The summer is long and warmer than usual, with very little rain and nights when it is too hot to sleep. Paul and I reluctantly slip back into our pre-vacation routines and personas. He has no college, but more to do at work to compensate and we can only get the usual weekend time to be together.

We walk in the hills and glens as before, keeping our outdoor pursuits mostly clean, and spend hours watching movies or making love at my place. I’m fine with being back to the old routine, but Paul is finding it hard to readjust and it’s making him snappy, even with me.

“I can’t take much more of this,” he tells me after a we’ve had a nasty, but brief argument over nothing. “I’m sorry for taking it out on you, but I miss how it was in Scotland.” He pulls me in to a cuddle, close to tears.

“I know, my love. I know it hurts.” I’m almost crying too, hating to see him so distraught. “You’re being so strong, despite what your dad’s like. I couldn’t do it, but I know there’s nothing we can change right now.”

“I don’t want to hurt you though. It really is getting me down. I know we’ve talked about your depression, but now I think I’m getting a taste of what it’s like. I’m so glad I have you, I’d lose my mind if I was dealing with this on my own.”

“I just don’t want to see you in pain like this. There are just three months until you turn eighteen. You can make it work until then if you’re able to stay strong.” I kiss him lightly on the forehead. “Whatever happens and whatever you do, I’ll still be here for you. This is your safe place, you know that.”

“I hope I can keep it together. I don’t know what things will be like when we can be ourselves, but I’m sure that, whatever happens, it will be so much better than this. I love you.”

“I love you too. You’ve got this! Talk to me when you need to, message me all the time. Scream at me, shout at me, just be strong.”

“Make love to me?”

“Always.”

Just a week after Paul returns to his college course, I get a sudden message from him, early on a Wednesday evening.

PAUL: Are you home from work yet?

ME: Only just. Why?

PAUL: I’ll be there in a minute!

ME: Paul, what’s going on?

PAUL: I’ll tell you when I get there.

Paul crashes up the stairs and into the office, bursting into tears as I stand quickly and he falls into my arms. “Oh Alan, I love you,” he sobs.

I hold him tight until he stops sobbing, tears also streaming down my face, even though I have no idea what we’re crying about. He holds on to me for many minutes and I just don’t know what to do apart from rub his back gently as he slowly calms himself.

Eventually he looks me in the eye, wipes his face and takes a seat. “Please, Paul, tell me what’s going on?” I ask him, wiping my own cheeks.

“That total bitch Laura just outed me to my parents.”

“What? How? Why?” I stutter as I stumble back into my chair.

“Why? Well basically because she’s a selfish, self-centred, spoilt bitch. She hates everybody and loves to make drama.

“How? Well, I must have somehow left my phone unlocked and she’s always snooping round. She read some of our messages.”

“Oh,” I mutter. “I always knew some of our messages were a mistake!”

“Well, that horse has bolted now. She couldn’t resist telling the family about my sexy messages. Any excuse to embarrass me. Everyone just thought it was funny. Dad even winked and asked who she was. Then Laura did it. She told them the messages were between me and you!”

“Oh Paul, I know she’s your family, but she’s an evil bitch!”

“Yeah, I know that now, better than anyone.” He sits quiet for a minute or two, gathering his thoughts. “Mum didn’t say anything, but Dad went ballistic. He told me I was a sinner and I’d burn in hell. He said I could get treatment, get cured somehow, and I could still find redemption.”

“Wow! Just WOW! He really is a piece of work. How can anyone be like that in this day and age?”

“I told you I’d snap one day and today is finally that day. I told him everything, throwing it back in his face. I told him I loved you, that I’d loved you for years, since the first time I saw you. I told him I would never change and that I enjoyed fucking you and being fucked by you. I thought he was going to have a heart attack or hit me or something. I never normally swear in front of my parents, but tonight I used all the words. I think they were shocked senseless.”

“You really said all that? I’m so proud of you.” I reach across the gap between us and take his balled-up fists in my hands, rubbing the back of them with my thumbs.

“Dad told me to get out of his house. He muttered something about not having Satan-cursed deviants under his roof or some such religious crap.

“I straight-up told him to ‘Fuck Off!’, right to his face. I told him I was leaving and I wouldn’t ever be coming back. I ran to my room and grabbed my laptop and a bag with a few clothes and just walked out in silence. Nobody tried to stop me.” He drops once more into silent contemplation, struggling to absorb the enormity of his predicament.

I’ve no idea what to do, but we need a little breathing room until we have time to think things through. Whatever we need to do, we are going to do it together.

“Okay Paul. Everything will be fine. We just need a bit of time to calm down and figure things out. Go and get your stuff from the car. You’re staying here for as long as you need to. If you need extra clothes, some of my stuff or maybe Alf’s will fit.

“I’m going to tell the family what’s happened and then you are going to get a shower and relax. I love you and no-one’s going to hurt you.”

By the time Mum and I have managed to get Paul cleaned up and comfortable, had something to eat and calmed down it is almost nine. Paul looks exhausted, but insists that we sit on the couch in our room and cuddle for a while, arguing that he’s too strung-out to sleep yet.

I hear the doorbell ring and Alf going to answer it. “Alan, it’s for you,” he calls up the stairs. I check that I’m decent and head down to the door to find Lilian, Paul’s mother standing in the rain.

“What do you want, Lilian?” I ask, unable to keep the anger and bitterness out of my voice.

“Please, Alan, can I speak to Paul? He is here, isn’t he? His car is outside.”

“Yes, he’s here. Wait and I’ll ask him if he wants to talk to you. I can’t answer for him. Sorry, please step in out of the rain. Here, have a seat in the kitchen?”

“Thank you.”

I climb back up the stairs and poke my head around the door. “Paul, your mother is here. Do you want to talk to her?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“Well, she has come this far. It really is up to you, but perhaps you should hear what she has to say?”

“Okay, yes. Stay with me though.”

“Of course. I’m never going anywhere.”

Lilian looks at me pointedly when we both take a seat opposite her at the kitchen table, but Paul notices it too. “Mother, Alan stays,” he says simply.

We sit in silence for a few moments, but Paul is starting to fidget. “What do you want, Mother?”

“I want you to come home and sort this out. We can make things better and go back to normal.”

Paul grabs my hand tightly under the table. “No, actually, we can’t fix this. I can’t be fixed because I’m not broken. Dad’s the one that’s broken. His God has driven him insane!”

“Paul, that’s not what I meant. I mean we can go back to being a family again. Just come home.”

“No, I don’t think Dad would agree to that on anything other than his outrageous terms and I can’t accept any of those anymore.

“I can’t put up with any more of his religious bullshit. He talks so much weird nonsense all the time and it’s making me mentally ill. I’m tired of hating myself because of his words.

“And, as for Laura, she’s an evil, sad and pathetic bitch. There’s no way I could even be in the same room as her after what she did today. Nobody should ever be forced out of the closet. Nobody. Not ever.”

“Paul, I’m your mother. I still love you, no matter what your life choices.”

“Yes, but that’s the problem. You think this is a choice, that’s Dad speaking. You believe I just decided to be gay, when it is so much simpler than that. It is just who I am. There is no choice, just the truth of who I am. I do know you love me, but I’ve told you. You can’t fix me and you can’t fix this.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Paul.”

“No, and I don’t want to lose you. You’re my Mum and I love you. But there’s no way I’m coming home. We can keep in touch, but right now, I’m pretty certain that I’ll never speak to Dad or Laura ever again.

“I don’t think there’s anything more to be said. Alan’s my family now. I really do love him.”

Lilian sighs and turns to me, looking me in the eye for the first time tonight. “You will look after my son, won’t you?”

“Yes, Lilian, as I always have. I love him and I will take good care of him. We will keep in touch with you, if you want us to, but I respect his decision regarding the rest of your family. If he’s done with them, then so am I. If I had my way, I’d be reporting your husband to social services for throwing his son out onto the streets, but frankly, he’s not worth the paperwork.”

I can see her struggling to hold back the tears that she wants to shed for her son and my heart softens a little towards her. “Lives can change, Lilian,” I tell her softly. “Nothing about our life is pre-ordained or set in stone. We all have to make our own decisions.”

“Paul, I have some more of your things in the car. Do you want to get them before I go?”

“Yes, Mum. I’ll see you out.”

As we crawl into bed, our bed, later that evening, Paul lets out a very deep sigh before falling on to his back.

“Are you okay, my love?” I ask him quietly.

“Yes, I think I’m going to be fine. It’s just been a very long and difficult day.”

“Now, that I can agree with.”

“This has all happened sooner than I expected, but it’s done now. I hate to describe it as such, but perhaps this really is a blessing in disguise. We can both come out now, together, if you’re ready?”

“Oh yes, I’m ready. I love you and I want the world to know. If anyone doesn’t like it, then fuck them!”

“Woah. No need to be so militant. You’re sounding like some gay avenger.”

“Sorry. It’s just that we, well mostly you, have taken enough shit today to last a lifetime. I did mean what I said to your mum. I’ll take care of you for as long as you’ll put up with me. I just hope that it’s for a very long time.”

“It will be. I can’t imagine a life without you now.”

“Okay, too mushy for such a trying day. Try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a whole new world!”