*****

We sat quietly on a bench by the river as early joggers passed us in a steady rhythm. Haru looked over at me, resting his arm across the backrest. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice carrying a hint of hurt.

"Why would I? It's not a big deal..." I shrugged, leaning back as I took a deep breath and let it out, hoping to keep things light.

He raised an eyebrow, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "So you're telling me that dropping out because of panic attacks isn't a big deal?"

I met his gaze, huffing, "I was just... exaggerating, okay? I don't want them forcing me to keep going."

Haru's expression shifted to something annoyed, almost exasperated. "Why are you always like this?"

"Like what?" I asked as a fresh breeze drifted past, ruffling the water and stirring the leaves nearby.

"Pretending that you're fine..." Haru stood up from the bench, stretching his arms. His frame seemed even stronger these days, his muscles visible beneath his clothes. Then, in a move that caught me off guard, he dropped to one knee in front of me, placing his hands gently over mine. His eyes held warmth, but something serious, too. "You don't have to do that when you're with me. It breaks my heart."

I flinched slightly, my gaze dropping as a flicker of embarrassment hit me. "I hate being dramatic," I muttered. "Get up, you're drawing attention!" I said as I noticed passersby were staring at us.

Haru's grip on my hands tightened just a little, grounding me. "Caring about yourself isn't dramatic, Myung."

"Just stand up already!"

"I..." Haru hesitated, dropping his gaze as his voice softened. "I hate the fact that I have no power to help you at the moment. The only thing I can do for you is lend you an ear, and you still... don't want that either."

I reached out, cupping his face with my hands, forcing him to look up. "What's gotten into you? I need to handle this on my own."

His expression twisted with hurt as he held my gaze. "Do you also think I'm useless? Not reliable enough?"

"Hold on..." I paused, putting two and two together. "Was that her excuse for cheating on you?"

His jaw tensed, and he looked away, muttering, "That doesn't matter right now."

I let go, standing up from the bench as I met his frustration head-on. "You're confusing things, Haru. This isn't about you being reliable; it's about me taking responsibility for my own life."

Haru rose slowly, his hand resting on my shoulder, his face still taut with emotion. "But Myung... who can just watch someone they care about struggle without doing anything?"

His words hit me, stirring something in the pit of my stomach. "Haru... you..." I hesitated, feeling an unspoken question rise, something I wasn't ready to ask. It would shift everything between us, and I wasn't sure I wanted that.

"Forget it," I said, forcing a smile as I turned toward the river path. "Let's drop this topic. What should we do now?"

Haru sighed, his sadness lingering as he walked alongside me. "Whatever you feel like."

I rubbed my chin, thinking of something to change the mood. "Hmm... let's see..."

Maybe I'm just reading too much into all this. He's just been through a breakup; that is all.

That kiss means nothing...

That's how I deceived myself that day, not dwelling on the small things.

I pushed it aside.

Buried it beneath logic, beneath caution, beneath the lie that if I expected nothing, I wouldn't end up disappointed.