Closing my door, I pulled the tests from my jacket and tossed them onto the bed as I kicked my boots into the corner of my room.
“It’s too early,” Thomas whispered, holding one of them up, “you won’t be able to use it for two weeks.”
“I know,” nodding, I tossed my shirt off and grabbed a sweater from my bag, “I’m going to the hospital as soon as we’re in California again. Blood test.”
“Aren’t you on your parent's insurance?”
“Yes, but I’m over 18 so they don’t have access to my files. They’ll just see I went to the hospital and if they ask why I’ll say it had something to do with my hormone levels. Easy.”
“You’ve been thinking then.”
“I can’t wait weeks to know. I’ll have a damn panic attack,” reaching into my bag, I tossed the case that had my testosterone and syringes onto the bed.
“Is it safe to use when you might be…”
“Probably not,” sighing, I sat down and flipped the case in my hands, “fuck!” I tossed it back down and started to cry, digging my nails into my thighs, “fuck!”
“Sparrow. Calm down,” Thomas squatted in front of me, forcing me to release the grip I had on my legs, “it’s all okay. We’ll have answers before you know it and we’ll figure it out then.”
“Don’t touch me anymore,” pulling my hands back, I covered my face, still crying, “Go away.”
“Aero,” Thomas whispered.
“Get the hell away from me!” I shouted at him.
Thomas got to his feet, walking over to my door, his hand falling to the doorknob as he looked at me over his shoulder, “I know you’re upset. But I am too. I don't appreciate you shouting at me,” he threw the door open and slammed it behind him.
Laying on the bed, I kept crying, gripping my blanket as my chest heaved.
Who do I talk to?
I need Pa.
He’s gonna be so mad at me.
With shaking hands, I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Shiloh.
-S: Pa.
-SH: Hey!
-S: When are you coming home?
-SH: Late tonight. I told you yesterday.
-S: Oh I forgot. Where are you now?
-SH: Just walking around Boise. We’re at the mall. Just got here. Probably going to stay for a few hours.
-S: Okay. I just wanted to check in. I love you.
-SH: We love you too!
Setting my phone down, I sighed, tears staining my face. Guilt had settled into my chest about how I had treated Thomas and I groaned, wanting him back with me.
I’ll only hurt you.
I have no idea how to control my emotions.
My phone went off in my hand an hour later and I found a text from Thomas.
-T: I understand you’re terrified. But you’re only thinking of yourself. I’m scared too, Sparrow. But I’m trying to stay strong for you. To show you that I’ll be here no matter what. And you run me out of the bedroom. I understand we’re not together, but what I value in a future or current partner is fucking communication. You stole that away from me. How fucking dare you!
-S: Dont talk to me like that…
-T: I’m allowed to be mad. You hurt me. I’m just trying to support you so why the hell can’t you do the same thing for me? I’ve been solely focused on you for months now. Helping you through a breakup, being your friend. You dont even pay attention to my struggles. I need you, Sparrow. I need you to pay attention to me. I’ve been reaching out, trying to ask for your help and you blow me off as if I’m messing around. I’m struggling! I… fuck! How the hell are we supposed to be parents if you can’t even be my friend?
-S: We don’t know if I’m pregnant or not… Tommy you’re my best friend…
-T: Then treat me like I matter to you! Please. Please, Aero. I need to know that you care outside of when we’re in bed. You have to at least give me little hints that you do. It hurts! You’ve hurt me a lot today and… it’s barely one.
-S: Where are you?
-T: The backyard. I’m throwing snow at the barn. It’s calming.
Jumping up, I grabbed my jacket and boots and ran outside, finding Thomas standing in front of the barn in nothing but a short sleeve shirt, jeans and a pair of tennis shoes.
I know he packed boots.
He’s that angry.
“Come inside, Tommy,” I called softly, “you’re going to get sick.”
“I dont care,” he snapped at me, throwing another fistful of snow.
“Tommy,” I called again and he finally looked at me. Holding my hand out to him, I sniffled gently, “Tommy, come back inside with me.”
“Why? I’m not allowed to touch you anymore, remember?” He turned and threw more snow, his shoulders shaking and I realized he had started to cry.
“Thomas please,” I let out a cry, my hand simply hanging outstretched in front of me, “please come inside. I… I’m so sorry. I’m scared, Tommy. But you are too and I know that now so please. I need you. You were right. You were right this entire time and I ignored it because I have no idea how to treat you. You’re so different from Casey and it confuses me and now we’re dealing with the chance that I might be pregnant and I need you, Chip. I need you to come inside with me. My Tommy… please.”
“You… what?” A familiar voice called and everything in my chest froze as I turned to find my father Shiloh on the deck in his wheelchair.
“Pa,” I whispered, “w… why are you home?”
“Your text was strange and I got worried so I had Dad cut our trip short so I could make sure you were okay. What… what’s going on?”
“Pa…” I started to cry, squatting down in the snow.
“Tommy,” Kai called from the back door, “come on, kid. Let’s get you warmed up and talk. Okay?”
“Right okay,” Thomas walked past me and as he did he softly patted the top of my head.
“Tommy,” I called after him, “Tommy no stay… stay here.”
“I need to talk to your dad,” he walked into the house after Kai without another word and I stayed where I was, crying loudly.
“Sparrow,” Shiloh called, “I can’t go out there in my wheelchair. Come here.”
“You’re gonna be so mad at me,” I hiccuped.
“Never. You’re my baby. Come here, please.”
Getting up slowly, I made my way over to Shiloh, hanging my head. He led me into the house and down the hall to the master bedroom before laying down on the bed. I laid next to him on my back and stared at the ceiling, my mind scattered.
“So. My youngest might be pregnant,” Shiloh whispered, “how in the fuck did that happen?”
“Sex.”
“Sparrow,” he smacked my hand, “duh I know that. I’m clearly asking for an explanation.”
“I… okay. The power went out and it was really cold here last night. So Tommy and I were cuddling for warmth and I realized that I cared about him. I don’t want him to disappear or leave me behind. Anyway, one thing led to another and I decided to put my trust in him to let him take my uh… well he’s the first person I’ve more than kissed.”
“You were with Casey for years and you never?” He looked at me surprised.
“You were with what’s his face just as long and didn’t. It’s not that different. So, we were… almost done, we were using protection but suddenly Tommy jumped up panicked. I thought it was my fault until he… the condom broke right when he…”
“Oh,” Shiloh whispered, “and you never got on birth control or anything?”
“Well I never expected this to happen! After that piece of shit Josh I swore I’d never… never let someone touch me but there’s just something about Tommy that makes me feel safe and warm and I hate it!” I started to cry again, burying my face in my hands, “Pa I just wanted to be alone! I never wanted this! I didn’t want to have true feelings for someone. I never even loved Casey! I don’t know if I love Tommy but I can’t… I can’t lose him and now this and I just don’t know what the hell to do! I’m so scared!”
Shiloh quickly wrapped me in his arms, my head on his chest as he rubbed my back, humming to me softly, “it’s okay. Oh it’s okay baby. We don’t even know for sure yet. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“I’ll be a 20 year old single father with no job living in an apartment that you pay for and have no way to care for a child.”
“Do you really, truly believe that if you are pregnant Tommy will leave?”
“No…”
“Do you think that we’d make you stay in college and live there? Try and figure everything out alone?”
“No,” I whispered.
“You’re my son,” Shiloh cradled my face after forcing me to sit up, “my baby. My twin. I’m not… going to be happy at first but it’s not the end of the world. It just means you’ll be about the same age Dad was when Violet was born. It means coming home earlier. We’ll take care of you. Auntie Juni’s old house is still empty. You can take it until Dad and I are ready to start our travel around the world and live with Grammy. If you are pregnant, I can’t believe I’m saying that, you can have the hysterectomy when you have the baby. Then top surgery. It’s backwards but it’s okay. You cannot take your T until we’re sure though okay?”
“Okay,” I hiccuped, “Pa I worked so hard to go to school.”
“But you never wanted to, Sparrow. You only did it because you thought you had to. I was more than happy to simply work side by side with you in the bookstore until I retired. You left honey. Do you want to come home now? You can.”
“I don’t want to leave Tommy,” I whispered.
“He means that much to you?”
“I… think so.”
“So you’re going to ask him to date then?”
“I think we technically have been for a while but I’m not ready to be his boyfriend yet. But he’s good for me and I see that. He validates my identity, calls me baby boy. I love it. He’s funny, sweet, warm, a little hyper. His touch scalds me in the best way. He’s so much smarter than he thinks he is, Pa. Loves his family and you know that’s important to me. It’s why I kept gravitating toward him after Casey. I had to have him close and now… I’ve pushed him away. All because I’m scared. I relied on him too much and never paid attention to the fact that… that he needed me too.”
“So do that now,” Shiloh smiled, “be there for him.”
“But I don’t know how,” I wiped my nose on my sleeve.
“Listen. All you have to do is truly listen to him.”
“But he doesn’t want to talk to me right now.”
“Oh I think he does,” Shiloh gestured over my shoulder and I found a red faced Thomas standing next to Kai who was gripping his shoulder tightly, offering support.
“Tommy!” I jumped up and ran over, “Tommy I am so-“
He cut my words off by cradling my face and kissing me softly, “shut up. You talk so much. I’m tired of you talking. Just listen to me for a minute please,” he stared into my eyes and I nodded, balling my hands and placing them close to my chest, “I forgive you for hurting me. You didn’t realize. I know how sweet you are more than anyone. But I need you to show me that more than when you’re trying to get in my pants. Um… sorry,” he looked over at Kai who shrugged, “I need you to actually comprehend the words I say. Not just listen. Understand me. I’m far more introspective than you think I am. Sparrow, I’m fucking terrified. I’m so sorry this happened, but we agreed no matter what it’s going to be okay. I promised you that I just want to be where you are. You’re so blind to the fact I follow you around like a puppy because you bring something out in me I've never felt for anyone. I have to keep you safe. That’s what I feel. Your heart, your mind. I want to protect it, to cherish the grumpy asshole that you are. It never bothered me because I realized something. What you say when you’re around others is usually the opposite of what you mean. You’re shy,” he smiled, wiping a tear from my cheek, “and that’s why you’re so snappy. You tell people you can’t stand me but I know it’s the opposite. I shouldn’t have to be finding the opposites in what you say though. Even if you can’t say it loudly around others, please… at least whisper to me how you feel. It can be our secret. I’m sorry you’re so scared. I am too. But I’m not going anywhere. No matter what the outcome is. Either we’ll be parents and learn to navigate that while I wait for you to be my partner, or we won’t be and I’ll still be right here waiting. I made you a promise,” he wrapped his hand around the nape of my neck and pulled me close, his forehead pressed to mine, “I will wait as many years as you need to ask me to be with you. So if we’re both going to be scared, can we at least be scared together? Don’t kick me out of the bedroom again.”
“Tommy,” I started to cry, wrapping my arms around his neck, “Tommy I’m so sorry. I was just… I don’t know how to be good to you.”
“You just have to learn, starlight,” he kissed my temple softly.
“Starlight?”
“That’s what you remind me of,” he wiped his own tear away, “the light in the never ending darkness of life. The guiding star. You’re my starlight. I will follow wherever you want to go. Like the North Star. It guides me home.”
“You’re… far more poetic than I realized,” I let out a tear filled laugh, “okay Sunbeam,” I kissed his nose, “you make everything warm after all. Can you wait? Just a bit more?”
“However long you need.”
“Not forever.”
“Now, Tommy,” Kai patted Thomas’ back roughly, “you promised me something.”
“I know,” Thomas swallowed thickly, “can I… do it in here with all of you? He scares the shit out of me.”
“Of course.”
“The fuck are you talking about?” I looked at them confused.
“I have to call my dad,” Thomas whispered.
“Well Killian is sweet. Don’t be so scared,” Shiloh smiled.
“N… no. Not him. Theodore.”
“Oh,” I whispered, “oh fuck he had Kennedy at like…”
“18,” Thomas nodded, pulling his phone out and dialing on speaker.
“Tommy?” A bass voice came from the other side of the phone and Thomas jumped.
“Hey dad. How… how are you?”
“I’m good. What’s up?”
“I have to tell you something’s and… you’re not gonna be happy I don’t think.”
“What did you break?”
“Huh? Nothing.”
“Then go ahead.”
“I’m dropping out of UC Berkeley,” Thomas leaned into me and I rubbed his arm softly, “I’ve been considering it for a while and…”
“I figured it’d happen. I’m not that surprised nor am I angry with you. When are you coming home?”
“I’m… I’m not.”
“What do you mean you’re not, Thomas Adrian? What the hell are you going to do then?”
There’s the temper he told me about.
But this is from concern.
“Well… um… live in Idaho.”
“Ah. Okay,” Theodore softly sighed, “with Sparrow I suppose?”
“Not yet,” Thomas took a sigh of relief, “no his parents have an apartment above their bookstore and cafe. His dad Kai agreed to teach me everything I need to know about running the cafe and… well you knew that was what I had wanted to do.”
“That was kind of him. I’m not sure why you thought I’d be angry about that. I want you to live your life, Tommy, how you’d want to. Not what we would have picked for you.”
“That’s not what I’m concerned about. There’s something that… well we won't know for a bit but… dad I’m so sorry.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“Theo? Who are you talking to?” I could hear Killian yell.
“Tommy.”
“Oh! Hi Tommy!” Killian laughed coming into the call now.
“Hey… hey dad,” Thomas gripped my arm and I softly kissed his shoulder.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, “I’m here.”
“Dad… Daddy… there was an accident and… I was being safe we… we were being safe but…”
“Do they know about me?” I looked at him confused.
“Oh! No… can I?”
“Killian, Theo, hi it’s Sparrow. I doubt you’ll honestly care but you should know that I’m trans. Female to male. I’m only hormones right now but it’s important for what Tommy needs to tell you okay?”
“Sure,” Theodore’s voice shook.
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