It was the day before the departure to Peru. Shawn had already been home, to pick up his stuff and to tell Will and Mom about his excursion, but returned to Manchester with a heavy heart. After he arrived at his dorm, he felt somewhat uneasy and lonesome. He felt the urge to blame his family for it, but he knew what he was getting into. He also knew this vulnerability would be exploited. He had no weed. No escape from the omnipresent demons and guilt.

The memories of Will’s wails as he held on to him, haunted him, “When are you coming back?” Will staring askance, with watery, heartbroken puppy eyes. “I’ll be back before you know it buds, no worries,” doing his best to comfort him. He knew Will would manage, and even if he didn’t, how much bad could really happen? The conversation with his mother, on the other hand, really bothered him. He walked up to his mother when she was cooking, stirring the boiling stew with an absent mind.

“Uhm, Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“You might want to turn that down a bit, don’t you think?” Shawn smiled.

“Oh, yeah, I was…”

“Thinking about Dad?”

She nodded.

“Mom, I honestly don’t think Dad is in any real danger,” he continued, “He is either out, doing some research, or he made a run for it, drinking his head to a pulp in a pub somewhere.”

“Shawn, look,” she turned to him, one arm on the counter, the other resting on her hip, “what if something happened? For you kids, it is always so easy to just do away with things. Did you consider something bad might have happened? Like… something really bad? What do I… what do we do if your dad had an accident? What if he passed out somewhere, or got robbed, or…”

“Mo—”

“How do we pay the rent, Shawn? It takes some time to find a job, even if I applied right now, the chances I’d be taken anytime soon are slim to none.”

“Mom l—”

She cut him off again, “We can get some support, but it will not suffice. Not with all the bills,” she pointed at the letters stacked on the kitchen counter. 

He didn’t know it was this bad, standing in silence, contemplating what to say next. Something to comfort her and himself. Should he even bring up the Amazon thing, now that it’s like this? No, he knew he had to. It was a done thing, he couldn’t back out anymore.

He took a deep breath, “Mom, look. I trust you, and I trust Dad. How many times has it been really bad already? And how many times did we make it out alive? All of them. This is no exception. Things may look bleak right now, but it is a long way from where we are to being homeless. If push comes to shove, somewhere on that timeline at least one of us will wake up and take initiative, if not you, then me.”

“Oh please, Shawn, are you going to provide for us? The indebted student?”

“It’s not whether I can, it’s whether I must. Am I supposed to just watch you guys go hungry? And I didn’t say now, but if the roof is on fire, then I wouldn’t hesit—” 

“C’mere,” she motioned him. He walked up to her and she pulled him into a hug, which despite his confusion he relished, but grew uncomfortable by the second. He took a step back.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“There is something I need to tell you,… there was this trip organized by the university… I didn’t tell you about it, or Dad, because I knew we didn’t have money for it, also… I couldn’t take any more loans, but… something crazy happened. I talked to the Prof, you know… Mr. S.?”

“Your supervisor?”

“Correct, so… he offered me a grant, to pay for it. I thought about it for a while, but… I just couldn’t refuse.”

“To… where exactly?” she frowned, raising her hand while posing the question.

“The…” Shawn looked from side to side, then down, “Amazon rain—”

“Bloody hell! Are you nuts Shawn?”

“Mom, it will be oka—”

“Did I feed you for twenty-two years just so that you can go and get strangled by a freakin’ monster anaconda in a freakin’ jungle? Have you completely lost your mind?”

“Mom, anacondas don’t just strangle people out of now—”

“How long?” she asked.

“I’ll be fine, we’re in a group, it’s all planned out, we have a ca—.”

“How long?” she cut him off again.

“Three weeks.”

Her eyes pulled wide open, taking a deep breath, nodding then pulling down the corners of her mouth, her arms folded on her chest.

“Okay,” After a short pause, she seemed to have made up her mind, “You know what? Fine, you go do your excursion, I’ll be looking for your dad who just went missing in the meantime. Don’t bother.”

“What could I do about it anyways? Why is it my responsibility when you adults,” Shawn drew quotation marks in the air with both his hands, “go and do something stupid? I finally got a chance to do something I always dreamed of, and then, I am supposed to sit here and do what exactly?”

“You’re right Shawn, go,” she said, but her tone the one of major disappointment. She turned back to her stew, which by now had a burned bottom, “Food is ready.”

Shawn stood there with a heavy heart, shaking his head, not really sure what he was expecting anyways, “I’m not hungry… thanks,” and buggered off upstairs.