The land below looked so small from here in the heavens; mountains, rivers, trees, all smaller than the length of my fingers. All the seas and oceans I could fit into my sake cup. And the people, I could fit hundreds of them in my palm. My sister, the sun goddess, had promised me that all I saw was a glimpse from up here, and to see the true beauty I needed to go down and look. I wanted to, I really did, but up here was safe.

Up here other gods could intervene if something went wrong. When.

Then Amaterasu promised me nothing would go wrong, but a turbulent feeling sat in my stomach gaining intensity each day. The third promise my sister made to me was that our brother, the moon god Tsukuyomi, was a coward and should he be seen again, she’d banish him away. And, of course, that made me more curious what happened between them.

I knew little of my brother who only slipped out of hiding when Amaterasu rested. Sometimes I felt his pull as I moved the great waters below, and together we created a rhythm on the beaches. The water pulled up high, and then returned out to the depths, and then back again. Like a deep sigh over the world.

A real one escaped my lips. As much as I loved my sister, and all my siblings, Amaterasu could be difficult and was easy to anger. Her fight with our brother happened long before I arrived and she wouldn’t speak of him further than his existence. In frustration, I’d gone to our mother to ask questions and she whispered: Susanoo, my son, go down to lands below and search for him and ask. I won’t risk Amaterasu’s anger, she’ll hide away again.

At first I thought it another attempt to encourage me to go see the lands; she’d done that before pointing out paddies of rice now full of water and telling me to see how my water helped keep them alive. I’d even started the journey, and stopped halfway through the descent. My chest tightened, a wave of anger and fury washed over me, drowning me until I lost control. I watched helplessly as rain fell, the light drizzle turning to heavy drops. Somehow I’d woken up in my soft futon, unsure how I’d even made it back. And since then, I’d never left the heavens, even for a moment.

One day, I keep telling myself, over and over. I would be ready, one day. And then on that day, the humans would not be able to fit into the palm of my hand, and I would know all the mysteries that I wondered as I watched them. Why did they spend so much time laying down at night? What food did they consume? I wanted to learn, truly. I was just afraid of hurting them again. And I couldn’t show them that. What god is afraid, really.

One with many secrets to hide. How much longer can you keep me a secret, Susanoo? I am mighty and strong and you, you are weak. You cannot calm me or keep me locked away in your chest. A soul should be free, and one day I will be free of you.

I reached to my head and cradled my forehead in a hand. I am weak, it was right. When no-one was around I now heard whispers, a voice calling tinged with the anger I’d felt before. I knew I should tell Amaterasu or even my mother and father, but I didn’t—couldn’t—admit that the pacifying rites had possibly failed. Who fails the rites? I’d never heard of another god doing so.

When I had been created, my wild soul—the Ara-Mitama—had been in control. All gods started with theirs fierce and violent, until calmed. Without it, a god couldn’t function fully, only destroy. With Amaterasu’s help we’d worked through rite after rite to calm mine; days passed of dousing my body in flame and water, ending in deep meditation, until I truly awoke. My eyes had opened and all that remained of my soul was the tranquil side—the Nigi-Mitama. To finish, we’d continued pacifying and worshipping the Nigi-Mitama, until Amaterasu said it was complete, that full control was mine and I was ready to see the world. But deep in my heart something felt wrong, a stirring barely noticeable. And now…

Now you can’t pretend I am not here. Because here I am, Susanoo.

Guilt tugged at my insides, chewing and churning. I would deal with my Ara-Mitama myself. Somehow. For now, I opted with ignoring the voice, pushing it away with meditation. I would beat it into submission if that didn’t work, fighting it with my every being until only quietness reigned in my mind.

There is only the Nigi-Mitama.

Of course there is.

Night began to fall down on the human world; my sister’s glow waned and instead my brother would take her place. Tonight the moon would curl into a thin crescent, like a blade pinned to the blanket of the sky.

Tsukuyomi. What if he knew other rites? Perhaps he could quell the Ara-Mitama, or at least go through them again. I could ask him at least, surely? I didn’t want to risk asking Amaterasu. She’d glowed with pride and love when we had finished the rites. Would she be angry with me if she knew it hadn’t worked? Would she banish me too? Her temper bursting free… I could imagine it now, her standing beautiful, long black hair coiled up and fastened with golden hairpins, and a face of fury. Or would she lock me away, fearful of what my Ara-Mitama could do. Amaterasu would do anything to protect the humans before me. They were defenceless, whereas I… I should be whole.

You should let me free. I could show you your true power. I will one day, you can’t push me away forever.

Amaterasu would have entered the heavens now, the inky black sky was devoid of her light. She always retreated to the onsen on her return, if I was going to talk to Tsukuyomi, now would be my best chance.

I stood from my viewing window and paced the room. The tatami mats beneath my feet stole any sound until I brushed against the edge of the golden byobu screen, knocking it over with a loud crash. My nerves really were getting the better of me. I slowly stood the screen up and looked at the pattern; upon the gold backing lay a river painted in the deepest blue. Above it crossed a sakura in full bloom, the delicate pink petals barely clinging on to the branches. My mother, Izanagi, had gifted it to me in attempt to persuade me to go down to Yamato and look at real sakura. One day, I planned to take a real branch and gift it to her.

The sooner I sort this mess, the sooner I can do it.

I would search out Tsukuyomi.

There was no harm in asking some questions, at least. I wouldn’t tell him of my predicament, I would never admit to anyone my failings, however perhaps I could make him let slip advice that would save me.

First though, I needed to be presentable for a first meeting. I’d been sat watching the world in a simple blue kimono, one that reminded me of the seas. I summoned fresh clothing, a kimono the colour of the deep seas covered in silver embroidery; curved lines echoed the crashing waves and thick sea foam. Finally, I slipped a haori over my kimono; the thinner jacket coloured the bright blue of a calm ocean.

Admittedly, I was a little nervous. What would my brother be like? My mother spoke briefly of his beauty and cruelty; she missed his presence dearly. Would he listen to my words or cast me away? I would also need to find somewhere to meet him, knowing he’d come nowhere near the heavens. Did he live all the way out there on the moon? I wasn’t sure.

I looked down at Yamato. If I was truly doing this, I had to go down there. A brief appearance just to call Tsukuyomi, nothing more. And if the Ara-Mitama tried to take over again, I’d come back. The humans were curled up asleep in their tiny houses so the risk of hurting them was small. The rain would only help the crops and become a blessing.

Steeling myself, I left my room and walked down the hallway to the door. Just like the castles below, the heavens were made up of castles and gardens filled with wide sparkling ponds. I thought it was enough to stay up here, but the perfect beauty of our creations was nothing compared to the imperfect humans. My mother had started smashing bowls and fixing them after seeing the humans doing the same.

I continued out of the door and out onto a well worn road. All I had to do was follow it to the edge and I was free. It was easy, gods did it all the time. It was only me struggling.

The path ended too soon and my sandals brushed the edge of the heavens. I was in control, this was my choice, and I wouldn’t be long at all. I had to keep reminding myself to stop the fear of last time paralysing me.

One more step and I was free, I’d done it, I’d finally left the heavens. Now to descend to Yamato and seek out Tsukuyomi.

Grey clouds covered the sky, I could feel the water building up ready to rain. One little push and I could send it forth right now, as easy as breathing. I pushed down through the clouds, catching my breath as the ocean unveiled. In the thread of moonlight, the calm waters glittered, only the waves broke the illusion near the coast. As I approached I could hear them, crashing and sighing, crashing and sighing. The lulling sound pulled at my Nigi-Mitama, and all I could feel was calmness. The pull increased as I landed on the beach; my feet crunched on the damp sand and I sunk into the softness, filling my sandals.

I was in control, my Nigi-Mitama was appeased. Everything was fine.

How had I never come down to see this?

I wanted to run my hands through it, touching the beauty that I reigned over. Now that I was down here getting closer, I felt like I’d never seen something so wondrous before. I knew the waters ran deeper and deeper into inky blackness filled with many creatures, from great whales and gigantic squid to tough round turtles.

The air was silent, no wind or birds called out into the sky, only the water continuing its sighing song.

Slipping off my sandals, I walked out ankle deep into the cold water, letting it soak into the hems of my kimono. The fabric clung to my skin, embracing me with a chilled wetness.

When Amaterasu had explained to me our parents wishes, for me to take care of the seas, I thought the far view was all I needed. To push and pull the water with my fingers all at once. Never would I have imagined that down here I could touch the water, feeling the movements, the soft embrace.

You can feel the power deeper here. You shouldn’t have waited this long to visit. You could have known sooner. These small waves are nothing compared to what I can do. What we can do. Waves can grow larger, crash harder, wash away all the evil trying to take root in the country. I’ve seen them through your eyes. Humans that do as they wish, ignoring the advice bestowed by the gods. Do you think they all listen to you? The weak god who hides up in the heavens? They haven’t seen your true might, the reason why not to anger the god of the sea.

I stepped out further into the water, half of my own volition, until it sat around my hips like a cosy blanket.
Or passionate lover. It feels good, doesn’t it?

It did feel good, I had to admit to myself. I wouldn’t voice it to my Ara-Mitama but I felt like she already knew.

Oh, Susanoo, of course I know. You can’t hide anything from me. I know you better than yourself, I was there when we were born. I am the true form.
Come, let’s be strong again. You want to be strong, don’t you?

Around me the water swelled and pulsed, dragging away from the shore with a hiss.

Susanoo?

I knew I shouldn’t stay, that I should return the to the heavens, but the allure of the water pulled me in deep, drowning my senses until all I felt was the cold water surrounding me. We were one.

Waves slapped the earth harder now, rolling up onto the beaches and spraying up grass topped cliffs. Stone crumbled down, powerless to resist the water, to resist me.

We are the most powerful.

Something loosened deep inside, a long aching power bubbling up to the surface.

I have the power to do this, to break the land to my will. The soft rivers of water may flood and fill the lands with life but out here I could take it away with ease.

Water can roll down the beaches, deeper in land, washing away anything that tries to stop you. Homes can be toppled, shrines broken, and all will know the ferocity of Susanoo. Nobody will call you weak then.

I am not weak.

Inside my chest the crumbling walls fell with mirthful laughter. The Ara-Mitama had control. It was time to destroy.

I am Susanoo, god of the seas, god of the raging storms that will snuff the life of every fisherman daring to steal from me. And all will know my name.

The grey clouds thickened, muting the skies; wind followed after, stirring the ocean further, agitating the energy inside it.

“You will never forget my name,” I called out over the waves. “Susanoo.”

From the darkest depths came a deep rumble, waking even the oldest swathes of sea.

“See how the earth even listens to me!”

The crashing waves pulled back now, further and further and further still. I stood on bare sand, soaking, laughing. It wouldn’t be long now, the swollen sea birthing a new name for their lips.

Susanoo. Susanoo. Susanoo.

It was time. One simple thought and onwards the water began marching towards the coast, increasing its pace the closer it got. It submerged me with its cold power; I revelled in the energy surrounding me, fuelling my strength and desire.

Pushing upwards, I raised myself out of the deep waters so I could see the devastation. High waves rushed the shore, breaking anything standing in its way. Never stopping. I would topple the forests, drown the rivers and lakes in seawater, and reduce mountains to gravel. There was only one victor in this battle.
But this wasn’t enough, no, this was only the beginning. Around me the grey clouds loosened their hold on the cold rain, dropping it hard and fast. Winds picked up, whipping and snapping the air back and forth.

Somewhere I could hear screams, muffled only a second later.

Listen to them, crying out. Fearing you, fearing us. Soon they won’t leave their houses out of fear, pleading to us for help. And we shall help, we will send them lashings of wind and rain until they drown. Their lands will become mud and sticks and even Izanami and Izanagi won’t be able to help them. Such a strong son they birthed. You just needed my help to find it.