Less than two weeks almost feels like an eternity. Paul left me frustrated by running out on me and I had to content myself with a slow wank and thoughts of his hands and lips on me.

I understand that I can’t spend his birthday with him, but it is a little bit depressing to miss out on his big day. Maybe one day things will be different.

There’s plenty to catch up on over our time apart and we can do most of that with messages. It does give me time to get on with work and even a little time to indulge in my other small hobby. I only make very simple jewellery, mostly twisting silver to make pendants and forming various chain patterns from jump rings, but I find it’s another creative outlet and very relaxing.

I’m actually quite low on supplies, but I still manage to find time to make something that I think Paul might like.

ME: How was your birthday? Did you have a good time out with the family?

PAUL: Yeah, it was okay I guess. Dinner was good and my sister wasn’t too much of a pain.

ME: Well, that makes a change for her. Did you get anything nice? Good presents?

PAUL: Nothing special, Some money from my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles in England.

ME: Well, I might have a present for you. Something small.

PAUL: I told you I didn’t want anything. I hope you didn’t spend a lot or I’ll be pissed off.

ME: Actually, I didn’t spend anything. I made something. You’ll like it.

ME: It’s given good weather for Sunday. Are you still coming round in the afternoon, to go for a walk?

PAUL: Yes, of course.  Are we going far?

ME: No, but come here first and we’ll go in my car.

PAUL: Only if I can drive.

ME: See you on Sunday

“I thought we’d take a walk in Peel today,” I tell Paul as he arrives early on a Sunday afternoon. “It’s a bit windy still, after the storm yesterday and the waves around the castle and on the coast might make some good photographs.”

“A walk around the castle sounds fine.”

“Well, you’re not getting off that lightly. We might take a wall up to Corrin’s Tower as well.”

“Oh, why are there always hills to climb?”

“Was that a question about where we walk, or a more general one about life?”

“Actually, I think it might be a bit of both. Life does seem to be one big, long hill at the moment.”

“Yeah, Paul. I get it.” I pull him in for a quick kiss which he returns with enthusiasm. “Let’s get out to Peel and then we’ll have plenty of time to talk as we walk.”

“Am I driving?”

“Of course.”

We manage to find a parking spot in the Fenella Beach car park, but it is clearly a very busy, blustery Sunday afternoon. Beneath the shelter of the breakwater, it is apparent that the café is doing a roaring trade and there are virtually crowds walking around the castle.

Still, the sea is as tumultuous as I had hoped that it would be and we join the many others to do a circuit of the castle’s perimeter. The rocky island on the southern edge of Peel was fortified by the Vikings in the 11th century and, although now mostly ruins, the outer wall stands strong.

The views along the high cliffs to the south provide me with the crashing waves and rugged scenery that I was hoping for and I snap away happily as Paul and I walk slowly around the narrow path, mostly in silence.

When we finally emerge from the narrow stone passage at the breakwater, I suggest that we get an ice cream before we tackle the climb up to the folly. Paul is quick to agree and joins the queue to buy them for us. We enjoy our ices as we walk slowly back along the harbourside and over the causeway to the car park.

Here a few steps lift us up on to the footpath that will eventually reach the folly at the summit. The path leads straight up the ascending ridge of Corrin’s Hill for more than a kilometre, eventually reaching a summit at almost two hundred metres.

Paul and I walk slowly, allowing me to stop and turn often to take photographs down towards the castle. The view opens out as we slowly ascend and there are far fewer people here where the breeze is stronger.

“So, Paul, do you want to talk to me about life and climbing hills?”

“I wasn’t venting. I’m sorry if it sounded like I was.”

“No, it’s not a problem. If something is on your mind, then it might be good for you to talk about it.”

“Yes, I know it will. Give me a moment to gather my thoughts.”

We walk on in silence, soon reaching our destination at the very summit of the hill. The views, in all directions are spectacular and I take a few minutes to do a full circuit with the camera while Paul finds himself a seat on one of the curious walls that have been built on the summit. I walk over and sit beside him when he looks up at me and smiles.

“So,” I ask, “why does life seem like an endless hill to you at the moment.”

“I don’t know really. It just seems like I have so much stuff going on in my life and that I’m struggling to keep up. There’s college, work, my family, us. It’s all just a little overwhelming.”

“Okay. Let’s break that down a bit further. Which of those parts of your life is the most difficult? Us?” I ask him.

“Oh fuck, no! Being your boyfriend it the best part, by far the best part. The worst of them is probably family, if I’m being completely honest.”

“You mean your father?”

“Yes. The more he gets involved with this church of his, the more it seems like some sort of weird cult. I know it isn’t really, but, well, it attracts a certain sort of person to the congregation. Calling it conservative would be the understatement of the century.

“He’s started getting involved in all sorts of campaigns now. You know, writing letters to politicians and stuff. About anything the church thinks are sins. You know the kind of thing I mean. Abortion, gender equality, immigration, drugs, drink, homosexuality, almost anything that they see as against the will of God.”

“What is he like at home?”

“Oh, just more distant, more aloof from us and reality. He still goes to work and everything as normal, but then he spends hours on the computer doing research and writing his letters of complaint.

“It’s just that he keeps trying to force his opinions on us, well mostly on me, as Mum and Laura mostly just agree with him. The thing is, I don’t agree with any of it and I just can’t sit in silence.”

“Yes, I understand that. It’s always hard to listen to bigotry and anger, but when you feel that some of it is aimed at you, it’s so much harder.”

“It’s grinding me down and I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“Do you think he suspects that you might be gay?”

“I can’t tell. I’m pretty sure Laura thinks I might be. So far, the hints she’s dropping are mostly just to me alone. I don’t get on with her at all anymore though. She can be so mean to people that I can’t stand her company and she knows it.

“Of course, Dad keeps dropping not very subtle hints about me getting a girlfriend, latching on like a terrier whenever I tell him about any of my friends getting a partner. Thinking about it now, I believe he may be a little suspicious. I’m sure he thinks that, if he tells me how bad being gay is, I’ll just turn out straight because I fear for my immortal soul or some such crap. He’s in so deep now that I can’t really guess how he thinks.”

“Shit. I feel guilty now,” I tell him as we stand to start the long, but easier trek back down the hill to the car. “I seem to have it so easy compared to you.”

“No, Alan, this isn’t your fault.” Paul remains silent for a minute as we walk. “It may be making me a little depressed though. I’m not sleeping as well as I normally do and feel a bit tired all the time.”

“Then it’s good to talk about it, even if it is only with me. I’ve been there, actually I was really bad. I needed medication and therapy to get me out of it. Perhaps you should see your doctor, even if only for a chat.”

“You haven’t spoken about this to me before. You were depressed? When? Why?”

“Well, you need to know all about me, so it’s good to talk about it. I would have brought the subject up at some point, but now is a good time.”

“As long as you don’t mind telling me. I’d like to know.” 

“Well, it was before I started working at the shop. I’d been mostly on the dole for a couple of years, primarily just through my own inertia and the anxiety I suffer from. I started to feel worthless. You know, no work, no money, no future. Those terrible, spiralling, useless thoughts that come so easily.

“I stopped sleeping, felt tired all the time and began to have awful thoughts about harming myself. It all came to a head when I found myself at the end of the breakwater in Ramsey, in the middle of a raging gale. I was standing right at the end, holding the railings. I kept thinking to myself that the water looked so inviting and I could just slip away from it all.”

“Oh my God, Alan. You really wanted to end it all, to kill yourself?”

“No, I don’t think so. That didn’t stop the thoughts though. Some part of me realized that I was losing control and I just rushed home. When I told Mum what had happened, she hauled me off to the crisis team in Douglas, after phoning our doctor for advice.

“I know she suffers from depression as well and she knew that I needed help.”

“She really does care for you, doesn’t she?” Pauls tells me with a smile.

“Yes. I think she and I are very much alike in so many ways. Looks, emotions, even illnesses. I think she saved my life that day, by acting quickly.”

“So, what happened?”

“Well, I got a referral to the psychiatric team and had a few sessions. My doctor prescribed some drugs to help level out my mood swings and they helped a little. Mostly, just the fact that I was aware of my feelings and my mood helped me to start to deal with things better.”

“I’m so glad we talked about this, Alan. I feel I know you better now. It makes me like you even more.”

“Well, whenever you need to talk about your feelings, talk to me. I hope you realize now that I really do understand?” We have made it back to the car and now sit in silence together.

“Alan, are you keeping well now?”

“Yes, mostly. There really isn’t a cure for depression, but I am now pretty good at sensing my state of mind and doing positive things to make it better. I haven’t needed medication for a few years and most of the time I feel pretty good.

“I think I will make an appointment with my doctor and have a chat with her. I haven’t been in ages anyway and should have a bit of a check-up. Actually, I’ve never mentioned my sexuality to her, even though I’ve known I’m gay for a while. Now I’m seeing you, it might be a good time to get it into my records.”

“Well, Paul, this certainly wasn’t the walk and talk I thought we would have today. I’m glad we did it though. I feel that I always need to be honest with you and it’s good to at least get the skeletons out of the closet.”

“Yes, now there’s a little more room in here for just the two of us!” Paul and I both manage a gentle laugh at his joke.