride...

A: Well, poisonous snakes aren’t allowed to be passengers on trains.  If it just tried to buy a ticket, the ticket agent would say “no,” or the ticket would be really expensive.  Really, using an assassin to smuggle itself on board is the most reasonable solution.

K: And what about the big bad guy, that crime lord called the White Death?  How did the snake get him to buy tickets for all of the assassins so that they will kill each other?

A: Hypnosis over a cell phone.

K: Hypnosis...

A: Well, it is a poisonous snake.  Hypnosis is a thing they do.

K: And the cell phone?

A: It dialed the number with its tail.

K: Its tail.

A: I didn’t say it dialed the number fast.

K: And how did it know the number to dial?

A: It’s a mastermind.

K: I see.

A: That Ladybug guy figured it out.  Why else would he have written a warning about the snake on the toilet seat when he trapped it in the toilet?

K: Possibly because it’s a poisonous snake that would bite whoever used the bathroom?

A: You’re not thinking this through logically – the snake can hypnotize people, right?  And it’s a mastermind – it wouldn’t stay trapped by something as insignificant as a toilet!  Ladybug was resisting the hypnosis, and a warning was the best he could do.  It all fits, and there are no plot holes whatsoever!

K: So, the snake is the mastermind, and...

A: ...and it wins.  That Ladybug guy is only alive at the end because the snake wanted him to be.  The snake has plans for him, you see.

K: Right...

A: Let’s hope we get a sequel.  I want to see what the snake does next.

K: Okay then...moving along, who is your candidate for "Best Girl" this time?

A: Isn’t it obvious?  The Prince!

K: You mean the daughter of the White Death who’s trying to kill her father?

A: Absolutely – she almost survives the machinations of the snake!  She makes it all the way to the climax!  Credit where it’s due, Kasumi.

K: Okay then...to wrap up, we liked Bullet Train, and apparently the poisonous snake controls everything...

A: Beware the snake!