In some deep, dark, withering part of his soul, Tim felt sorry for Tommy. But the feeling was a minor inconvenience—like a fly bumping into an elephant—so it was quickly dismissed in favor of focusing on more important things. Things like getting Tommy’s clown makeup just right. 

“Again, why do I have to be a clown?” Tommy asked, looking like he was regretting every single one of the life choices that led him to that moment. Tim could relate. 

“Because no one ever suspects a clown,” Lina piped in, finishing the last touches on the bright blue wig she’d placed on Tommy’s head. 

“I thought everyone suspected clowns,” Tim wondered aloud, only to receive a glare from Lina. 

“But why do I have to be the clown? Why not one of you?” 

“We have seniority.” Tim would forever be amazed at the bullshit Lina could pull out when necessary. “Besides, Penny knows us too well. She’d recognize us in a second.” 

That was closer to the truth, but honestly, they were just too lazy and still had enough of their dignity left to refuse to dress up. Besides, Tommy was a conveniently pliable little minion who had to commit to their every demand. Sometimes, Tim could really understand why villains all had lackeys. 

He stuck on a bright red nose to Tommy’s face and stepped back along with Lina to admire their handiwork. 

“Well, he’s not nightmare inducing, so I think we did pretty well,” Lina said.

“And isn’t that the best any clown can hope for?” Lina nodded at that, Tommy still looked like he wanted to cry. As was quickly becoming a habit, his misery went ignored. 

“Right, so here’s the plan,”Lina began without so much as a pitying glance Tommy’s way. “According to our intel—”

“You mean Penny gushing about her plans?” 

“Penny and her date will meet at the park and then go get some lunch,” Lina said, ignoring Tim. “The cafe is in the park within view of where Tommy will be stationed. Tommy, you just keep playing the part of a clown.”

“Um, how do I do that?” Tommy asked, his hand rising as if he were a nervous child trying to ask a question in class. 

“I don’t know, just do clown stuff. Juggle, make balloon animals, terrify small children.”

Tim didn’t think that was an accurate description of what a clown should be, but he supposed it was close enough. Even if Tommy looked more uncertain about his role in their scheme. 

“But I don’t know how to juggle,” Tommy said, brow furrowing and lips twisting into a frown that made him look like a bad painting of a sad clown. 

“Then improvise.”

Tim suddenly had a series of flashbacks to all the times Lina had told him to improvise the most ridiculous things. Like being a superhero, for example. He couldn’t say he didn’t sympathize with Tommy.

He would still enjoy seeing his poor attempts at staying in character, but still, he felt for the poor guy. Just not enough to take his place.

“Anyway, you just have to keep an eye on them. If anything weird happens, honk your nose once. When they leave, honk your nose twice. Got it?” Tommy nodded while Tim wondered how the path of villainy had led him to taking the honking of a clown’s nose as a cue. “And stop sweating so much. Your makeup is getting runny.”

“I sweat when I’m nervous.”

Of course he does, Tim thought.

“Well then don’t be nervous.”

Tim doubted it was that easy for Tommy. He also doubted their whole plan. Still, it was a simple plan, and Tim liked simple plans. They tended to reduce the chances of him dying. 

Granted, this time they were plotting against a superpowered woman who could crush them with a worrying amount of ease. Tim tried not to think about that too much as he followed Lina to their hiding place of choice—a shady spot under a tree next to a guy selling ice cream. They enjoyed a rare moment of peace as they watched the occasional passerby and waited for Tommy to report back to them. 

“When you became a lackey, did you ever think this is what you’d end up doing with your life?” Tim asked, pausing from enjoying his ice cream. He briefly contemplated stealing a whole tub of the stuff. He was positive he could get away with it, after all, he had Lina as backup and there weren’t too many people around.

“You mean using my numerous skills of villainy to spy on my boss’ love life?” Tim nodded. “Can’t say I saw it coming, but hey, at least we keep things interesting.”

“That’s not the word I would use, but sure.” 

“Aw, you’re no fun,” Lina said with a sigh. “Is this why you’re heartlessly abandoning us?”

Tim couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that. He hardly thought leaving the life of a henchman was heartless. At least he was getting used to everyone’s attempts to guilt him into staying with them. 

“I wouldn’t call it abandoning. It’s more like, leaving for the sake of my sanity and overall health.” Lina didn’t look impressed.

She probably would have argued that point—or smacked Tim upside the head—but was interrupted by a distinctly clownlike honking sound. Maybe because Tim wanted to believe that things would go well for once, he expected to hear a second honk. Of course, the world hated Tim so the sound never came. Instead, he gazed sadly down at his half finished ice cream before getting ready to follow Lina into whatever mess their simple plan had become.

Even with all the horrible possibilities that occurred to Tim every time their schemes went awry, he was still surprised at how badly things turned out. He blamed their shitty karma. Honestly, they should have known Penny going on a date and trying to be normal would end badly. 

So, of course the cafe would get robbed the day Penny was there on a date. Of fucking course. 

The cafe was a nice little place that had been built to look like a welcoming little cabin. It was warm and cheery and just the right brand of sickeningly cute that Penny delighted in. Tommy was lurking just far enough to not be seen even in his painfully bright clown suit. The bushes he was hiding behind probably helped. Tim and Lina joined him in his hiding spot. 

“What’s going on?” Lina asked, trying to get a good look at the inside of the shop. Fortunately, the shop had plenty of windows, giving them a clear look despite the bushes they were hiding in getting in the way.

“There’s a guy robbing the place,” Tommy said, brow furrowed and clown makeup ruined by his nervous sweating. Tim lamented all his wasted effort on the look for a second, before he realized it really wasn’t the right time for that. 

“Well, maybe this is a good thing,” Lina said, a smile curling her lips. It looked distinctly evil to Tim. 

“How is the place getting robbed a good thing?” he asked. 

“Oh think about it, Timmy. What better way to find out if your paranoia is justified than for a robber to threaten Penny’s safety. I mean, if that is Sparrow then she’ll definitely do something. Unless she’s a shitty date,” Lina said, adding the last part with a thoughtful look on her face. 

“But what if it’s not Sparrow?” Tommy asked.

“Then we’re screwed.”

“Penny can handle herself,” Lina said, glaring at Tim. Still, he noticed that there was a very clear note of uncertainty in her voice. “And I’m sure either her or her date will do something soon.”

With that, they went back to watching as the robber shoved the girl at the counter, most likely demanding money, while keeping an eye on everyone else inside. He was clearly armed, though Tim couldn’t see with what. 

“Maybe we should call the cops,” Tommy said quietly, as if the robber could hear them from thirty feet away. 

“We’re villains, we don’t call the cops,” Lina said in a harsh whisper. 

“Why are we whispering?” Tim thought it was a valid question, but was promptly shushed. 

The girl at the counter clumsily filled a bag with money, but dropped it—most likely thanks to shaking hands. From what Tim could see, the robber was losing his patience.

“Yep, any minute now,” Lina said. Tim noted she was biting her lip, looking more uncertain with every passing second. 

The robber was walking around, threatening people and apparently demanding that they hand over their money. Penny and her date were only a couple tables away. 

“Okay, maybe we should do something.” Both Tim and Tommy shot Lina incredulous looks. “Tim, you got anything to help?” 

“Why me?” 

“Because you always steal shit from the supply closet!” Tim huffed indignantly before pulling out some smoke bombs from his pocket. “Okay, you give us some cover then get inside, I’ll go ‘round the back. Tommy, you make sure he doesn’t get away from the front.”

Not wasting time questioning a very questionable plan, they all hurried to do their part in it. Lina snuck to the back, disappearing from sight as she rounded the corner. In the meantime, Tim carefully made his way closer to the cafe, keeping low to avoid being seen. He made it to the door and carefully opened it just enough to roll a couple of smoke bombs through the open door. 

A moment later, there were startled yells and the clattering sound of chairs and tables being knocked aside. Tim rushed in while people tried to rush out, inevitably tripping and falling on his face. Idly, he thought of how shitty the plan had been because how the hell were they supposed to see what they were doing. 

Note to self; don’t let Lina plan shit, Tim thought as someone came horribly close to stepping on his face. 

Just when he was resigning himself to not getting beat up by a crappy, third-rate robber, there was a loud scream followed by the sound of someone hitting the floor. The first thing Tim thought was that Sparrow had taken advantage of the cover to act. There was, of course, the possibility that either Penny or Lina had done so instead, but Tim wasn’t going to fool himself. 

As the smoke cleared, Tim realized what had actually happened, and nearly laughed. 

Standing just outside the open door was Tommy, face looking like a melting painting of some nightmare clown. In front of Tommy lay the robber, unconscious and with a terrified expression on his face. Before Tim could fully appreciate the scene in front of him, Lina grabbed him and pulled him out of the building. 

The next day, Tim finally got to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing when he saw the newspaper. 

Hero Clown Scares Off Robber, read the headline of page three. Below the large print was a picture of Tommy, face fixed in a startled expression that was clear even through the runny clown makeup. 

“Guess it’s a good thing that third-rate crook was scared of clowns,” Lina said, leaning over the couch to look at the paper. 

Tim took a moment to remind himself that he really needed to get a normal life.