I dont know what im doing, my siblings obviously dont think that highly of me and im scared for my future. ive started working on a sketch but i dont know if ill ever finish, i had an art test marked wrong, i was given D in two sections but all was marked correct, my father and i spoke to my teacher, she told me i was just upset and then gave me reasons as to why i was wrong, she didn't even mark it, other teachers did. but i dont know if she was right or wrong, art has been my speciality for years, better at tradition, shit on digital, but that doesnt change anything. but it made me feel like 9 years of sketch books was wasted and 5 years of tutorials and making dumb little stories out of my dreams was just a waste, i cant even wake up at a reasonable hour and for the past week ive been getting up closer to 11:30. when im meant to be up by 6 as my usual school time. i want the distortionist to pop off and that making this story for 3 years wasn't just a waste of paper, im not the best academicaly, physically or anything, im not even fucking surprised by anything anymore. 

i have a friend, her name starts with j and she may be reading this, she's a good friend, she's a nice person, shes good at art. the only artist i haven't seen as some sort of enemy or competitor to my imaginary battle on who can be the best, but what i am about to say is about another person whose name starts with J, she does nice things for me, i often dont have lunch with me at school, and she gives me food. but all this good stuff she does doesnt cover up what she has done. i pretend to like her but really i hate her, almost everything there is to hate about her i hate about her. and its her fault. ive yelled at her before, but she just keeps coming back every fucking time. she has autism and no i do not hate her for that, chances are i have it aswell. but she self diagnosed herself the level above her actual diagnoses because she wanted to. self diagnoses memory loss aswell. i told her off about it two years ago and the topic has never been brought up again. every thing had to be about her. good friend j who i was talking about earlier did not know her back then but neither did E or one of my other bestfriends whose name also starts with J that i will change to K, they were lucky but me and A we were not. the attention, favouritism, special treatment just every thing an attention seeking kid could ever fucking desire. she was made of gold to some people. but really she was just a piece of fast fashion, popular for the wrong reasons, expensive and something that would make you throw up out of uglyness. not to call her looks to be un attractive but her as a person, disgusting more disgusting to the catholic church sometimes in my opinion, though i dont mean to offend, personal experience. even A has some feelings against her, So does K and i believe E but you good j which i will now reffer to as P from now on i have not been made aware of your thoughts yet, so as a group. after break we should talk. away from jess, im loosing the feeling of hunger anyways, so i will be fine.