I am sitting at the usual family dinner with my parents and my little sister. The smell of freshly cooked food fills the air. We're having vegetable curry, my little sister Akira's favorite dish. She beams with pride as she tells my parents that she got first place in the mid-term exams and is now the top student of her class. My parents are visibly proud of her and praise her for her hard work and success.
Then my mother turns to me. "And what's new with you? Have you had a job interview yet or maybe met a nice girl?" It feels like a punch in the face. I'm 25 years old and have no idea where my life is headed. I'm not dumb or ugly... but I wouldn't describe myself as intelligent and attractive either. Normal, average, that's probably more accurate. My family loves and supports me, and I love them too. However, I feel uncomfortable in their presence because I know they wouldn't love my true self or might even disdain it. The fear of their reactions and of being alone keeps me from telling them the truth.
The truth is, I've been feeling different for a while now. I'm attracted to men. In theory, I shouldn't be ashamed of it because it's normal. But even though my parents and siblings say that anyone can love whomever they want, it's only okay for them as long as it doesn't directly affect them and they can ignore it.
Just as I'm about to reply to my mother, the doorbell suddenly rings. I get up and open the door. It's my older brother, who has come to visit with his wife and their newborn baby. I greet them warmly and am happy that they're here. It's a welcome distraction from my own problems.
But before they can start questioning me about my life, I hurriedly say goodbye to them as I have to go to my part-time job. As I leave the house, I feel a crushing feeling in my chest as I see my family happy and laughing together. The feeling of not belonging has been with me since I was a child. I close the door behind me and sink into my thoughts.
When I arrive at work, I meet my boss, a short, chubby, and angry man in his forties. He snaps at me and complains that I'm late. But I know him well enough to know that he doesn't take his actual work seriously and would rather watch sports broadcasts on TV, which he then refers to as "bookkeeping."
I put on my work shirt and go to the cash register, where I start stocking the cigarette packs. As usual, it's not very busy, so I restock items, clean, and serve a few customers. The kiosk where I work is old and not very big, so there aren't many customers. The only new addition is a surveillance camera that supposedly serves to protect the kiosk from thieves. In reality, my boss just wants to monitor his employees because there's nothing worth stealing here. I stand at the cash register, pretending to be busy. It's dark outside, and I count the minutes until closing time. Suddenly, the doorbell rings, and a drunken man enters the kiosk. He has a beer belly and is about forty years old. He is accompanied by a scantily clad woman who is probably half his age. The air is filled with the smell of cheap vodka and cigarette smoke.
The man staggers towards the cash register and demands alcohol, cigarettes, and condoms, while the woman grabs a pack of chips. I ring up the items and pack them into a bag. "That will be €15.48," I say. The man tosses his card at me while flirting with the woman, and they both laugh. Annoyed, I reluctantly take the card with a fake smile. As I swipe the card, the machine beeps with a "Card declined" message. I try again, but it beeps once more. "What's taking so long?" the man yells. "Sir, I'm sorry, but your card has been declined," I reply politely. "What? That can't be! You must be doing something wrong! Is this your first day here?" the man shouts at me, growing more agitated, his face turning the color of an overripe tomato. He snatches the card from my hand and throws cash at me.
As I bend down to pick up the money from the floor, the door suddenly opens, and my boss walks in. The man who was just in front of me seems to know him as they address each other by their first names. The tension between them is palpable. My boss glares at me, and I feel my throat tighten. I know I'm in trouble once again.
"So, your business must be really going downhill if you have to hire idiots like this," the man says with a malicious grin.
My boss gets angry. "What? What have you done this time? I've had enough of you!"
I swallow and try to explain, "Boss, please, it wasn't my fault. I..."
"I've had enough of you," he interrupts sharply. "Get out!"
Perplexed and stunned, I look at him.
"Are you deaf?! Get out, you're fired!"
I hesitate for a moment, then take off my work shirt and hand it back to my boss. With my head hanging low, I leave the kiosk, hearing the man and the woman laughing mockingly at me. What just happened? It slowly dawns on me, fully realizing the situation.
I can't believe it. I've lost my job, and at the worst possible time when I desperately need the money to finally move out of my parents place. I can't go home right now. My parents would ask me why I came home so early, and I just can't tell them the truth. Why am I such a coward?
I decide to take a walk and eventually sit down on a bench in the park. Suddenly, my phone vibrates. A group message pops up: "Spontaneous meet-up at SeaLover tonight!! Who's in?? Partyemoji."
I ponder for a moment and finally decide that I have nothing to lose. I have no plans anyway, and if I'm lucky, my best friend Kenji will be there. We haven't seen each other in ages, always busy with our own lives, and catching a glimpse of his face would truly do me good.
So, I reply, "Count me in!"
I stand up and make my way to SeaLover. Perhaps a nice evening with friends will help me forget about the disappointment of losing my job.
As I enter the bar, I spot my friends already sitting at a table, drinking beer and having a good time. A joyful smile spreads across my face as I join them. But at the same time, I scan the bar, looking for Kenji. I feel relieved when suddenly I feel his hand on my shoulder and hear his familiar voice. I turn around and look into his eyes. I can't help but think how good he looks as he gets older. Kenji and I have been inseparable since our time in elementary school. But as we grew older, my feelings towards him changed. I'm not sure when exactly my friendly feelings turned into romantic ones, but I'm aware that he only sees me as his best friend. Still, I can't suppress my feelings whenever I see or hear him.
That smile that makes you smile and that voice that just gives you a sense of comfort. His presence alone makes me forget all my worries and troubles.
(this is how I imagine Kenji to look like)
I let my gaze wander through the bar, trying to suppress my budding feelings. But suddenly, I spot the girl clinging to Kenji's arm. My smile fades, and I feel a hollow emptiness in my stomach. One of my slightly drunk friends notices Kenji's companion and asks curiously, "Hey Kenji, who's the babe?" I stay silent and watch as Kenji and the girl sit opposite me and whisper to each other briefly. Then she extends her right hand across the table.
As the bar light illuminates the ring, I can clearly see the sparkling diamond. It's a breathtakingly beautiful engagement ring that immediately catches my attention. Jealousy courses through my body. Kenji proudly announces with a broad smile, "My fiancée!" The others at the table congratulate them warmly and order another round of drinks. I watch as Kenji and his fiancée lovingly kiss and interlock their hands. The sight feels like a stab in my heart.
As they share their engagement story, I feel like a stranger in their presence. Every word that comes out of their mouths only intensifies my pain. I try to hide my true feelings behind a forced smile, but internally, it feels like my heart is shattering into a thousand pieces. In my despair, I grab a beer and down it in one gulp. The bitter coldness of the alcohol provides some relief and momentarily distracts me from my agonizing thoughts. I just want to leave this terrible day behind and forget that I will never be the person standing by Kenji's side.
When it's time to leave, Kenji offers to walk me home. But I politely decline. I need this moment of solitude to sort out my thoughts and deal with the pain coursing through me. So, I wander alone through the dark streets when suddenly I notice three men pelting an innocent cat with stones. A feeling of anger and outrage surges through me. Drunk or not, I can't stand idly by while they torture the helpless creature. I raise my voice and scream at them to stop immediately.
This time, I won't remain passive. This time, I won't be a coward, and I won't keep my mouth shut any longer.
The men scoff at my words and now turn their attention towards me. I feel my adrenaline rise, and my fists clench. Courageously, I take a step towards them, but in my intoxicated state, I stumble over a stone and fall hard on the pavement. As I lie on the ground, I see a bright light approaching me. It's the headlight of a fast-approaching car.
Time seems to stand still, and my heart pounds loudly in my ears. Thoughts of Kenji and my family flood my mind. The next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground, unable to move. I simply lie there and stare into the sky. The night slowly gives way to the light of morning, and I can see the beautiful sunrise painting the sky in vibrant colors. Yet, despite the beauty of this moment, I feel life slipping away from me.
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