Keeping our relationship secret is hard. I’m lucky that I have my Mum to talk to occasionally, but Paul has no such support. Sometimes it is plain to see that he’s struggling a bit to contain himself, but he really feels that he can’t come out of the closet yet.

I understand his dilemma, I have, after all, met his father. He married a little later in life and has some distinctly Edwardian – if not Victorian – ideas about life and relationships. On top of that, he’s pretty religious and has joined a modern, very conservative, evangelical church. I’d call it a cult, just like Paul accidentally did the other day, but I’m not sure I know enough about it to be that unkind.

Paul’s mum is lovely, but she just goes along with her husband’s opinions in most things. I don’t think she would reject Paul if he came out, but I’m not so sure about his dad.

Then there’s Paul’s sister, Laura. She is a couple of years younger than him, very like him in looks, but the complete opposite in almost every other way. She comes across as the typical moody, opinionated teenager and spends most of her time criticising others.

Paul tolerates her, but they don’t really get on very well, as far as I can tell. She’s always looking for something to use against him, or anyone else for that matter.

It’s almost like she has been cast as the baddie in an American teen drama show or something. She just always wants to be involved in other people’s business. Even though I’ve had very little interaction with her, I don’t trust her at all.

Getting a weird message from Paul on a weekday night wasn’t all that surprising and it wasn’t the first or the last.

PAUL: Bloody Laura was trying to get in to my phone again. Caught her red-handed.

ME: Oh shit. Is it still secure?

PAUL: Yes, I use my fingerprint and I’ve changed the PIN again.

ME: She’s a bloody menace. What’s she up to anyway?

PAUL: I think she suspects I’m seeing someone. She keeps dropping not-very-subtle hints about girlfriends and dating.

ME: Well, she’s wrong about that then!

PAUL: Dad’s lapping it up. He’s started asking if I’m interested in anyone at college as well now.

ME: Bollocks!

ME: What did you say to keep him off your back?

PAUL: I told him I was too busy with work and college. Said I had plenty of time for relationships once I graduated. Seemed to work for now.

ME: I knew I’d found a smart guy!

PAUL: Yeah, but then he had to mutter something about how much more time I’d have if I didn’t spend all my time with you.

ME: I need you to be careful. Stay safe for me?

PAUL: I’ll be fine. It’s just all pissing me off and I’m afraid I’ll go pop one of these days.

ME: Have you thought about what you’re going to do? In the longer term I mean.

PAUL: A little. I need to wait until I’m eighteen. Then I can do whatever I like.

ME: Will you be able to keep it together for almost a whole year longer?

PAUL: Well, I don’t see that I have any choice.

After this conversation with Paul, I make a decision that will, at the very least, make life easier for us at my house. I need to tell my brother.

Alf is three years younger than me, massively strong and equally massively opinionated. He sounds stereotypically homophobic, but I’m sure that at least some of it is for show with is equally outspoken group of friends. Working as a builder is as much a life choice as an occupation and joining in with the building site banter is just normal routine.

He's resolutely single, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t without experience with more than one female acquaintance. I’m not totally confident in my decision, but I need to clear the path to my being comfortable with myself and with my relationship with Paul.

I catch him at the next clear opportunity, as he’s passing my open office door on the way back from a shower.

“Hey, Alf, can I have a quick word?”

“Sure, Alan, what’s on your mind?” He steps in to the office and takes the spare seat.

“Actually, I want to have a quick word with you about Paul.”

“Oh, your new young friend. He seems like a nice enough lad. A bit soft, but he’s not a bad sort. You’re spending a lot of time with him.”

“Well, the thing is… Fuck, this is harder than I thought.” I pause and take a deep breath. “Oh, shit! Well, the thing is, Paul’s my boyfriend!”

“Okay, somehow, I’m not surprised. I always thought you might be gay!”

“Oh bollocks. I’ve been so scared to tell you. You always sound so, well frankly, homophobic; you know calling people out on the telly and stuff.”

“Oh, do I have to stop all that now?”

“Not really, I don’t think you could anyway.” I smile at him and he nods back. “Please just don’t say stuff about me and Paul?”

“Of course. Just not too much kissing and stuff in front of me then. How did you manage to hook someone so young and, well, cute?”

“Honestly, bro, I have no idea. I just got lucky after all this time, I guess. Oh, just one more thing. Paul’s not out, not openly gay. As far as anybody else is concerned, he’s straight, just too busy to have a girlfriend. No-one knows but you, me, Mum and Dad.”

“And what about you? Are you coming out or whatever you call it?”

“Honestly, Alf, I don’t know. I’m not against the idea any more. This is actually coming out, family first. There doesn’t have to be one big rainbow-filled announcement, gay people basically have to keep coming out all their lives.

“I do feel more comfortable being honest, but I want to protect Paul until he’s ready. Actually, he’s afraid his dad is going to be a religious dick!”

“No problem. We’re cool. I’ll get such a ribbing at work when you eventually do come out though.” Alf gets up and heads towards the top of the stairs. “You coming down to watch some television with the parents.”

“Yes, I’ll just finish this quick job on the computer and I’ll be right down. Thanks for hearing me out.”

“Hey, you’re my brother. Nothing changes that!”

ME: Hey, I told Alf tonight!

PAUL: Told him what, exactly?

ME: That you are my boyfriend and that I’m gay.

PAUL: Oh Fuck, how did it go. You’re still breathing, so I’m guessing it can’t have been too bad, lol.

ME: It was ridiculously easy. He has apparently suspected I was gay for years.

PAUL: So, you told him about us?

ME: Yes. he called you cute!

PAUL: He said what now! He told you I was cute?

ME: He wondered how I’d scored such a young and cute boyfriend. Told him I had no idea.

PAUL: So, your super-straight brother thinks I’m cute and he’s comfortable with you being gay?

ME: Yep! Just no kissing in front of him!

PAUL: Satan must be putting his ice skates on right now, lol

ME: Anyway, how was your day. Was work okay. I didn’t see you around as I was doing deliveries all day.

PAUL: Yeah, it was fine. Just the usual stuff. I’ve gone to bed early. Dad was spouting religious crap at the television again. It was a gay couple in a soap or something. They were kissing. Nothing too sexy, just a normal kiss between a normal, but gay, couple. He went ballistic.

ME: Are you okay?

PAUL: Yes, I just don’t want or need to listen to his bullshit. If he doesn’t like the show, he just shouldn’t watch. I just muttered something about being tired and escaped.

ME: Well, you should probably get an early night. Will I see you at the weekend?

PAUL: Yes, I’ll be around on Saturday, around tea-time?

ME: Yes, that will be nice. Now go to sleep. No wanking, I want it all!

PAUL: You’re too late!

ME: Goodnight. ILY

PAUL: I love you more. Goodnight.

Sometimes there are problems that you just can’t fix and Paul’s dad appears to be one of them. I’m really falling for Paul and I want not just to be happy with him, but for him to be happy about himself. It just sometimes seems to be such a struggle. I already worry about the gap in our ages and just don’t need any more drama.

Selfishly, I also want to spend as much time as possible with him. We can’t just go out on a date, clearly that’d be far too much exposure, but I wish we could. There are only so many excuses that can be made when it comes to us spending time together and we already feel we are running out of new wrinkles, after only a few weeks together.

Paul can keep telling his parents he is here for college work, and we are actually doing some. However, it only takes about an hour a week at best and I’m sure we’re ahead of where he needs to be. I know I’ve read all his textbooks and don’t have a problem with it.

As December 2004 approaches, I contemplate my 38th birthday in a different light to previous ones. Now, even though I was resigned to it never being the case, I have someone to share the celebrations with and actually do feel like celebrating.

It all sounds very simple, a nice family meal out, something we don’t do very often. I want Paul to come and share the evening with us, but I’m not sure how we’ll make that happen.

Some time for a little planning between the two of us is called for and I finally get the chance to talk to him about it with only a week to go until my birthday weekend. We’ve just had what was supposed to be a quiet evening doing some college work, but have ended up cuddling on the sofa after Paul has very thoroughly fucked me into a daze. He’s not had too much practice yet, but he seems to be getting the hang of things to my complete satisfaction.

“You know it’s my birthday next weekend?” I ask him as we lie together.

“Yes, I’ve already got you a present.”

“I thought we didn’t do gifts! Do you think you can manage to come out for dinner with us?”

“I don’t see why not. It’s just a birthday meal. I’ve been to birthday parties with work colleagues and no-one has said anything.”

“By no-one, you mean your dad?”

“Yes, he can be just fine sometimes. He even let me stay with Simon, you know him, from the office. I crashed at his house when we went to his fortieth. I’d told him I might have a drink and wouldn’t want to drive. Simon is married though.”

“Oh! Do you think you’d be allowed to stay over here? We do have a spare room.”

“I’m not sleeping in a spare room!”

“Stop, stop! I never said you would. I just pointed out we have a spare room and platonic friends can stay here.”

“I’ll ask tomorrow and let you know. I should be able to at least come to the restaurant, but we’ll see.”