“Did you tell them that I had my big brother puncture all four of that last guy’s tires and plug up his tailpipe? And that when he saw the size of my brother on the security camera footage he never touched you or said a word to you again, and no one else did either?”
“I didn’t. I wanted them to fall for me, not you or your brother. Also, I don’t know what the statute of limitations is for things like that, and I’m not trying to get Jojo in trouble. It would look weird since he’s, you know, a cop now.”
“Fair. It was over a decade ago, though, so I doubt it’s still an unsolved case that anyone is losing sleep over. Not like anyone could see his face in the video anyway. Jorge’s not stupid. Just loyal. And scared of me. Wait until he hears you’ve got a hippy bae from Florida. He’s never gonna let you hear the end of it.”
“You don’t have to tell him.”
“I don’t have to have fabulous lashes, either, but when was the last time you saw me without them?”
“Not the same thing, but I owe you a million so tell him whatever you want and I’ll just deal.”
“You’re family! He’s known you forever. He worries about you! He’s probably going to run a background check on Raph. You know he did on Sumanth.”
“Sumanth the poli sci professor is an edgy guy, I don’t blame Jojo for vetting him.”
“Hey, turned out Sumanth had an unpaid parking ticket that had blown off of his car. You never know about people. Everyone has skeletons in their closet.”
“Let me guess. Sumanth went and stood in line for two hours to pay it in person.”
“No, he paid it online from his phone the second I told him about it, though.”
“Yeah, thank god for Jojo. Who knows what Sumanth would have gotten up to without that reality check. Glad Jojo scared him straight.”
“Leave Sumanth alone. He’s perfect.”
“He is. I love him. You found a good one.”
“Why would you expect anything less? I see you distracting me, by the way. So, Raph was unbothered about your treatment, what happened next?”
“So much happened in so short a period. My head’s still spinning. I uh… oh yeah. I made it weird.”
“No! Not you!”
“Ha fucking ha, Nachelle. Yeah, I said something about wanting them to know just in case things got physical, which was… you know… a super awkward gun-jumping moment.”
“Oooh, your specialty.”
“I don’t like to brag, but yeah. Then they told me they were ‘interested’ in me. Asked me if I was ‘interested’ in them. Straight up just joined me in the gun-jumpery. Raph does not beat around the bush.”
“Not even the dyed-to-match bush?”
“Oh my god. Stop it. I should never have let you see that. Why are you like this? So like, we were having fourth date conversations fifteen minutes in. It freaked me out a little, and things just kept escalating but always escalating in a good direction, but still… escalating. They continue to escalate!”
“Still in a good direction? Also, what do you mean ‘let me see’? Like I had to persuade you. Three sidecars and you’re an exhibitionist.”
“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it, Nachelle. And yeah, the direction was very good. Suspiciously good. I don’t understand how it can be this good. They say they’re going to call me tonight, and I believe them. They say they’re coming into the city on the eighth for a couple of nights and that we’ll get together then, and I believe that, too.”
“Yuko, just because you’ve had a shortage of good doesn’t mean that you aren’t entitled to the same amount of good as everyone else or MORE. Go with it. Ride it out and see what happens. If the shit hits the fan, I’ll hold you down. And Jojo will kill them and make it look like an accident. Sumanth will probably help— he loved “How to Get Away With Murder.” He secretly yearns to be a cool murder-conspiracy-investigate-y professor. You know we’ve got you. Just trust it. I get nothing but good vibes from them. You have to see the way they look at you. They look at you like I look at you, but with sexy thrown in… like they see how amazing you are and how gorgeous you are and they want to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane. And when they did, they made you go O a few times! I think you might be dealing with a Total Package. I already know the sex was good, because we all know the sex was good, but give to me a secret that only a best friend gets to hear.”
“I will give to you three secrets, one of which you may find professionally interesting.”
Nachelle bounced up and down in her seat excitedly, clapping her hands and looking gleeful. “Oh my god, do they have fused toes or something? Go on!”
“No, but that would totally be interesting. Secret one: The first time they made me come, they did it solely—pun intended— by rubbing my foot some kind of way. Down by the heel. It took them a couple of minutes, max.”
Nachelle looked at her, eyes wide with delight. “Oooh!!”
“I think you need to get an acupuncturist to join your practice. Let’s rename your business Heels and Squeals.”
“Okay, I’m a doctor, we’re not running a dodgy massage parlor. I think I’ll stick to happy endings that are strictly knees-down. But thanks for the suggestion. Next secret!”
“There were some piercings, like little gold ones, in places that you wouldn’t ordinarily see, not even at the beach. Unless it was a penis-out beach.”
“Ohhhhh shiiiiiiit! Raph’s a freak! First, let’s go to a beach like that, because I’m a freak, too. Just for looksies, not for touchies since neither of us is single, bwahahaha. Second, I have never. Were the piercings fun? Were they sexy? Were they scary? Could you like… feel them?”
“They were so sexy. And fun. Such a shortcut to their happy place. Like I could probably tie a little red string to those suckers and just lead them anywhere I wanted them to go for the rest of their lives and they’d never object. I think I could kind of feel them— it’s a texture thing more than a specific sensation… but you know… condoms, so…”
“Right, that makes sense. Yuko, I don’t think it’s the piercings that make them act like that. I mean, you could probably tie a string around any part of their dick or any other part of their body and lead them around without objection for the rest of their lives. This is what I am trying to convey to you. It looks like that kind of party. Y’all click like Legos. Third secret?”
“Three times in under two hours, Nachelle. The foot, a trad fuck, and then just mouths and hands. Like I was trying to buy maca root a couple days ago just to get it up for myself and now suddenly I am a triple-threat scream queen. After the foot thing? It was so good I cried. They were very sweet about it, too.”
“You what? You never cry. Now I’m gonna cry.”
“Don’t. You’ll mess up your lash glue. It was a good cry, I think. Like when I got my first annual bonus check and it was enough for my surgery.”
“That was like two artful tears. This was more, I take it?”
“A lot more.”
“Yuko, you’re fucked. You’re down for the count. I’m having Jojo run that check like… tonight. Now you got me a little freaked out. I’m happy, so happy, but at the same time, I don’t want anything to happen to my baby.”
“I don’t want anything to happen to your baby, either. Why do you think I’m all ass over teakettle like this?”
“Well, we’ve got eleven days to figure all of this out and for Jojo to work his magic. I’m texting Jojo right now. Yuko, really though? I think this could be it. I think maybe you found the One.”
“I think so, too. Don’t let me jump off the Brooklyn bridge if we’re wrong.”
“I will knock that bridge down before I let that happen.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. I’m so excited for you! Finally!”
“Yeah, me too, I think. It’s a weird feeling.”
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