TW: mental health topics, suicide, implied abuse

Mal put his key in the ignition for what felt like the 50th time. The engine sputtered a bit, but the car remained off. Oh, fuck this! He hissed, banging on the dashboard.

“Wake up! Wake up! Fuckin’ start!!”

He tried it again, and again, and again, nothing happened, not even a slight whine from the engine. The car was completely and totally dead.

“Fuck!”

What could he possibly do? Everyone at home was sleeping and he’d only be an inconvenience to them. In the privacy, he could talk to himself, list out every idea, every possibility. Mal often did this when he was completely alone. It was a comfort, and he didn’t have to worry about people finding him crazy, he was alone.

“Austin is no doubt a no go, he’s not even in this fuckin’ state. Not that he’d be much help, he knows fuck all about cars,” Mal paused, “you know fuck all about cars, dickhead…”

Mal noticed the bruises forming on his hands from the earlier theatrics.

“I really gotta stop losin’ my shit.”

He pursed his lips.

“Says the batshit crazy guy who threw a temper tantrum ‘cause his car wouldn’t start. God, now I’m just pitiful. I can’t even start a goddamn car!”

He shook his head, stepping out of the vehicle. He knew it would do him absolutely no good to stay there. He was all alone, with no foreseeable way to get home, no real friends his age, no real hope for anything. It was his own damn fault too. He had a life before he left, he had friends before he went away, and he just abandoned it. He had never been this alone before in his life. Not really. Now he was no one. He had nothing. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, surprised to find a text message from an unknown number.

Hey are you at work

Mal furrowed his brow.

Who is this?

Oh, my bad. Teeran gave me your number a while ago. It’s Moses

Why you up this late?

Couldn’t sleep

Go to bed.

You gonna be home soon

Nope.

His phone started ringing, and he answered the call.

“Mal, where are you?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Go to bed, Moses.”

“No, answer my question. Where are you? Are you ok? I haven’t seen you in 2 fuckin’ weeks, you’re always out somewhere.”

“Why do you care?!”

“I just do! I don’t need a reason. C’mon, man, I can’t understand why you’re bein’ like this!”

“‘Cause I’m a horrible person and I deserve nothing. Now hang up.”

“I’m coming to get you. What’s the address?”

“In what car?”

“I’ll bike. Send me the location.”

“Whatever.”

“See you soon.”

Moses hung up the phone before Mal could retort. 

“Guess I don’t have a vote. Great.”

After about 5 minutes of debate, Mal sent his location to the number. He sat on the curb, scoffing at his unbelievably bad luck. It was cold, especially for a summer night. This town was so different from the big city he grew up in. He had to drive basically everywhere, whereas at home, so many things were within walking distance. People here were close, tight knit. He’d get weird stares for the way he dressed, his piercings, his lack of religious faith. He felt like an alien everywhere he went, so he overcompensated with a goofy aloofness and a big grin, but he didn’t do that much here. He just wanted to be left alone here. He kind of liked being no one sometimes. If he could disappear into absolutely nothing, he wouldn’t worry about past or future or now or anywhere or anything. He’d be gone. Not in a suicidal way, or at least he didn’t think so. He just hated remembering everything. Everyone. Especially him. In the beginning, it was fun. He was the first guy, no, the first person Mal had ever been with.

“Hey stranger.”

Mal jolted, as he saw Moses on Dean’s dirt bike, his hair wild and his face glistening with sweat when he took off his helmet. He flashed a cheeky grin, his amber eyes full of intent.

“Do ya even know how to drive that thing?”

“Sure do,” Moses boasted proudly, “used to steal this thing and go racin’ all the time before I went to my mom’s.”

“I told you to go to sleep.”

“And sent me your location so I could come see you. Thanks for that, by the way. Wanna tell me what the hell’s goin’ on?”

Moses sat on the curb next to him, and their legs brushed against one another. Mal felt a tingling of electricity he had been avoiding these past few weeks. It was inescapable now. I’m fucked.

“Car’s busted.”

Moses’ eyes widened.

“Shit. I’m sorry, man.”

“My fault for not knowin’ shit about cars.”

“It’s an old car. Not surprised it broke down.”

“It was my uncle’s.”

“He get tired of it and pass it off to you?”

“Got it after he died.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

Mal shook his head.

“Don’t be. It’s cool.”

Moses turned to completely face him, his full lips scrunching to one side, as if deep in thought.

“Why’d you leave?”

“I had work.”

Moses glared.

“No, why’d ya leave home?? Your original place of dwelling? Your abode?”

“Sure do know a lotta fancy words.”

“Tell me.”

“Ok, ok. It’s…it’s not that interesting.”

“Not interesting my ass. Spill.”

Mal hesitated. No one knew about this, aside from his brother, and Teeran and Dean knew the bare minimum. Did he really feel comfortable telling this guy he was immensely attracted to? His stomach fluttered with nerves as Moses’ eyes became more intense, fixating completely on him and only him.

“My…parents…are very against the LGBT community. My brother left home when he was 16 ‘cause they found out he had a nonbinary partner. I…knew I liked guys around that same time.”

“How old were ya when you knew?”

“12. I knew I liked girls already, but the rest came later. It really freaked me out. I kept it a secret for a long time, through the entirety of middle school, I think. Finally came out to my friends and stuff when I was 15. Parents still have no idea I’m queer.”

“I hoped you were. When I first met you.”

“I know. You’re terrible at hiding it.”

“Shut up.”

Moses nudged him with his shoulder.

“Who was your first boy crush,” Mal asked.

“I was 8 at the time, so please do not judge me. It was Dwayne Johnson.”

“No way! The Rock.”

“Yes! I saw him in a terrible action movie and it was love at first sight. I’ve only ever liked boys, though, so obviously it’s a little different for me. You?”

“It was a guy in my class. He was loud and impulsive, kind of a dick, too, to be honest, but he could be really sweet. He was hot, too.”

“Sounds familiar.”

“Hey! Ok, I deserved that.”

Moses leaned closer.

“Why’d ya stop talkin’ to me?”

Mal saw the sad expression his eyes held, and he felt his heart sink. None of this was Moses’ fault, he was going through so much and Mal was so focused on himself that he lost sight of that.

“I’m really sorry. That was totally a dick move on my part. Truth be told…seein’ you like that was a lot for me.”

“Well, it’s a lot for me too,” Moses glared, “it’s not like I do this on purpose.”

“I’m sorry, that was the wrong thing to say. That was insensitive of me. What I meant to say was…I had someone in my life who really struggled like that…and they didn’t…shit I shouldn’t say that.”

“No,” Moses put a hand on his thigh, “you can tell me. It’s ok.”

“My uncle killed himself. A year ago. I…I was the one who…”

Moses squeezed his thigh.

“I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”

“I…was datin’ someone at the time. The guy from my class, actually. Funny how that works. He really tried to support me. Tried to be there for me. Everyone did. My friends. My teachers. My brother. My parents, in their own fucked up way. Then, one day, bam, I couldn’t fuckin’ take it anymore. All the sympathy. All the tears. All the bullshit. I got in a huge fight with my parents right before my ex came over, and he…he came in in the middle of the argument.”

Mal paused. It was like spilling his guts all over the floor, it felt awful, deplorable. And somehow, with Moses, it felt almost easier than he’d imagined it would.

“He didn’t know I wasn’t out to my parents. He’d never even met them before that night…he had no way of knowing that ‘cause I never told him. He kissed me in front of ‘em. I yelled at him, told him to get out of my life, ran to my room, packed a bag and got the fuck outta there before my parents could even say anything. That was around the time I started using. I needed something, anything, to cope. Never got serious enough to be, like full-blown addiction in my opinion, despite what Teeran and Dean say.”

Mal held Moses’ hand in his lap.

“Toward the end…it felt like what we had wasn’t there anymore. Like it just died. He was tired of me, and I don’t blame him. I was a horrible boyfriend sometimes, but then again, so was he. We…just couldn’t make it work. We’d fight all the time, about different things. About my drug habit. About him flirting with everyone he saw. He got physical sometimes. Not, like, super bad. I wasn’t abused or anything.”

“He hurt you. Put his hands on you. That’s not right.”

“Well, I deserved it for being shitty.”

Moses shook his head.

“No one deserves that. I should know. No one who loves you has the right to lay their hands on you.”

Mal kissed his hand.

“You’re a really good person, Mo. Ya know that? Way better than me. You deserve someone who’s good for you, not some nobody like me.”

“That’s not fair. You don’t get to decide who’s good for me or not. What’s best for me or not.”

“C’mon, it’s not like you love me or something.”

“Fuck you,” Moses shouted, “you don’t fucking know anything!! You think I’d be out here for just anyone?!”

“You don’t know me, Moses! I’m a coward! I run away, I hide because I can’t face it! I pretend to cope so I don’t have to face how I feel. You don’t want me, trust me.”

“So what?”

Before they could speak again, their lips were already intertwined like a perfect puzzle piece to make everything fit. He tasted sweet. His wild hair brushed against Mal’s face, his breath rushing into his mouth as their tongues met. Mal gasped as Moses pushed the kiss deeper, biting at his bottom lip, his tongue teasing the edges of his teeth. Moses grabbed his head in his hand, pulling back as aggressively as he initiated their kiss.

“I dunno if you noticed,” he gasped, “but I ain’t exactly perfect, either. I’m about as fucked up as they come. But I’m tryin’ not to be. I wanna be someone who can be happy. I wanna want things. I wanna be open and proud of who I am. I wanna choose to get help for myself, so I can be better. Don’t ya want that?”

“I’m scared.”

Moses kissed his forehead.

“Me too. I’m fuckin’ terrified. I have no idea what’s gonna happen. My therapist said somethin’ the other day, it was really weird. She said the bravest thing someone can do is be afraid. I thought it didn’t make any sense when I heard it. But then I thought about it, and she’s right. Fear can hold you back…but fear can also help you grow. If you admit you’re afraid, but do something that’s hard for you ‘cause you know it’s good for you, then you’re brave. You’re strong.”

Moses got up from the curb, putting his helmet on.

“C’mon, Mal. Let me take you home this time.”