Evan stared blankly off into the void.
Leo cleared his throat.
Do you want to come down to dinner?” Leo asked softly. Into the darkness.
Evan had been cuddled up in his bed for what was probably hours, the sun had gone down and he hadn’t bothered to turn on the light. At one point Leo had left ages before it got dark, and he should have undressed, showered, unpacked his bag a little, done anything, but he had just stayed, glued to the bed. His heart wasn’t in anything. Moving, staying, going, eating, not eating.
Leo sighed. The door closed.
Evan sank back into the darkness, his phone buzzed. He picked it up and frowned.
Happy thanksgiving… Love Dad & June
Evan sucked in his trembling bottom lip and turned, covering his head with the blankets.
‘Yeah… Happy.’
Evan closed his eyes and his memories came flooding back to him.
↔️Flashback↔️
“Did you hear… That boy.”
“What! No way! Him… That kid.”
“Yeah, isn’t that disgusting leeching onto a grown man like that.”
Evan shoved his hands into his jean pockets and ducked his head down a little. The brim of the cap covered even more of his face.
He pushed open the door to Niles' office. Took a deep breath and let out a large sigh.
Niles looked up.
His eyes went wide.
“Evan!... What are you doing here?”
“You can’t come to my work.” He hissed.
Evan glared at him pushing his cap up until it fell off.
“So it's true. What people are saying.” Evan asked. He took a deep breath.
Niles looked down at the floor guiltily.
Evan scoffed, tears welling in his eyes.
“Two years. Is two years really so little? Can they really mean only this much?” He asked.
Niles stepped out from the desk and came around it.
Babe, I need this job. I have been working on this since I graduated. I can’t just give up. You know I have been burning this fire for years. I can’t just end it like nothing.”
Evan chuckled, “So.”
Niles groaned. “Can you not be so childish about this? It's only for a little while.”
Evan laughed. Licking his lips. “So until then… What do I get to be? The cute kid who fell in love with his Teacher Assistant and everyone looks at shamefully. Tsking under their breath, judging me, thinking it's too bad I am a bad egg.
Not the fact that we practically live together. Or the fact that you are my first time. Or the fact that you made the first move. It’s not a crime. I was seventeen when we started dating. How is it wrong?”
“Shhh. Not so loud.” Niles said, pulling him further from the office door and more towards the closet.
Evan scoffed. A tear fell down his cheek.
“It's a five year difference. It’s not even that much. Do I have to feel like I am a criminal? Do you? Why are you letting them talk like that? Why are you not just explaining things? We did nothing wrong.” Evan snapped, angry at Niles for his lack of spine.
“Evan… shhh. I understand you are upset.”
“Wait. unless.. Do you feel the same way as them?”
“No, of course we didn’t do anything illegal.”
Evan shoved Niles hand from off his shoulder.
“No, not that it's illegal. I mean the reason you are not saying anything is because you think it's embarrassing that you are dating me.”
“No.. Not really. I mean, you were my student. I was your teacher.”
Evan scoffed and slapped Niles hands away completely. He raised an eyebrow. The anger boiling inside of him.
He laughed. “You were not a teacher. You handed out papers, marked papers and pressed a button on a projector. You are just a teaching assistant. You don’t do anything. Stop acting more important than you are.
The fact that the rumors say I chased you and nothing else shows me just what you have been saying. I bet you haven’t stuck up for me. Not one time. What did you say I was just some kid with a crush?”
Niles looked at the ground and didn’t try to reach out to assure him he was wrong.
Evan laughed again, feeling like he was losing his mind.
“Oh, I guess you fucked your student so so many times”
“Evan… Shhh.”
The door slammed open.
Niles’s dad, the dean’s chancellor, his eyes darted between the two of them. He walked over and placed himself physically in between the two of them.
“You can’t be here right now.” He hissed at Evan, his dark gray suit shifting as he adjusted his belt and glared. Taking one of those ridiculous power stances using his body to block Evan from being able to come closer again. Evan let him.
“So this is your answer?” Evan asked.
Niles stood behind his dad not saying a word.
Even scoffed and smiled.
“Fine. That's okay. I've got no regrets, this is your answer. Well then this is mine, Niles. These marks you left on me, even if it hurts. I will never let them heal. I give up on you. You will never see me again. But you get to live with this stain you broke me. You broke a soul you supposedly loved.
You will never get to hold me again. You will never have my arms to hold you when you cry. Every whine, or sigh, every gasp and groan. Every treasured whisper, every sweet caress or kiss. Everything, I will never be there again all you will have is emptiness. If this is what you want. Then this is how it will go.
Let's play fair and end it here. I am not going to be your secret sidepiece you are too ashamed to love. Do you think I want your empty hugs, your empty words, your empty future. I don’t want any of it. Live with your stains, live with the knowledge you ruined something beautiful with your own two hands”
Evan turned on his heel and shoved open the door, bursting out of there. The door swung back and made a loud noise drawing attention to him. He smirked, glaring at every single person who looked at him. Meeting each one of their eyes in turn. He continued walking.
He knew those last words had hurt Niles badly. That Niles had said how much his parents had stained his life with red. How he didn’t want to have a life filled with pain and stains. And he knew for a fact that every choice of word he had just used hadn’t been lost on Niles.
He wished Niles would come out and apologize. That he would run to him and tell him he was wrong. That the past two years hadn’t all been lies. That the future could be theirs if they just stayed together.
But no running footsteps filled his ears. And his name never echoed through the halls causing his feet to falter and stop. Evan left the school grounds completely unhampered. And getting into his car and slamming the door, had never felt so utterly empty as it did right then. Evan drove home that crushing pain ached inside him, an overwhelming numbing grief, devastation hopeless, he wanted to feel it. But it felt so numb.
He stared at the apartment building for a long time before finding the courage to face the doorway to his home... His fingers halted slightly above the door handle but he let out a large sigh before turning it and walking inside. The energy sapped right out of him, as if the house had swallowed every good feeling inside it and were holding it hostage from him so he couldn't feel any of it anymore. was the wall always so oddly painted in that spot? The dust on the chandelier was disgusting. Had the place really always been this small. Useless things flitted through his head, maybe because the joy of the life together was gone, all that was left was the shell of reality. And it felt so draining. He looked at all their stuff they had together. There was only one thing that stood out, the black and navy backpack his mother had bought as her final birthday gift for him.
He grabbed the backpack and turned he walked back out and shut the front door of their apartment behind him with a weight that released from his chest. ‘It feels disgusting. I don’t need any of it.’ He thought and slugged the backpack over his shoulder and walked away from everything he owned.
He walked back to the car, got in and drove away. Turning the radio on, and rolling the window down.
‘I have enough stains without all of our stuff weighing me down. I will never let anyone weigh me down like this, never again.’
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