It's been a week since I had that strange dream, and also what happened in the backyard. I've been struggling with my own thoughts because I really can't classify my feelings about Myung...

I don't know what's going on with me or what I want...

It's as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff, staring at the ocean with its waves crashing the rocks beneath your feet, and there is a voice in your head saying, "Jump... Don't you wanna feel those waves?... Don't you wanna know what's deep inside this dark blue ocean? Let's jump in andfollow along with the flow... "

But I know it's inappropriate thing that I was thinking about Myung unintentionally in a way more than a patient...

This is the most immoral thing I could have probably done in my whole life. 

I have tried to keep my distance from him since then, and the reason was clear as day, "my whims can not affect my patient..."

~

Nonetheless, our therapy sessions seem to be going well these days, and Myung is sometimes cooperative with me.

However, the problem is that he can't express his feelings through a genuine conversation since he used to keep them inside all the time. Especially, he doesn't talk about his romantic relationship, which I assume is the most crucial part of this whole process.

For solving this problem, I got an idea last night to suggest Myung write down his words instead.

Since I couldn't give him a pencil or anything that might be dangerous, I found a secondhand, small typing machine that was easy to carry.

I thought it would help him pour out his complicated thoughts and feelings. 

~

When I arrived at the hospital in the morning, Miss Choi informed me that the president wanted to meet me in his office again.

Once my stuff had been placed in my room, I made my way to his office. I was incredibly awkward since that argument happened between us last time. 

I knocked on the door and stepped in, and then I said, "Did you call me, President Jeo?"

He stared at me and after a few seconds asked, "Did you take the patient who was supposed to stay in his room for the sake of his safety until his condition gets better, to the garden in the rain?"

...How did he find out!... 

I said anxiously, "I took him out with one of the guards. I thought it would be helpful for him to step out for a while."

-"Dr. Seo. You can't make these decisions alone. You should take my permission to do such things... We can't risk our patients' lives, right?"

+"I apologize, Sir. I'll be from now on..."

He then sighed and said, "Be careful and avoid trouble!!!... I want you to be more cautious as a professional person!... You may go now!..." 

+"Yes, Sir."

I left his room as anxiety ate me up the whole time I stood there, in front of him... 

Thank God, he didn't say anything about firing me again!...

That was a close call!...

~

I went back to my office and grabbed the typing machine in my hands with a few sheets of paper. I then walked into his room, where he was playing with his fingers in the air in front of the window to catch sunlight.

I joked, "Mr. Sunshine is lucky today since he got your attention~"

Myung mumbled. "He got all my attention once but then lost it."

"What a pity... If it were me, I'd have worshipped it so I wouldn't lose it." I muttered unconsciously as I placed the typing machine on his bed, not realizing what I was blabbering about.

In wonder, he turned to me and asked, "What?".

I flinched and glanced at him anxiously. "Haha~... Um~... Come here! I brought something fun for you!"

Myung approached me with a curious look, "A typing machine?"

I nodded excitedly, "Yeah! You can write whatever you like... Express yourself freely without fear... But, I should mention that you can only use it when I'm around. I can't leave it here."

"Okay~ but I don't know what to write~" He replied anxiously.

I grabbed his arms and led him to sit on the edge of the bed, then placed the typing machine on his lap. "Let your fingers do it unconsciously... I'm pretty sure you'll get an idea of what to write soon!" 

He stared at it for a while, and I sat in the armchair to observe him. After 5 minutes, Myung pressed the keys aimlessly until he started typing with a smile on his face. 

When he was done, he pulled out the paper and held it up in the air. "Here, I wrote a letter for you..." 

I got up and stepped toward Myung, "For me?!"

He nodded, "Yep!"

I grabbed the paper and glanced at it. 

The context of it was:

[Jajuebfkcowbwb....... ........ ahauwjebxje....... Hmmm...

Seo Dantae, stupid... Seo Dantae, Baka... Seo Dantae, Pabo... Seo Dantae, estúpido... Seo Dantae, stupide... 

You're annoying... and I hate you...

Fin... ]

My expression was completely speechless as I looked at him. Myung stared at me with a smirk on his face. "Why? Don't you like my letter?"

I pinched his cheek with my right hand, annoyed, "You just cursed at me internationally!"

He grasped my wrist, "Ack!... You told me to write whatever I want!"

  A voice in my head said, "He still doesn't take you seriously... All your efforts are in vain since He doesn't see you as his doctor... You were too optimistic that you thought you two were doing well..."

  Looking at his eyes, I leaned my palms against the bed as I sighed. "Do you hate me that much?" 

"Why are you acting so seriously out of the blue?" Myung asked worriedly.

I don't know the exact reason, but I felt incredibly upset...

I should come back to my senses...

We can't act like this anymore...

"I wanna know the answer," I said firmly. 

He averted his gaze as he laughed nervously, trying to avoid the question. 

  I stood straight while my heart throbbed in pain. "I guess this silence means 'yes'. I can change your doctor if you don't like to continue with me."

  He turned his gaze back to me, "Hey! I was just~... Joking~... Why are you mad?!" 

"I'm mad because you keep avoiding everything by making jokes. We can't get any positive results if you continue like this... 

We're not friends, Myung! You're my patient, and I'm your doctor!... There are some boundaries! I guess this is the end since you've never thought of me as your doctor!" I replied as I picked up the typing machine and walked to the door, frustrated. 

As I heard a loud thump on the floor, I looked back worriedly. Myung had fallen on the floor when he tried to follow me hastily. 

  He muttered, shaking in fear, "Don't~ Leave~ Me~... Don't... Go~..."

  Putting the things in my hands on the floor, I kneeled in front of him, reaching out my hand to him, "Hey! Didn't you get hurt anywhere? Let me see!"

  Myung yanked my hand away and glared at me with his furious eyes, "Why would you come to me when you'd leave me for a stupid reason?! Why do all of you do whatever you want to me, huh?! What about the things I want? This is unfair~ You can't leave me like this!!!~ What did I do wrong?~"

  I stared at him silently while he lashed out at me, and eventually, his tears flooded down nonstop as he whined more. My mind was filled with different kinds of emotions...

He was right... He didn't do anything wrong...

I'm the one who's wrong here this whole time...

I needed to stay professional... 

I needed to draw a serious line between us...

It's time to take further steps...

I shouldn't allow my feelings or Myung to control me as Jeo Jenny said...

I can't let him treat me as a friend or anything other than his psychiatrist... 

If Myung keeps doing that, it means his unconscious is trying to prevent me from reaching the depths of his despair, and this means we can't continue the healing path successfully...

I should be cruel so that I can break this barrier between us...

But watching him vulnerable like this breaks my heart~...

How can I ignore him when he's crying like an innocent child in front of me~

I wish I could've taken all of his pain for myself so he could live the normal life he deserves...

Tears fell down my cheeks while my hands were trembling as I was trying to hold myself back from not hugging him... 

Then Myung got close to me and wrapped his arms around my neck, sobbing, "Don't go~... (hic)... I don't hate you~... (hic) I was wrong~..."

My eyes widened, and I gasped for air as I felt his desperate embrace...

I thought as I clenched my fists while my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, "I'm indeed stupid~... This is not what I had expected~... But, how could I have not realized that these complicated feelings were love~... I really like him~... I want him... Dammit~... "

As I composed myself, I said, "I won't leave if you don't want~..." I inhaled deeply and continued, "But I want you to respect me as your doctor and take our sessions more seriously~" 

After a sniffle, he tightened his grip on me and buried his face on my shoulder. "Okay~ I'll~ I promise~"

"We're fine then. Anyway, can you let me go?" I said as I grabbed his waist to push him away gently. I couldn't tolerate my pounding heartbeat anymore...

But he didn't budge, "I~ Can't~... I feel~ I'll get a panic attack~ If I don't hold you now~"

I rubbed his back in circles, trying to calm him down, "Okay~ Let's take our time~" 

He clung to me, his face buried in my neck. I heard his heart racing while he was trying to control his breathing. We stayed in each other's embrace for a while...

Both of us were overwhelmed by things we couldn't control...

~

Mr. Interrupter entered the room at the wrong time as usual. I turned my head around and stared at him as he looked at us with squinted suspicious eyes. "Should I come back later?" He asked.

My face blushed as I got flustered, "No! You can do your job!" and then I tried to push Myung once again, but he groaned as he was drowsy yet clinging to me, "Don't~ Go~"

I asked Nurse Kim nervously, "Can you help me put him back into his bed? As you can see, he doesn't let go of me~"

Nurse Kim nodded and grabbed Myung's arm, pulling him away. He then placed him on his bed after lifting him up...

"Thank you," I said as I picked my things up from the floor.

"No worries. I'll stay here so you can take a rest, Dr. Seo." He replied while giving Myung an IV and injecting some necessary things. 

Then I headed out of the room, rushing back to my office. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, slipping down as I was overwhelmed.

"This can't be happening! What's wrong with this heart?" I muttered while clutching my shirt. I felt a weight on my chest. My breathing was laboured, and I started to hyperventilate. 

"You haven't fallen in love for almost 10 years of your life, Seo Dantae~ And now, you tell me that you're in love with the wrong person at the wrong place and time!!! I can't hate myself more than now~..."