Trust

It’s the weekend and Motema sits on the couch with his arms wrapped around Jade’s waist. His head lays on his shoulder as Jade holds on to his arm. Motema tightens his grip on Jade’s waist and nuzzles his face in the crook of his neck. He starts kissing his neck, starting with little pecks then getting more passionate. Jade smiles and laughs a little,

“Tem…” he moans quietly.

Motema’s hand moves onto Jade’s thigh as he sucks and licks his neck, gently scraping him with his teeth. Jade repositions himself so he’s facing Motema and puts his arms around his neck. As they kiss breathlessly, their tongues intertwining, Motema moves his hands up Jade’s shirt, grabbing at his waist.

Jade pushes Motema’s hands back down along with his shirt; Motema starts to move his shirt back up again, but Jade pushes Motema’s hands back down again, this time pulling away from Motema,

“I’d rather keep my shirt on,” He says, “Is that ok?”

“Well, normally, but,” Motema starts, “Kil mentioned you used to cut, and you might still…” Motema trails off.

“And you believe that?”

“I believe her, I- I mean, I don't know if you cut now, but I wanted to bring it up, in case.” He says coyly.

“Why would I even do something like that?” Jade scoffs.

“I don’t know, but honestly, I wouldn’t put it past you. It kinda makes sense, I mean it’s not the first time you’ve been weird about taking your shirt off with me.”

“Sometimes I just don’t feel like it,” Jade pulls away from Motema completely, sitting upright on the couch, “that doesn’t mean I’m-” His voice suddenly drops to a whisper as he avoids eye contact, “hurting myself.”

“No, but that and the history-your history with cutting, makes it suspicious.”

“Well I don’t have history with it.” Jade continues in a whisper.

“Well, Kil said otherwise-” Motema starts, slowly.

“Well Kil doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” Jade interrupts, distraught.

“She said your partners said it was true.” He continues to pry.

“Then they’re liars.” Jade says as he scratches his hand with his thumb.

“Ok, so you didn’t cut?” Motema asks him directly.

“No.” He responds, crossing his arms, looking back down at him.

“Really?” Motema asks, skeptical.

“Yes, really.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why would I lie about something like this?” Jade asks, irritated as he opens his arms up again.

“Because this is exactly the kind of stuff you lie about, you avoid problems by just pretending they don’t exist.” Motema’s volume increases.

“I don’t have problems-”

“You’re human!” Motema shouts, frustratingly, “A human, in therapy! Of course you have problems!”

There's a moment of silence before Jade speaks again.

“Well this isn’t one of them.” He mumbles.

“Prove it.”

“What?” Jade looks at him, baffled.

“Prove you don’t cut. Take off your shirt and show me I have nothing to worry about. If you can do that, you can put it back on and I won’t bother you about it again.” Motema elaborates.

“Wha- no.” Jade shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“Because, you should trust me.”

“Why, you’ve given me no reason to, and every reason not to. If you really don’t cut, it shouldn’t be a problem.” He argues.

“I already told you, I don’t want to take my shirt off, and it’s not that I’m hiding anything, it’s the principle.” Jade stated.

“The principle?” Motema thinks for a moment, “What does that mean?” he asks nonchalantly.

“I’m not taking my shirt off because I believe that in a relationship, trusting your partner is a must, and taking my shirt off would be saying it’s ok that you don’t trust me.” He explains.

“So you’re trying to prove a point?” Motema boomed, “Proving a point is more important than earning my trust!?”

“When my point is about having you trust me, yea kinda.”

Silence falls between them once again.

Motema sighs, “Ok, I guess I'll just have to trust you.”

Jade smiles, “thankyou.”

Motema leans in and places his hands either side of Jade. He kisses him, continuingly leaning as he does, causing Jade to fall back onto the couch. Motema continues kissing him down his neck, as he grabs onto Jade’s arms. He takes his arms and moves them over his head, pushing them into the couch.

“Tem-” Jade grunts uncomfortably.

Motema continues kissing his neck as he holds onto Jade’s wrists with one hand, while the other pulls his left sleeve down. As he pulls the sleeve down Motema feels dry, rough scars on Jade’s arm.

“Motema!” Jade yells as he pushes Motema off of him and grabs his wrist, “what the hell?!” he says, shaking as he slides his sleeve back down.

“You lied to me!” Motema yells back.

“You said you trusted me.” Jade’s voice cracked as he whispered.

“Yea, well, I can lie too.”

“You’re an asshole.” Jade says, his eyes glistening as he stands up.

“Jade, wait,” Motema grabs his wrist to stop him.

Jade pulls his arm away quickly, looking back at him bitterly.

“Plea- don’t go. I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been forceful, I just- I-” Motema takes a breath, 

“I understand if you need space, but please don’t leave, I’ll keep my distance, you can have the room as long as you need, I-I can even sleep on the couch, just don’t go.” He begs.

Jade looks at him for a second, holding his arm against his chest. He turns and looks at the door for a moment, then continues to the bedroom.

Jade sits against the bathroom door with his legs crossed, feeling numb. There's a gentle knock on the other side of the door,

“Jade, I uh, it’s getting late, so I was gonna go to bed- or sleep. I’ll take the couch, so you can have the room to yourself.” He pauses for a response, but there’s nothing but silence.

“Try to get some sleep, ok? I love you.” There's another moment of silence followed by footsteps walking away. 

Jade slowly grabs the door handle and pulls himself up. He trudges out of the bathroom and towards the living room, where he finds Motema laying stomach up on the couch. Motema turns onto his stomach as he looks up at Jade standing before him, holding himself. Jade opens his mouth to speak, but no words follow and he closes it again. Closing his eyes in frustration, he sighs and tries again,

“I-” he lets out another sigh as the words get stuck again.

“It’s ok,” Motema says, as he sits up, “Take your time.”

Jade looks at him, “I-I can’t” he sighs again, shaking his head in defeat.

“I’m sorry I was aggressive-”

“That’s not the problem, you’re not the problem.” He emphasizes.

“You’re not upset with me?” Motema asks, surprised.

“No,” He takes a seat in the arm chair, “I’m glad you know. I was upset because anxiety, I just needed some time to calm down, and process everything.” He talked softly.

“So, you’re ok?”

“I will be, I mean, I can’t cut anymore so…” He trails off.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you aren't gonna let me, now are you? But it's good, it’s good.” He says, unconvincingly.

“You don’t sound good with that.” Motema points out.

“It's complicated, but it doesn't matter ‘cause I can't do it, I can’t.” he says with a twisted smile.

“Are you hearing yourself right now?” Motema asks, concerningly.

“What do you mean?” Jade asks, unaware.

“You just said you aren’t going to cut because I won’t let you, and your feelings don’t matter.”

“No, I can’t,” he insists, “I mean there’s no point if I can’t get away with it, it’s like committing a crime knowing you’ll get caught.”

“But, hurting yourself isn’t a crime, I mean you shouldn’t do it, but not because somebody else tells you to, but because you choose to.”

“I’ve tried that, it doesn't work, I don’t listen to myself.” He looks down as his smile fades.

Motema waits a moment to respond,

“You know you deserve better, right?”

“Then, you?” Jade asks as he looks back up at him.

“No, then, how you treat yourself, you deserve better, you know that, right?” Motema repeats.

“Um, I think so?” He questions.

“Then why treat yourself like shit?”

“I-I don’t know.” Jade looks back at the ground for a moment, “I know you want me to stay, but I need to clear my head.”

“That’s fine, whatever you need.” Motema said, softly.

“I’ll be back, and I’ll join you in bed.” Jade says as he stands up and starts for the door.

“Ok, take the house key with you.”

“Ok, I love you.” Jade says as he opens the door behind him.

“I love you too.”

-MIXED-

A few days later Jade sits across from his therapist in her office.

“So, I take it you came to some sort of realization?” She asks, expectantly.

“I have to spend my entire life with myself,” Jade starts to explain, “that's why it's so important for one to love themselves, but I don't love myself. I don’t hate myself, but I'm not happy with myself either.” He talks fast, “After thinking about why that is, I realized, I’m not who I want to be. I’m not even sure who I want to be, but it’s not this. My entire teenage years I tried to be the opposite of what I thought my parents wanted, because I wanted their attention. I've spent my entire college life being who I thought they wanted me to be, because I wanted their attention, but I’ve always had their attention, it’s just different from other parents, and I knew that growing up, but, teenage hormones and emotions made me think they didn’t care. I know better now, I know they love me, and care about me, and they want me to be who I want to be, and I want that too.” He looks up at her, “But, I think that’s something I have to do alone, without any distractions.”

“You mean without Tem.” She clarifies.

“Yea.” Jade confirms.