Now we had a particular operation in the experimental stages that would probably send our operation internationally. We would steal, I mean borrow some of the sugar packets from the local diner and teacher’s lounge to make a new soda and sell the packets for 50 cents each. Now this may seem like chump change, which it is, but the amount of revenue from such a thing builds up especially from the low income kids. I would get 20 sales from the sugar packet sales every hour, five hours of each day for five days a week. The math for such an undertaking was $50 a day, $250 a week, and approximately 9 grand every school year. And that was only the money made from the sugar packets!

Now of course I would have five extra sugar packets each day set aside for your’s truly which undoubtedly got me through the day quite exceptionally. I would only ever eat one a school day however, because of one day that as FDR said, will live on in infamy.

It was a slow day business wise at the school because several of the upper level classes were on field trips; so me, Tony and Weekend decided to take all five sugar packets at once in the boys’ restroom. Everything was going smoothly until we came upon The Old Throne. Now The Old Throne was the oldest toilet in the school. It had been a really nice seat in a mansion one hundred years ago, until the mansion became abandoned in the 70’s. The place was torn down and the toilet of the master bathroom was given to Rosedale after the contractor accidentally set up plumbing for an additional porcelain piece when only a few toilets were purchased! You can’t have good work done, now can ya?

So, for thirty years, The Old Throne has been the nastiest toilet in the boy’s restroom and the number one place for swirlies. It was also very tall, and little short kids would either fall off it or into it. One kid busted his lip on the seat while another kicked it and broke his toe. This chamber pot has seen many crimes and it would have probably seen more until the sugar packet incident.

While me, Weekend, and Tony were jazzing up on the sugar The Old Throne opened its lid and shouted “Hey! Unless you kids are here to do nature’s business, get out!” We were all startled but Throney kept going, “I’m an important utility to this school, and I won’t be disrespected!” The toilet suddenly lowered as if sad and moaned, “I used to be a work of art, an item of value, now I’m going to be nothing more than a grave for bad Salisbury steak”.

Tony then started up with, “You also make the career of loser kids a living…” “Tony, this is a family book!” I shouted. “Throney, I think me and my crew can help you.” “How do we do that, boss?” asked Weekend Special. “Well, first we got to give Throney a makeover, then a job to give purpose”. “But what do we get in return?” Tony inquired in an irritable tone which I did not appreciate. “We are going to turn him into an executive toilet for us three”. Tony and Weekend stopped listening and looked on with both mouths agape.

“Think about it, with the money we take in from sales, we could get a plumbing specialist to clean and preserve Throney to his original glory plus some modern features so say goodbye to the old pull chain”. Throney shot upright and asked in a puzzled voice, “how am I going to flush then?” I started to think some more and then I finally came up with a solution. “We are going to fit you with an automatic flusher”. The Old Throne perked up and said, “Oooh, like those fancy toilets from the space age.” “Yes, I think” I was coming down from the sugar buzz and everything was turning dark.

I woke up in the nurse’s office with a wet dirty shirt, and a pounding headache. My vision was still very blurred and my stomach was in knots. As soon as I came to, I looked up to see the principal shooting fire from his eyes at your’s truly and I felt like things were about to get real. I blinked and said, “Before yous guys say anything, my congressman did it also”.

Mr. Von Peter, the principal, pulled his hair back and began his tirade, “Mr. Tallon, you not only skipped out of class, but you also had contraband on you and in your system”. “Contraband? Oh, you mean the sugar. Listen, I thought it was salt and..” “We also found some older students with the same product with you all though none of them want to talk”. My life flashed before my eyes, Von Peter was a crazy man. He could put me on advanced probation or turn me into Juvie! I was about to lose not only my freedom and reputation, but also my business.