Due to my limited budget, I was thinking about what to get him. I took Taemin shopping with me two days before Haru's birthday to help me pick a gift. In the end, I bought a tie-pin, which was kinda classy... I'm not sure if he'll like it or not, but it was the most appropriate thing I could've purchased.

~

When the weekend came, I rushed to Haru's place to give him his gift. Since I was excited, I even bought a cake. However, when I arrived in front of his apartment and rang the bell a few times, I didn't get any response. Haru wasn't at home. I wondered, "Why would I assume he'd been home?!..."

I pulled out my phone from my pocket, taking Haru's number, but he didn't answer any of my calls.

I was taken aback because he didn't mention anything yesterday at work about not being home today. I leaned my back against the door and stared at my phone's screen for a few minutes. There was no notification from him.

As I was standing there like an idiot, I remembered that I had the spare key to Haru's apartment. He gave it to me as a precaution in case anything like this happened. I took out the key and walked inside. 

The lights were off, and silence filled the room.

On the table, I placed his gift and the cake in the refrigerator. 

I lay down on the couch, waiting for him to return. It was already midnight, but no news from him...

~

Since I was bored, I scrolled on Instagram for about an hour, and then I saw Heejin's post, in which Haru and Heejin with some other girls and boys including Shiwoo and his wife with his younger brother gathered in some bar, celebrating his birthday.

For a brief moment, that usual heartache came to me. I felt left out again...

There were so many people around him... 

If it was just Heejin and him, I wouldn't have been bothered. However, everyone was there except me...

I was the only clueless one here...

He didn't even tell me they had plans...

Why?!...

Is he perhaps ashamed of me?!...

Or simply because he's busy with others, it means he doesn't need me...

He doesn't even bother to answer my calls...

I felt betrayed...

I gradually fell asleep as I waited for him. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself sleeping in Haru's arms on the bed. He reeked of alcohol and smoke again. I pulled out of his arms and sat down on the edge of the bed, letting out a sigh. I glanced at him as he stirred and mumbled something. I didn't want to encounter him at that moment, so I got up and silently left his house as I placed a happy birthday note beside his gift. I walked home, my thoughts a jumbled mess. 

 ~

When I got home, my parents weren't there, fortunately, so I could be in peace for a while. I locked myself in my room and started painting nonstop to calm myself down. 

As I came back to my senses, it was around 6 PM. I hadn't eaten since yesterday evening, which made me completely drained. As soon as I walked into the kitchen to find something to eat, I heard the doorbell.

I walked to open the door and saw Haru standing in front of me. "Why did you suddenly leave? Not even answering your damn phone!!!..." he asked angrily. 

"You looked tired, so I left to let you rest. I didn't notice your call~..." I said as my head was down. 

Walking inside, he said, "You scared me to death!!!"

"Sorry..." I followed him to the living room.

Haru held my shoulder with his left hand and lifted my chin up with his right hand. He looked into my eyes and said, "Tell me what's wrong?... You don't look fine..."

"Why didn't you mention that you'd have a birthday party?... I've waited for hours there, but you didn't come or answer any of my calls either." I asked sorrowfully. 

"How did you find out?! My phone was dead~... I didn't know you'd come~ to my house.~" He looked surprised.

I didn't respond to his question, and he continued, "I~... I didn't tell you because I know you don't suit those kinds of places...

They all kept drinking and smoking until 3 or 4 AM... It was past 5AM when I got home and found you sleeping on the couch... "

+"So you were simply embarrassed because I didn't fit with them..." I frowned.

-"No!... Of course not. I mean you could've been uncomfortable there...

I know you hate smoking, and you don't drink, so bringing you there wasn't a good idea..."

+"Still you could've told me!!!... It was my decision whether to come or not!..." I said it out loud as I was pissed.

I added, "It was your birthday so I~~... wanted to be with you, too~..."

I tried to swallow my pain and sob, and then Haru pulled me into a hug.

-"I'm sorry... I didn't think that it could hurt you... I'm truly sorry... Don't be sad... I've never felt ashamed of you... "

+"I didn't want to act like this... but~... you~... make me helpless~... " Tears rolled down my cheeks.

-"Myung, I like you... I care about you... Don't ever think like that... I'm sorry... "

Then he held me in his arms until I became calm.

-"Let's go to my place, hm?... we should eat the cake you brought!..." He stared at me, anticipating. I nodded and gathered my things. 

After that we returned to his place. He made pasta since we hadn't eaten dinner yet. He opened his present when our dinner was over, and gladly, he liked it.

Then he turned on the music, grabbed my hand, and pulled me close to him...

And said that we should dance again together like the last time in the park when we were kids...

We started to dance as two silly people...

Any kind of dance we know. There were lots of mistakes, but it was fun.

We laughed a lot whenever we made a mistake.

Finally, I was able to feel relieved.

At that moment, nothing mattered.

It was just two of us enjoying our time with the simple silly things...

Eventually, we stopped because we were out of breath.

I breathed heavily while smiling at him, then Haru leaned close to my face, and I thought he was going to kiss me, so I closed my eyes unconsciously.

I could feel his breath near my face, but he suddenly stroked my hair and said,"Let's wash up and sleep... " 

I was literally dumbfounded!...

And that was how we spent his birthday...

~

As September passed, October came soon after.

The weather was getting colder day by day...

But I love autumn and everything about it... Dark cloudy days... Rain and the petrichor... trees with colourful leaves...

So I was in a pleasant mood those days...

We took a stroll whenever we had time...

Drinking hot chocolates and coffee...

Wearing a hoodie...

Watching movies or playing games at home...

Our days were peaceful and enjoyable for a while... 

Even though we all know nothing lasts forever...

~

It was one of the weekends that Haru invited Heejin and her friend over to his house, and yes, I definitely was there, too...

So, four of us gathered together for dinner...

After that, they started drinking wine. I'm not a drinker, but Haru forced me to drink, insisting on that I would feel good...

So for the first time, I gave it a try...

I felt like I was getting drunk after my third glass. My body was getting hot, and I had dizziness.

Heejin and her friend were dancing to the music they'd turned on. Then they left for the terrace to smoke...

Haru and I were sitting on the couch next to each other. I slumped my head over his shoulder because I couldn't hold my head up.

Then Haru said, "Now you're drunk, you'll be answer honestly to whatever I'm asking you..."

+"Ha?... I'm always honest..."

-"Tell me, do you really like me?..."

+"The only reason I tolerate your shitty personality is because I like you!...

Why would I stay with a weird bastard like you!!!... Why don't you believe me?... huh?!"

He laughed and said,"Because I think there's so much difference between my love for you and you liking me...

And you would never understand how deep my feelings are... You're all I have..."

-"You always have so many people around... I'm the one who has nothing... Why would you like a loser like me?..."

Unknowingly, my tears rolled down my cheeks.

In the heat of alcohol, I lost control and cried nonestop...

My heart was still broken from all the tough times that I had put through...

Haru was confused and kept whipping my tears while asking, "What happened to you suddenly?..."

And I was repeating, "I wanna die~... someone like me should die~~... Life is pointless!..."

His lips touched mine out of nowhere...

His kisses were forceful and passionate. My heart raced as he ran his hands through my hair and deepened the kiss.

I felt like I was melting into his embrace, and my mind spun. I knew I should push him away, but I just couldn't because I was completely consumed by the kiss, and I had lost all sense of reality.

My body had no strength, and I felt numb.

Heejin and her friend would've been back at any moment, but I wanted to stay in his arms a little longer. I yearned for his embrace desperately.

~

As I finally came to my senses and pushed him away, when I turned around my head, I saw Heejin standing there with a chilling expression on her face. I felt like the ground had opened beneath me, and I was falling into an abyss. I was filled with embarrassment and shock, and I immediately rushed to the bathroom, my heart aching with guilt.

Why did I let him do that?...

Why is my heart racing?...

15 minutes had passed, but still, I haven't had the courage to go out...

How could I face them?