The silence between Thomas and I lasted for hours, just the sound of the snow falling filling the house as I held him, savoring his warmth, the gentle caresses on my hands and arm. After being with Casey for years, this was surprisingly the first time I had cuddled with someone and I could have kicked myself for missing out on it.
But is it the affection I wanted?
Or Tommy?
It’s Tommy.
“Tommy?” I whispered.
“Hm?”
“Are you still awake?”
“Obviously.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you.”
“Sparrow,” he gasped, rolling quickly to look at me, “you… can’t mean that… you’ve never once been interested in me. You always say we’re just friends. That we’ll only ever be friends.”
“I know… I… was just scared. I know you’ll go back to Indiana at some point. That we might… not see each other as soon as you graduate. But I… I don’t want to lose our friendship or… you’re the only person I’ve been this close to. I like it. I like it a lot.”
“Aero…”
“I trust you, Thomas. More than I’m willing to admit. We don’t have to date. We don’t have to pretend this ever happened. But… but I want to…”
Thomas leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine and I gasped gently, “okay.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I think about it a lot. I know you do too,” he ran his hand up my arm, “are you… a uh…”
“I’m a virgin… yes.”
“Okay. I’ll be gentle then.”
“Wait… wait are you?”
“No,” he laughed softly, “I’ve only done it a few times. But I’ve been with one man, one nonbinary person, and one woman. So I know what to do and I promise to take care of you. Just trust me. Are you sure… that you want me to be your first?”
“Yes,” I whispered, “I trust you.”
“Am I allowed in the front or do you only want it in the back?” He softly rubbed my hip, making me shiver.
“F… front is fine. I’m sensitive there.”
“Can I touch your chest?”
“Yes,” I whispered, my focus fully on his touch as his hand slid up the front of my shirt.
“Okay,” he kissed me again and I whimpered gently, gripping his arm, “god,” he broke away, “you taste better than I’d hoped,” he pulled me back to him, kissing me roughly and I groaned, wrapping my hands in his hair.
Thomas pushed me onto my back, settling between my thighs and I jumped when I felt him pressed against me. He laughed softly against my lips and made his way to my neck, kissing and nipping.
“Don’t leave evidence,” I panted.
“I won’t. I’ll leave marks where only we can see,” he whispered against my neck, sending goosebumps across my skin, “oh you love this.”
“Shut… shut up.”
Thomas pulled me until I was sitting up and he began to lift my shirt off, leaving me with just my binding tape, “can I take this off?”
“Okay,” I chewed my lip, letting out a hiss as the pressure was released.
“You have it on too tight, baby,” he whispered against my shoulder, “you don’t need it so tight. You’ll hurt yourself.”
“I was in a… oh fuck,” I dug my fingers into his back when he began to massage my chest, “fuck.”
Thomas continued to press soft kisses to my shoulders as he rubbed my chest before pushing me flat again and leaning down to kiss where he had been touching, his tongue making small circles as he went. I could feel his hand on my stomach and he stopped just below my navel.
“Why did you stop?” I whimpered.
“I just want to make sure I have consent.”
“You do.”
His hand suddenly slipped under the band of my pajama pants and he began to tease me from the outside of my underwear.
“Oh…” I spread my legs further apart and he smiled, kissing me deeply as he pushed my underwear to the side, now fully touching me as I shook underneath him, “do you want me to…”
“I don’t want you to do anything. Just focus on my touch. I’ve been thinking about this for months,” he kissed me deep enough to steal my breath away as he pushed one finger in, making me cry out, “sorry. I am so sorry.”
“It doesn’t hurt. I play with myself a lot. It feels so… fucking good,” strained moans started escaping me and Thomas bit my bottom lip as another slipped in, his thumb rubbing my sensitive spot in a constant circle, “I… I’m gonna,” I panted into his mouth.
“Good boy,” he licked my lip gently, “such a good boy. Go ahead.”
A scream ripped from my chest and Thomas panted softly, never slowing his hand as he helped me to ride out, “too much… too much.”
“Okay,” he slowed down, leaving his fingers where they were and I kissed him hungrily, chasing after him as he pulled away, “can I… taste you?”
“T… taste me?”
“Down here,” he hooked his fingers and I shivered.
“Yes.”
“Oh thank God,” Thomas groaned, pulling my pants and underwear off quickly.
“Wait… you… you too…”
“I’m gonna get cold,” he laughed, teasing me with his thumb, “but… if you don’t mind not seeing me while I do it, I can stay under the blanket.”
“Okay.”
Thomas undressed quickly and I softly touched his stomach, his muscles tight under my hand. I slowly moved down, taking him into my hand, and gasped. Thomas was thick, surprisingly so, and steadily leaking into my palm.
“Sorry,” he whispered, “I’m excited.”
“Me too.”
He kissed down my body in a hurry before there was a sudden flick against my slit and I wrapped my hand into his hair, my legs now on his shoulders.
“Tom… Tom…” I panted, “fuck baby… don’t stop…”
“I won’t,” his voice was muffled before he poked his head back out, “can… when we get back to California can we keep doing this? It’ll be our secret until you’re ready to actually date me.”
“But you’re going to Indiana again,” I whimpered as he kept teasing me with his finger.
“I don’t have to,” he licked my stomach slowly, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. What I want,” he kissed my hips and onto my thighs, “is to stay with you.”
Thomas went back to using his tongue, leaving me a moaning, writhing mess on the bed, my nails digging into his scalp.
“Tommy… Tom!” Tears formed in my eyes as I released again, my hands shaking desperately.
Thomas slowed and kissed back up my body, his hand now resting on my throat as he kissed me slowly, savoring me.
He cares for me…
When did that happen?
“Did you mean what you said?” I whispered against his lips.
“Which part?”
“You know which part you shit.”
“Yes,” he whispered back, cradling my face, “I meant it. Aero, you mean a lot to me. Even if you can’t be my boyfriend yet, I want to be allowed to stay at your side. And ya know… in between your legs.”
“So… friends with benefits?”
“Yes. But only until you ask me to be your partner. I only want you. I’ll only be physical, emotional, any of it with you. I swear.”
“When did that happen?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek and he kissed it away.
“When I first saw you,” he smiled, “I decided then and there that I would do what I could to get you. But I saw you with Casey and decided to just try being your friend. I hadn’t expected him to cheat on you. I was so angry because I cared for you. Even if you’d never spoken to me at that point.”
“I… I care about you too.”
“I know. But it’s so nice to hear,” he kissed me again and I felt him press against me, “ah… fuck…”
“Wait! I can… I can get pregnant.”
“Ah, I forgot! I wasn’t thinking because you’re a guy so I… um… hang on,” he jumped out of bed, gasping at the cold, and rushed to his backpack, grabbing something and tossing it on the bed, “okay before you say anything. I’ve had those in there for a while I wasn’t planning to sleep with anyone in Indiana.”
“Tommy,” I sat up and took his hand, lacing my fingers with his, “I trust you. It’s okay.”
He kissed me deeply as he lifted the blanket, sliding back on top of me, rubbing my cheeks gently. He lifted his hips and slowly got himself ready, his chest pressed to mine as he pushed my legs further apart.
“Alright. Just breathe okay? It’s going to hurt at first. I promise to go as slowly as I can,” he whispered as he began to press in, my eyes closing immediately, “shh. It’s okay, Aero. I’ve got you. Hang on…”
He filled me slowly, pain shooting through me and he gently rubbed my chest, panting against my skin as he tried to calm me.
“It… it hurts,” I whimpered, digging my nails into his back.
“I know I’m sorry. It’ll only hurt for a minute. Open your eyes. Look at me, Sparrow.”
Slowly, I looked into his eyes and he smiled, a gentle full one that showed me I was safe in his arms like this. Thomas bent down and kissed me gently, one hand now wrapped in my hair. He never moved his hips, simply letting my body adjust to something so foreign.
“Does it still hurt?” He whispered.
“A little but it… it’s okay.”
“I like you like this. I mean I like you when you’re being mean but I didn’t think affection would make you so docile.”
“Shut up!”
“No,” he laughed and slowly rocked his hips back, making both of us moan, “fuck you’re perfect. So tight around me. I… I want to be the only one who gets to see you like this.”
“But I’m… I’m not the only one who has seen you like this,” I panted, gripping his arms.
“But you’re the only one who will ever see me like this again. I promise. I’ll wait for years if I have to,” he started gently rocking his hips when he realized that I was finally relaxed enough, “there we go. Do you like it?”
“I… fuck yes…”
“Such a good boy,” he kissed me deeply, shoving his tongue into my mouth, swirling it around my own, “fuck baby you take me in so easy.”
My voice had now disappeared, devolving into nothing but whimpers and screams, my hands wrapped tightly in his hair. I could feel my stomach tense and my hips shot up.
“Fuck!” Thomas froze, before immediately jumping off of me.
“Tommy?” I looked at him confused, “did I do something wrong?”
“No! No, you’re incredible. I want to do this all the time but… but…” he ran into the bathroom and I followed after grabbing my phone, using it as a flashlight. That’s when I noticed a warmth running down my leg and I looked down before snapping my gaze back to Thomas, my eyes wide.
There was a sudden beeping sound, followed by all the lights turning on and we stood there staring at each other, both of us panicked enough to not say anything for a few minutes.
“The condom broke,” I whispered.
“Mhm,” Thomas nodded, his eyes filled with tears, “j… just as I…”
“But… that shouldn’t happen.”
“I think they’re old. I haven’t been with anyone in a year.”
“We could… we should have taken one from my parents room!” I started to panic, “I…”
Running from the bathroom, I grabbed my clothes and ran down the hallway to the other bathroom, jumping quickly in the shower as I did my best to clean myself, praying to whoever would listen that things would be okay.
I’m on testosterone but that doesn’t mean I can’t get pregnant.
I never thought I’d be close to someone so I never bothered with birth control.
Fuck!
Tears began to fall from me and suddenly the shower curtain was pushed aside and Thomas climbed in, wrapping me tightly in his arms.
“It’ll be okay,” he whispered, “it’s okay, Sparrow. I doubt… I doubt you’re gonna be…”
“We’re so young! We’re not even together! What if… what if…”
“Then we figure it out. But for right now… let’s just go to bed.”
I nodded, wiping at my face and Thomas wet his hands, slowly washing me, hiding the tears that were still threatening to escape me.
“Tommy…” I whispered once we were in my bed, my head on his chest, “Tommy don’t leave me.”
“I won’t, Sparrow. Where do you want to go? I’ll take you anywhere.”
“I’m supposed to be here. Take over the shop and this house.”
“That’s not what I asked you,” he softly kissed the top of my head, “where do you want to be? I’ll follow you. Even if we aren’t together right now… I’ll still come. I hate college, hate being in an apartment with Ichika.”
“You can live with me in my apartment,” I tilted my head to look up at him, “just drop out. Your parents won’t care. Get a job or something. Then… then we can… I don’t know. I love it here…”
“Then we move back here,” he kissed me softly, “I can’t promise I won’t treat you like my boyfriend. I can’t stop myself now that you’re okay with my affection. We can just be friends who fool around until you’re ready to actually admit you have feelings for me.”
“Won’t your parents be mad if you don’t come back to Indiana?”
“We’ll go visit,” he smiled, “if you want.”
“Okay,” I nodded, “I’m scared, Tommy…”
“I know. Me too,” he whispered, “but it wasn’t a mistake. None of this was.”
“I… I agree.”
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