Tim wasn’t sure at exactly what point his life had decided to start falling apart, but he was impressed with how quickly it had all gone to hell. Honestly, it was a thing of beauty. 

Maybe if he weren’t caught in the middle of a proverbial shitstorm, Tim could have sat back to admire the splendor of it all. As it was, he was almost certain he’d end up with a freakin’ ulcer with the way things were going. When Tim looked around at all the other henchmen gathered in the lounge, he wasn’t surprised to see some of his own disbelief mirrored on their faces. They still looked relatively calm though, so Tim figured he was the one closest to a nervous breakdown. Good to know. 

Tim would still blame Penny if he ended up going mad.

It had all started, like always, with another of Penny’s brilliant ideas. Apparently, what would really give them an edge in the upcoming jamboree would be some fresh recruits. With that in mind, they’d taken to the streets to lure young, unsuspecting people to join their ranks. Tim hadn’t gone along because he was smart enough to make an excuse—he had a stomach ache. Once again, Tim had to thank Penny’s soft heartedness when it came to her henchmen because that excuse hadn’t worked for him since he was back in elementary school. 

And so, he’d watched from the couch as the others filed out with containers full of cookies and stacks of flyers. Penny wasn’t very good at subtle marketing. Still, it worked well enough with the rest of them so Tim didn’t complain. 

Apparently, it had worked a little too well because now they had a small group of eager new recruits standing before them. They were all young, wide eyed and—Tim reluctantly admitted—kinda adorable in the same way a shivery chihuahua could be called the same. Tim desperately tried to signal to them that they should run away while they could. He probably just ended up looking particularly deranged though, because a couple of them looked alarmed and then completely avoided looking his way. 

You fools! I tried to warn you, Tim thought a bit melodramatically if he were to be completely honest. 

Still, Tim could have dealt with just having some newbies around. It even had the potential to be fun given the sadistic nature of most of the people in the building and their love for pranks. 

What Tim couldn’t deal with—and what he hadn’t been expecting—was to end up saddled with a wide eyed little runt to instruct in their evil ways. But he’d ended up drawing the short end of the stick. Literally. 

They’d used popsicle sticks to decide who’d get stuck as a mentor. 

As Tim was starting to suspect, it really wasn’t his year, because he was handed the most eager little newbie he’d ever seen and it was painfully obvious Tim would have his hands full. If he listened carefully, he could almost hear God laughing at him along with Lina. 

“What’s your name kid?” he asked, because he couldn’t really keep calling him newbie. Well he could, but Tim didn’t feel like abusing his power that day.

“Tommy,” answered the eager little guy, all big eyes and mousy brown hair. Tim almost felt like he’d been given a puppy. Now he just had to make that puppy evil. Seemed easy enough.

“Heh, Tommy?” Tim turned and wasn’t surprised to find Lina, Benny, Alex, Sam, and Vic watching the meeting between Tim and his new student. Benny looked particularly amused for some reason. “Timmy and Tommy, what a team,” he said.

“I will punch you in the throat,” Tim threatened flatly. It was his go to threat when dealing with Benny and one he hadn’t carried out as of yet. 

That was probably why Benny just snickered and generally acted like he couldn’t give less of a fuck about Tim’s threats. Still, at least he wasn’t making stupid jokes anymore. Tim took that as his chance to leave before his so-called friends started with the jokes. He still heard them laughing as he dragged his unexpected student away.

As it turned out, being evil didn’t come easily to everyone. Tim really should have known this already because Penny. But Tim was stupid so he figured he could be forgiven for forgetting that much. Luckily for Tim, Tommy was there to remind him just how useless a person could be when it came to villainy.

And what a reminder that was. 

Tim almost facepalmed as he watched from the shadows as Tommy helped an old lady cross the road. An old lady he was supposed to be robbing—an old lady who was actually Lina in disguise because sometimes, training wheels were necessary. And sure, that sounded heartless, but Tim figured if Tommy tried anything harder than that he’d either get killed or arrested. And it wasn’t like Tim expected Tommy to succeed.

It was still shameful to watch. 

But at least Tommy knew that much, if the way he trudged over to Tim was any indication. He looked downright dejected as he looked up at his mentor. Idly, he wondered if he’d been like that when he first got into the business. Then he remembered that no, he’d always been a jerk. 

Tim sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose at the first hints of an oncoming headache. 

“Okay, first lesson: you don’t help old ladies cross the road.” Honestly, Tim thought he shouldn’t have even needed to say that. 

“I’m sorry,” Tommy started, shuffling his feet. “It’s just, she reminded me of my granny.”

It took a fair amount of effort for Tim to not facepalm. Tim thought it was an admirable feat. Still, it must have been obvious that Tim wanted to facepalm, because Tommy looked even more guilty. Tim was just amazed that was possible. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll try harder next time.” Tim doubted it.

“I’m sure you will,” Tim lied. “For now, you can start by not apologizing so much. We’re villains. We don’t apologize. Ever.” Unless it was to appease Lina’s fury or to keep Penny from crying, but that lesson would come later. Tommy nodded eagerly. Tim knew he had his work cut out for him. 

Across the street, Lina smacked a guy with her walking stick, took his phone, and ran. 

All in all, their little excursion to try to make Tommy evil didn’t go over too well. They still stopped for some ice cream on the way back to the lair because they’d all had a tough day and Lina mentioned some crap about positive reinforcement. Tim didn’t buy it, but ice cream was ice cream and failure made Tim hungry. 

“You know, he’s not that bad. Definitely has potential,” Lina said as she finished her ice cream, watching Tommy trudge back to his room. 

“Oh yeah, he’s real evil mastermind material,” Tim said. The amount of dry sarcasm he could pack into a sentence sometimes surprised even him. 

“He could be. Maybe. With time.” It was clear that not even Lina believed that.

“You keep telling yourself that.” Tim wondered if the other recruits were any better. Granted, if they were even half as bad as Tommy, they were screwed. 

Under different circumstances, Tim probably would have been more concerned about the future of their villainous group. As it was, he had other things to worry about. For example, Penny’s date was coming up and Tim hadn’t finished his escape plan for when shit inevitably hit the fan. 

“Hey, have you heard anything else about Penny’s date?” he asked Lina, hoping Penny had canceled or Sparrow had gotten run over by a titanium bus. He slumped down onto the couch while Lina sat on an old armchair, still wearing her old lady disguise. Oddly, she reminded Tim of his grandma.

“Sure I have,” Lina said. “You keep telling me how we’re all gonna die after it goes wrong.” Tim glared, but Lina didn’t look like she even noticed. 

“Well excuse me for not wanting to die a horrible death after Penny’s date finds out she’s evil.”

“First off, Penny’s not evil. She wants to be evil but is about as bad as a grumpy bunny.” Okay, fair. Lina was still missing Tim’s point. “And we’re not going to die. There’s no reason for Penny’s date to even find out she’s a villain. Hell, she might not even be Sparrow. You might just be delusional. You have been getting hit in the head an awful lot lately.”

“We all get hit in the head all the time, but that doesn’t mean we’re crazy.”

“No, we’re just naturally crazy,” Lina said with a roll of her eyes. 

“Exactly!” Tim didn’t have time to deal with Lina’s sarcasm. “But my point is, we really need to do something about Penny’s date. And I’m not saying that just out of my own selfish sense of self preservation.” Lina’s brow rose while her mouth twisted into a small smirk. 

“Of course you aren’t,” she said. “But just out of curiosity, what do you think we should do? Because honestly, it’s a date. You weren’t this stressed out about your first heist.”

“That’s because I was young and innocent.” 

“You were never innocent.” 

“And I don’t really have a plan, but considering you’ll be as dead as me if things go to shit, I’m hoping you’ll have some suggestions.” Tim decided it was best to ignore Lina’s snide comments for the sake of not killing his only real ally. 

“I’ve got nothing.” If nothing else, at least Lina was honest. Not helpful at all, but honest. Lina let out a sigh that let Tim know she was done with his—completely understandable—paranoia. “Fine, if it’ll make you feel better, we can keep an eye on Penny during her date.”

“You mean stalk them?”

“Yep. Plus, we can make sure Penny has a good time and if she doesn’t we can add someone else to the To Maim list.”

Tim liked that idea, but he wasn’t sure about following Penny and her freakishly strong date around. After all, if he was able to recognize Sparrow without her mask, then chances were she’d recognize him too. 

Maybe God decided to stop messing with them for one day. Maybe he decided to fuck around with Tommy for a change. Whatever the case, it was at that moment that Tommy walked in with a tray of burnt cookies. 

“Penny said to pass these out,” he said. Then he froze. Probably because both Tim and Lina were staring at him with what could only be described as utterly conniving looks. If Tommy hadn’t just met them, he might have made a break for it, thereby preserving both his health and sanity.

But Tommy didn’t know them. And so, instead of running away, the poor newbie henchman stood there with a tray of burnt cookies and a look of absolute confusion.

Tommy was screwed.