14

December

Perhaps this is the day I realized

How much image mattered to my mother

My Silence in that home was too loud

It wasn’t even Christmas yet

They through a party because we would be with my mother's family for Christmas that year 

They spoke while I held my head down 

They spoke to me and I didn’t attempt to build a conversation 

Perhaps I was still shaken 

Perhaps it was still too soon

My step-father's lies still rung in my ears

And the door was only now being closed

Still, I stared at it praying it wouldn’t open

I only slept facing that door

Only after exhaustion swept me into its arms

Could I sleep

I still felt the lump in my throat

even after I swallowed

I felt my eyes burn anytime I spoke

On my drive home, my mother stopped the car in the driveway

“Do you hate him, do you hate me?”

“No ama”

“Then why do you embarrass me so”

“…”

Tears dropped down my eyes but not a sob

I inhaled and exhaled

Deep enough so a sob couldn’t escape 

My silence became my asylum

It prevented more tears and anger

Or maybe it caused anger

My aloofness allowed me to sit in that dark cold kitchen corner and cry

Until I forced myself up and into the bathroom

In fear that my brother would get home from work and see me cry 

What would I say 

What could I say 

So I washed my face

Smiled in the mirror 

Practice I thought 

15

I’m sorry I wasn’t looking like a victim

Did I need to cry every day for you to see

Did you want to see me in fear of him 

Is that what you wanted

Because whenever he walked past me 

And his hand landed on my waist

I tensed up 

Like when his hand landed on my breast 

But somehow at 13, I called out his name

Hoping he’d stop and he did

He’d go back to his bed

Why me

But now I couldn’t say a thing

What do I do when silence is my asylum

Silence keeps me safe

And fear keeps me silent

How could you tell your daughter you don’t believe her

After you sat next to her on her bed

In front of her two siblings

Whom she never wished would find out about their father

Whom she loved and wanted to protect

While she cried and trembled before you 

And fidgeted her fingers in fear

So much you couldn’t understand her

And ask her

“Did he make you touch him” 

And then make him apologize the next day 

With her in the room 

Make her go to him 

While he lied saying he didn’t do anything

But he was sorry if he offended her

But his phone was so full of greed lust and lies

How could he lie so well two feet away from the one thing that could convict him

15

“Are you doing it to break us up do you hate me?”

You told me you’d protect me

You told me it was ok 

That it’s good I told you

I wanted to trust you 

And I did

The one woman I could trust… 

I was wrong

12

“Don’t tell your mom” 

Funny, how could one phrase would hold so much power

While the words are so insignificant

Was I afraid of him or that

You wouldn’t believe me

That he’d still do it again 

That there was no proof

That he could easily deny it

That I was making it up for attention 

Why didn’t I say anything

Was I scared you’d think I wanted it

Did I want it?

Did I