I’m quite aware that it’s my fault that my family are annoyed with me, so I guess the best way to sort that out is to just go away completely. I’m usually in favor of ‘sorting things out’ when I have a problem, but I think this is one of those things that I just can’t fix. There’ve been a lot of things like that lately.

I also know I’m a hypocritical piece of shit. I complain all the time about people feeling sorry for me, but I still manage to be as dramatic as possible, running away to my boyfriend’s house on Christmas Day, trying not to start crying and/or ruin Christmas for everyone. What the hell are people supposed to do when I act like this? Way to live up to my ‘crazy person’ stereotype.

I know Bella’s trying her best to help. I feel kind of bad for running out on her like that. Out of everyone in my adoption family, she’s probably being the most genuinely helpful, and I seriously do appreciate her. She doesn’t pester and she doesn’t avoid the issue, which my adoption parents are apparently pros at. I don’t feel like a maniac when I’m talking to her.

Okay. Sorry. My therapist said I shouldn’t call myself a ‘maniac’. Or a ‘crazy person’. Because I’m not. I know I’m not. I guess sometimes it feels good to exaggerate.

I am doing better. I’m not lying about that. I get that ‘spending a few weeks in a psych ward’ sounds like the most horrific thing ever to some people. I guess I’ve heard horror stories about some places that treat patients really badly. But for me, it was exactly what I needed. I got to start therapy properly. I got to meet other people my age who have eating disorder. I had a team of people assigned to help me start working towards recovery.

And it made me realise that my coping mechanisms – the restrictive eating, the self harm, and my other compulsions – are just that: coping mechanisms. It’s not about just stopping myself doing those things, it’s about figuring out why I feel those impulses. What the emotional stuff is underneath.

While there’ll be good days and bad days, I can get better.

God. Now I sound like my therapist.

And I think today is turning out to be one of the bad days.