Evan ripped his elbow out of Niles' grip.
“Evan.”
“No.” Evan said.
“I am on the same flight back as you guys. So we can talk now or we can talk later on the flight.” Niles said.
Evan froze. Leo looked back and forth between him and Niles anxiety written across his face.
“It’s fine Leo why don’t you go back and get all settled in. Take my bag up to my room and I will be there soon. Okay.”
Leo danced one foot around on the sidewalk, but then finally nodded. He trotted off and as he did his shoulders dropped a little.
‘I will have to deal with that later.’
“I'll be generous. You have one minute to talk, or I walk.” Evan said feeling not generous in the slightest.
Niles didn’t say anything. Which was just like him. He never talked or pleaded with him, he would wait for Evans' anger to dissipate.
“If you are waiting for me to calm down, there is no calming down this time. You bought my moms house!” Evan snapped.
Niles' arms wrapped around Evan’s sides, hugging him tightly, his stomach pressing into Evan's back.
The scent of mulberry’s that came from Niles shampoo wafted down into his space and it felt warm and familiar. And unconsciously he started melting into the back hug that was like home to him. Even after so long.
“I did it for you. It’s my gift.”
Evan bristled. “A gift doesn’t have strings attached to it, Niles.”
“I know. And this one doesn’t. This is my apology, my hope, my promise. It’s everything I said we would have. It will be waiting for us when we get back here. Always.”
“Us…” Evan asked.
He felt Niles suck in a breath near his ear and knew he was feeling happy. Maybe even a little smug. That feeling Evan used to make him feel all the time. That comforting feeling being able to make the great Niles Williams feel anything at all.
The past weighed on his shoulders heavily, as heavy as the arms around his waist. But yet, less comforting.
“Why…” Evan asked. His voice barely a brush of a whisper.
“I was foolish. I only thought of my career, what others would think. But I miss you. Can’t you see I want to make those dreams we dared to dream come true. I didn’t forget a single one of them. I know how much your future rode upon the waves of those discussions. I know the burden you carry all the time. Let me bring back the happiness in those walls. Let me give back what you lost. It is a gift. I promise.” Niles said.
“So if I ask you to leave, will you leave?” Evan asked.
Niles sighed.
Evans' bottom lip trembled. He sucked in a shaky breath to control it.
“It was inevitable. You and me. The future I longed for, there never was one. A future isn’t always planned but it's built up on trust. And there is no trust left here Niles.”
“I trust you, you are my sea, my ocean.”
“And you are my anchor…”
“Times up, Niles.” He said shoving his arms down and walking out of that embrace he wished so desperately he could stay in.
“I said you would see me again. We will have a two hour flight together. I am looking forward to it.”
Evan scoffed.
‘First my home, now I can’t go back to school without you hounding me… What is next? Are you determined to cage me?’
“We will have to talk sometime. And once we do those cracks will show. Because I know deep down in there you still love me. Or you wouldn’t have trembled when we hugged. You wouldn’t sigh in my embrace. Your heart wouldn’t still speed up as I clutch you tight.” Niles said.
“You’re right. But even with all of those things, even I know the poison loving you brings.” Evan interjected.
Evan turned and ran. Ran away from the home that brought him comfort. And the man standing behind him who once did the same. And a man he knew would take him in with open arms if he just turned around and folded. And that Niles…he could do so much more for him once again.
It was never the love between them that faltered. The love between them had never been lacking; it was never wrong. It was the fact that there hadn’t been enough of it to fill in the cracks that had blown them to pieces.
“Evan wait, wait Evan no come back please I'm not done.”
‘He followed me?’ Evan stopped running. It was a mistake. Niles caught him easily.
‘He never once followed me before.’ He thought.
His heart beat heavily, betraying it's own aching pain with every heaving breath.
History like theirs, it etched itself in every breath, in every beat of your heart that coursed through your blood in your veins. It rang in your ears and made your lungs burn. It was a kinda love people would die for. It was the kinda love people had died for.
And still.
He knew it wasn’t enough to fill in their cracks.
When wounds were as deep as oceans, a little string holding them together wasn’t enough.
Evan walked up the steps of Leo’s house, deflated, dispirited and wounded deeper than could be fixed in one weekend.
“I mean it Evan. I am not ready to give up on us. I know you are my person.” Niles called.
Evan sucked in a strangled sob, hoping it was quiet enough that he didn’t hear.
‘I know you are my person too…’
Evan walked into Leo’s bedroom just as he said goodbye on the phone.
“Was that Max?” Evan asked.
Leo looked him over, and held out his arms.
‘Hmm, I don’t have to hold him and assure him that none of this was his fault. Max is doing a lot of great things for my little timid otter.’
Evan fell onto the bed and into those arms. They were not strong, they were not brave, but they were familiar, they were home too. Because every time that he hadn’t been able to cry in front of anyone else. The one place he could go had always been Leo’s room.
“It doesn’t matter if you are nine, nineteen, or twenty-nine or one hundred and nine this pillow is always free if you need it.” Leo said.
Evan snuggled his best friend on the bed, turned towards the wall and let out tears for something he knew he had no right to feel anymore. But that he knew he would feel as an echo for the rest of his life.
Great love like this. They never tell you what to do when you find your soulmate, the one that is supposed to last forever.
But it doesn’t last forever.
What do you do with that hole then?
How do you fill in those cracks?
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