Chapter Three (Part 2)

cw: mild panic attack

I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him to fuck off and let his guards be devoured by the forest. But who’s to say that Idris wouldn’t just force his way into the palace anyway? Everything in the god realm was his, according to him, including my palace. If he wanted to stay here, he would stay. And besides, saying no may equate to a declaration of war in some god’s eyes. Namely Anastasia. For not being a goddess of war, she was always eager to use everything I did as a reason to declare it. I could barely fart without her saying I was plotting to take over the realm. It was annoying as shit, and I’d really rather not deal with it. I was already going to get shit over the whole river thing. Better to avoid stoking the flames.

I also wanted to say yes just for the sheer sadistic joy of watching his guards get lost forever in my palace. Of course, Idris for some reason was immune to the illusion on the hallways. I wasn’t sure about why that was either, considering I hadn’t told him about it or how to navigate it. He didn’t enter my palace often, but the one time he did without me guiding him, he somehow managed to beeline straight to my room, where I was holed up hiding from him. And I know neither Peace nor Wisdom would have helped him.

That day, I remembered, was the one and only time I’d tried to avoid going to the monthly god meeting. I hated going to those things. They were basically two hours of gods blaming me for all their problems, and I was sick of it. So when the next one rolled around, I stayed at home in bed, thinking no one would even notice that I was gone.

The meeting was supposed to be at nine in the morning, which, fuck that, too early, so I just slept in. Nine o’clock came and went. But at exactly nine-fifteen, a burst of power shivered up my spine, waking me up from a sound sleep. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes, blearily looking around, and at first, I thought I had dreamed the sensation. No way someone was outside my palace. Especially not at nine-fifteen in the fucking morning.

Except, not more than two minutes later, there was a light knock at my door. Still half-asleep and thinking it was either Peace or Wisdom, I called for them to come in.

The door opened quietly, but I didn’t bother getting out of bed to greet the visitor, and instead just closed my eyes again, relaxing in my cocoon of blankets. Peace and Wisdom both liked to cuddle, so I figured whichever one it was would just crawl into bed with me.

After a few moments, however, I didn’t feel anyone wiggling in beside me, and reluctantly opened my eyes again, curious. Thinking perhaps something was wrong, and one of my kids needed to talk, I sat up.

“What’s – aah!”

I jerked back against the headboard with a startled shout, which was entirely fucking justified because Idris was standing at the foot of my bed with his ever-present gentle smile firmly in place.

“Rook,” he greeted pleasantly, as if we were co-workers passing each other in the hallway, and not king and subordinate staring at each other in my fucking bedroom.

I gaped at him, wondering if I was finally having a much-needed mental breakdown, but no. No matter how much I blinked and pinched my thigh under the covers, he was still there, staring at me placidly.

Suddenly, I became all too aware of the fact that the king of the realm was in my private space, and that I was very vulnerable, with my hair mussed from sleep, wearing only a black t-shirt with a worn collar that slipped down over one shoulder and black sleep shorts. I felt like a rabbit cornered in its den by a snake, and that made me very, very angry.

“Get. Out,” I seethed, throwing the covers back so I could stand. Idris ignored me, but he seemed to understand that I felt threatened, because he took a few steps back toward the door, giving me more space.

“You didn’t come to the meeting,” he said.

Yeah…duh.

“Why do you care?” I asked, backing up to the nightstand so that I could throw a book at him if I had to. “I’m not needed or wanted there. Do you think I want to sit in that tiny room with those assholes slinging their shit at me? You think that’s my idea of a good time?”

Idris seemed to contemplate that, lowering his gaze to the floor. I watched him vigilantly, breathing faster for some reason, tense and waiting for him to rush me. Each breath was filled with more of his rosemary and cedarwood scent, and it was making me dizzy. His entire presence was practically pressing me to the window, even though he was standing clear across the room. It was the aura of a king.

And seeing him with that thoughtful, conflicted expression only brought back memories I’d really rather forget. He’d looked that way back then. Like he was trying to figure me out and coming to all the wrong conclusions. It drove me insane.

Finally, Idris seemed to reach a conclusion to whatever it was he was deciding about me. That was the thing about Idris. He was always trying to analyze me, trying to fit me into his little boxes. Judging me based on his morals, his understanding of existence. He would never really understand me, though, and some part of him knew that. It unsettled him, which was quite the feat. Idris’s feathers were not easily ruffled.

“You’re one of us,” he said at last, accepting no arguments. “You are a god, you rule a kingdom, therefore, you should have a voice among us. We are a community, and like it or not, you’re part of it.”

I laughed a little, but the sound was strangled and bordering on hysterical. My legs were twitching with the urge to run. Logically, I knew Idris wasn’t going to hurt me, and to be perfectly honest, he himself had nothing to do with my reaction. I hated feeling trapped like this. In fact, it was making me feel kind of sick, and if I stress-barfed in front of Idris I would probably just kill myself and save myself the embarrassment of continuing to live.

Idris slowly frowned, finally noticing that I was acting like a fucking freak, and concern caused his eyebrows to furrow. He took a step toward me. “Rook – ”

I flinched. Idris noticed, and internally, I winced. Goddamn it. Distract him – I have to distract him, I thought.

“You think any of those fuckers consider me part of the community?” I said, thankful that my voice came out steady. Idris’s posture still said he wanted to come over to me, but I would probably pass out or start foaming at the mouth if he did. Thankfully, he answered me instead of doing so.

Idris shook his head. “They don’t,” he admitted. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t important. Come on. I put the meeting on hold until you arrived. They’re waiting for us.”

He wasn’t taking no for an answer. And I wanted him out of my fucking room.

“…Fine. Fine, whatever. Get out so I can change.”

Idris eyed me for another moment, and he pursed his lips, clearly wanting to ask why I was behaving so oddly, but in the end, he simply nodded and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. I could still feel his presence lingering outside, but with the door between us, I was able to breathe a little easier. I still felt dizzy with irrational terror, and Idris’s scent was still clouding up the air, choking me. But at least I could breathe.

As I slowly changed into a pair of black jeans and a loose gray sweater, I prayed that Idris would conveniently forget that ever happened. Or that he would consider it not his problem, and just ignore it. Gods forbid he try to talk to me about why I started hyperventilating just from having him in my bedroom. I wouldn’t be able to answer him, and it would only make him push harder.

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to pat it down. It felt flat, but I didn’t know if it was, and the mirror would show me nothing, so I didn’t bother looking at it. Although, I was oddly glad in that moment that I couldn’t see my own reflection. I didn’t want to see dilated pupils and sickly pale skin, like a rabid animal. I didn’t want to see myself like that, but then again, I didn’t want to see myself at any other time, either.

There was nothing to see. Literally.

Taking a deep breath to compose myself, I left the room to join Idris for the meeting. It wasn’t until later that I had my head on straight enough to wonder how Idris had managed to break through the illusion on the hallways. I just assumed the illusion wasn’t strong enough to fool someone as powerful as Idris.

I pulled out of the memory with a frown to see Idris staring at me expectantly. Shit. What were we talking about?