Inside their luxurious condominium, a half-asleep Julian was watching his friend Ben pace back and forth in front of him. Ben nervously passed a hand through his curly hair, his light skin looking more golden with the dim yellow light reflecting on it. They kept most of the lights off, except for the one coming from the kitchen and the vintage light bulbs that were placed on the high ceiling. Julian had been the one to pick them out when they’d moved here. The previous ones had reminded him too much of his house back in New York, so he’d changed them for a more vintage look.

“Here!” His other roommate, Karim, held out a cup of tea for him. “Ben, sit down and let’s talk . . .” he said to the other boy.

“Thanks, Karim,” Julian said.

It was 3 a.m., and all he wanted was to go back to his bed. He had no energy to fight with anyone at this time.

“I am not sitting down, but yeah, let’s talk! If there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s being lied to by people close to me.”

“I did not lie to you,” Julian calmly answered, despite feeling his anxiety rising.

If there was one thing HE could not stand, it was arguing with the people he loved. He felt a sensation of déjà vu; how many times had he disappointed his father? His poor old father had to put up with his mood swings and unpredictable behaviour. Maybe with him away, life would be better for his father and his new stepmother, who was also Ben’s aunt. The latter was still ranting out loud.

“You hide something very important to us, call it whatever you want, but . . . you did manipulate us. I have been calling you all day to clear this up, and as usual, you didn’t answer. Why do I always have to be the bigger person here? . . . And you, Karim, don’t you dare protect him, as he owes us a big ass explanation,” Ben lashed out at both of them.

Karim shook his head, his dreadlocks following the motion of his head. He took a few seconds before speaking carefully, as he usually did in serious moments. “Listen, I am as confused as you are, but how about this: Tell us first what Mister Bradley told you, and then we will hear Julian’s side of the story. We’re brothers, so we can talk this out. So now, please, sit down with us,” Karim said, before drinking his tea.

Julian felt better with Karim sitting next to him on the sofa. Karim’s calm demeanor helped him feel less anxious. Feeling his throat becoming drier, he quickly drank his tea but strangely could not tell its flavour—that was how confused and trapped he felt inside. He placed the cup back on the table and unconsciously started rotating one of his rings around his finger, the one that used to belong to his mother. He always touched his rings when he needed to comfort himself, as if they could shield him from any adversity.  

“I need . . . Give me a moment,” he stuttered before quickly standing up to open the gigantic window, revealing the beautiful view of the night lights from the twenty-first floor.

Julian then proceeded to walk back to the sofa. Despite the warm light reflecting off his blonde ruffled hair and his white skin, he must have looked extremely pale because he noticed how Ben’s expression softened before he sat down across from the armchair.

“Mister Bradley called me this afternoon, and I found it odd because . . . usually, either Eleonore contacts us herself or she has her assistant do it. He wanted to meet me alone . . . We went for dinner, and . . . he told me that you have been stalking his wife and putting ideas in his son’s head . . . I defended you. I made it clear that Lucas is the one who reached out to us first and insisted on doing his internship at our start-up company. I even told him that . . . you had still been against the idea, and I was the one who had pushed for it because the kid is talented. Then he showed me pictures of you and his wife, and they were taken way before she hired us to redesign her space.”

“I am not having an affair with her!” Julian firmly stated with his deep voice, guessing what Ben was trying to insinuate.

“Then tell us . . . what are you guys doing together? It was not just one but several pictures of just the two of you hanging out. Dinner, shopping, walking in the park near her workplace . . . I’ve never seen you use your free time to hang out with clients. So please enlighten us. What is it all about?”

As he spoke, Ben threw down a pile of black and white pictures, slapping the low table made of black marble and glass. The pictures showed Julian and the woman in different settings: enjoying a walk in the park, sitting in restaurants . . . She was wearing sunglasses in most of them. Sometimes, she was holding his hand while looking concerned. She was smiling in one of them while he was pouring her wine. When he was not doing something, he could be seen fondly looking at her.

After closely looking at them, Karim now gave an interrogative look at Julian, who only sighed.

“If it was business related, we would have known about it . . . So, what was going on there?”

“It’s complicated . . .” Julian replied to Ben.

“I’m sure it is, Julian. But we have all night! I cancelled all our meetings for the day. Eleonore’s company is one of our biggest contracts, and her husband has a lot of contacts. I am not risking one year of work just because you want to bang his wife,” Ben accused him.

“Alright, Ben. Let him talk now,” Karim said.

Julian took a deep breath before speaking. “About three years ago, I had this argument with my father, and . . . he confessed to me the name of the woman whom . . . he blames for what happened to my mother. And . . . I started looking for her. I hired a detective . . .”

“You what? What the fuck, dude.”

“Ben, don’t interrupt him. Go on, Julian.”

“Thanks, Karim . . . So yes, I hired a detective to look for her. He found out that she had moved here, to Nitch City. So, when you spoke about leaving New York, the three of us starting Distrct8Deco and looking for new challenges, I suggested Nitchwillow . . . because I knew there were many opportunities out here. We tried our luck, and it worked out. Coincidentally, her company was part of the ones who became interested in our interior decorating services . . . I did not want to interfere, so I waited for you to first close the deal, and I only contacted her about four months ago. I called her first, and then we met . . . a few times, and we went on a trip once.”

“On a trip? With someone else’s wife? Dude, you can’t be ser—” Ben immediately shut himself up when he saw the reproachful look Karim was giving him.

“We just needed to escape the city for two days, so we rented a chalet and just talked. I learned a lot about my mother, and the crazy thing is that she feels as guilty as I do . . .”

“Well, she better. From what your father told my aunt, she agreed to be the surrogate mother and then pulled out at the last minute, knowing how sick your mother was. If she had done it, your mother would still be alive.”

“No, no, Ben . . . It’s not that simple. The real person to blame here is me.”

Silence followed this statement, as none of them dared to say a word. They watched Julian take his face into his hands, sniffling . . . breaking down.

Ben felt horrible and immediately went to sit next to him, passing a comforting arm around his shoulder. “Hey, look . . . I shouldn’t have judged you like that . . . and I know you keep blaming yourself, but your mother knew the risks.”

“I fucking killed her, Ben. I did it!” Julian slowly removed his hands from his face and shook his head. His eyes were red, and he looked out of it. Even with his close friends on both of his sides, he felt alone and miserable.

“Listen, Julian. We might never be able to fully understand how you feel, but we’re here for you. You don’t need to face it alone,” Karim spoke softly.

It was not the first time he’d broken down in front of them; they went way back and had seen him lose control of himself many times. Throughout his teen years and into his mid-twenties, they had been there. They had seen his outbursts during his episodes, when his father would call doctors to control him, and they’d watched these doctors inject substances into Julian’s body while he was on the ground, battling them and attempting to break free from their grasp.

Things had gotten better in his late twenties when he’d discovered a passion for writing and agreed to help Ben, whom had suggested they start their own business. Being busy had helped him a lot. Escaping New York and their upper-class social circle sounded like the best option to help him breathe, but neither Karim nor Ben would have ever expected to face a direct connection to Julian’s past in a new country. They were not ready for this, especially on top of being aware of their friend refusing to follow a treatment plan or take medication in order to control his mood swings. He hadn’t relapsed once since the last hospitalization, neither any manic nor major depressive episodes . . . He was fine, at least that’s what he had told them back then.

“Karim . . . No matter what I do, where I am or with whom . . . this feeling is always there . . . following me, eating me up from the inside, and . . . I am tired . . . I don’t know how long I can go on like this. And the fact that someone else feels the same because of me, makes me feel even worse . . . Eleonore has been blaming herself, when in fact, I should have never been born . . . I’ve tried so hard to be like you guys, to be carefree and just enjoy my life, but it’s always coming back . . . I did not hesitate to follow you here because my father deserves so much better than a troubled son like me. My two stepsisters are normal, so with them, he can finally enjoy the family life he has always dreamed of. He has worked so hard all his life. He deserves so much better than having to constantly worry about me.”

With his voice shaking through every word he pronounced, they could only feel his torment and strain. They both listened in silence. Ben still had his hand on Julian’s shoulder, as if he was scared of him escaping them forever.

“We did not know that . . . you were still feeling that. I’m glad you trust us enough to . . . tell us. I can only imagine how lost and in pain you must feel,” Karim carefully spoke.

“I did not know how to tell you . . . We have been killing it with all the contracts we’ve gotten. Things have been going so well, but I don’t know why this feeling never goes away. And being able to spend time with her . . . I feel connected to her in a way. She said that since she left New York, there has not been a day she has spent without thinking of me.”

“Eleonore is not your mother,” Ben bluntly said.

Julian only shook his head before standing up. “I know she is not my mother, Ben. I’m not that desperate if that is what you’re thinking of me, and I’m not trying to replace her . . . My mother is gone, and she will never come back, all thanks to me. I know that. I am just stuck with my fucking disorder, okay? And at this point, I’m just trying to not jump from this fucking . . .” He trailed off, looking out at the balcony, before calming down and lowering his head to take a deep breath.

Karim and Ben exchanged concerned looks. Something needed to be done . . . and quickly.

***