His days became all of a sudden greyer when Jack moved out completely, and everything started one specific morning. It was that day, the day he was going to leave their apartment and Alan felt unwell, sick even, from the exact moment he had woken up. He hadn’t slept much, and he first thought that maybe it was something he had eaten that made him sick in the stomach. Yet,  when he opened his eyes and looked at his phone, his eyes quickly travelling towards the date, the 3rd of March, he felt nauseous again. It was no food that made him sick, it was a plain and simple light version of a panic attack. He had suffered of such a thing before in other circumstances, but this time it was different. It was the day Jack was going to leave him and he couldn’t help but frown and turn around in his bed, covering his head, wanting to hide in it, hoping somehow to make the hours pass slower by doing so. Needless to say, it wasn’t working, no it didn’t work at all. He sighed and sat up on his bed, ruffling his hair, come on Alan you can’t avoid this, no matter what you do.

The moment he got out of this bedroom he realized that, despite it being still early in the morning, someone else had been up even earlier than him. He ended up eating his breakfast all alone while he heard some ruffle sounds in the hallway, accompanied by steps going back and forth and the unmistakable sound of the little wheels of heavy luggage being dragged on the floor. He sighed and looked down at the plate in front of him. His vision getting slightly blurred. He had avoided being there to help the other, simply because he couldn’t believe it was all happening for real, he didn’t understand the reason for it, but he surely hadn’t questioned it either.

~

"I think I've gotten all of my stuff, in case something is left behind don't worry and throw it away...or keep it, whatever," Jack had started while standing, his bag in one hand, right in front of the entrance.

"Ok!" Alan replied, not very talkative for sure.

"Some of my food that was in the freezer is staying there, I don't know, since you don't like those you could throw them away or give them maybe to your sister," he kept talking, so cold, and serious as if he was reading some sort of to do list that didn't belong to him.

"Yes right the vegan things, Roger, gonna ask Sora to pick them up" he said faking a military salute, he hinted a smile but the other didn't even crack a bit his cold as ice shell, making him feel incredibly stupid. Fine, not gonna smile I guess.  Weird, very weird, Jack was usually very dorky when it came to jokes like those, but not today. Oh  of course today he had to be a jerk.

"I've left you some contacts on the desk for new flat mates, they were all interested in the room and they were ok with the price so contact them yourself and see who you like best, or if you maybe wanna look for someone else.." Jack said changing slightly his expression, his brows raised as if he had remembered something important, but really who the hell cared for a new flat mate? It seemed unreal that he was really leaving.

 "Oh right I was forgetting about this" he said putting his hand in his jeans pocket "The apartment keys, where was I going with these?" he added, placing the keys on the little cabinet that was right next to the door. Cracking a little smile for a second, if that had been a joke it was very lame, and no one was laughing. "Ok then, I guess…" Jack said, his tone getting lower as he looked down at his feet. He looked impatient, wow impatient to leave the house? He must have hated it there.

"Right," Alan muttered scratching his nape, it really was time to go apparently.

"Well stay healthy and have a nice time," Jack finally said breaking the moment of silence between them, he then took a step closer and did something very unexpected considering how the past week went. He got on his tiptoes and half hugged him with one arm, letting their cheeks meet for a short moment. Alan didn't really know what to do so he only stood there like an idiot, his hands itching a bit, uncertain if he should have hugged him back or not. It lasted a few long seconds, then Jack sighed and let go. It was a weird sigh, it sounded like a mix of sadness and resignation. Maybe he had wanted to say something, or maybe he was just glad he was leaving the house. Jack must have noticed the heavy atmosphere too... well he had created it.

They looked at each other in the eyes for a moment and then he watched as his friend opened and closed the door behind him.

    Alan stood there in the hallway, frowning. He wasn't able to realize what had just happened, but Jack was gone. He shook his head, there must have been something wrong. He walked few steps in the kitchen and looked at the cabinets, Jack's mug was missing, so was his set of chopsticks, his apron... weird. He walked towards the bathroom, opening the door he saw it immediately, his shampoo wasn't there, nor was his razor or comb. He was starting to feel very weird inside, nauseous and agitated as he quickly reached his friend's bedroom and opened the door.

Empty.

It was empty, the bed undone was just a naked mattress and a pillow, no carpet on the floor, nothing on the desk or shelf, the wardrobe was open and empty. Nothing. He turned around in that room and found himself sitting on the bed. He swallowed hard his saliva.

He was gone for real. He frowned. He couldn't believe Jack moved out just like that. But what bothered him more was the silence. Everything he could hear was the emptiness of the house.

All he could think of was how he didn’t hug him back. Maybe if he held him… maybe if he asked him to stay things would have been different.

~

    He was sitting on the couch watching a tv series and when the main characters said something relevant he turned around to look at his side, ready to say something when he realized he was alone. He furrowed his forehead, well, it had been a habit after all; them chatting while watching tv was something he really liked to do and he had got used to doing it. He tilted his head to a side and realized the series wasn't even that interesting anymore. "Whatever," he said as he switched off the television and stood up. But then his phone rang and he suddenly felt strangely excited as he opened whatsapp, only to find out that I was just a guy he had hooked up with a couple of days before who was asking him to meet again. He quickly typed in that he wasn't feeling well and threw his phone on the couch, sighing.

It had been nearly four days and Jack didn't contact him not even once. He had tried to type a few words to him, but every time he had deleted them and decided not to send a message first. He often checked if the other was online or had been online recently, and every time he found out he had been...Alan could only feel kinda disappointed. What the hell was that all about? They were friends, weren't they? So why wasn't Jack writing to him? Not even once. The last message they exchanged was from the night he had left. Alan had asked him if everything had been ok and he had simply replied that yes, he was fine and he reached his apartment safely. Stop. After that, he never wrote again.

    Alan had thought that maybe his friend needed to settle down first and that then he would have maybe sent him a picture of his apartment, or invited him over. They were bros, no? That was what bros did. But well no picture came and no message of any kind at all.

He was disappointed, of course, he was, and he felt annoyed because he still hadn't understood what happened between them. They never argued, at least Jack never told him something was going on, the only thing that had happened between them had been that stupid night.

He shook his head why would he be bothered by that? It hadn't been his fault at all, Jack needed to apologize for that, or at least write to him first. He was the one who sneaked in his bed and asked him to have sex, the only thing he had done was to say no. He had all the right to say no to such a thing, and he couldn't accept that someone he considered a friend used that as an excuse to stop talking to him.

"What if... what if being friends is not enough for me...not anymore?" he remembered those words vividly, but yet he hadn't understood the meaning behind them. What did he want to be? His best friend forever? He wasn't freaking Paris Hilton! Or maybe he meant he wanted to be fuck buddies? No way, he must have been joking, because they were so incompatible, so different, Jack was a simple guy, he liked to study and read, he liked videogames and staying home. He was thin and boring mostly. While him...he was a playboy, he liked to go out and have sex more than he liked to chat and get to know people. His ideal type was a hot handsome guy, he didn't even care much if they were smart or not as long as they sucked his cock the right way.

Jack wasn't his type of fuck buddy, also ew...they were like brothers.

He reached up and ruffled his hair nervously, sighing in frustration. "Ah, I don't care!" he said with a tired voice. He didn’t want to admit to himself that all his reasons for not liking Jack were very lame. He just never had a reason not to like him in a sexual way, he simply never did it. His phone buzzed again in between the sofa pillows and this time when he reached down to pick it up and saw another message from that guy from before, telling him that he was going to make him feel better, he quickly typed an "ok come over" and sighed soundly.

He was going to have sex that night so that he could have forgotten that weird feeling he had inside, a mix of anger and disappointment.

~

    Alan opened the door and met the mischievous gaze in his guest's eyes. Perfect, the guy simply wanted to fuck, he didn't look like he wanted to talk or to waste time on other silly things "Hey sexy" he heard him saying as he stepped inside.

"Hey," Alan replied before the other kissed his lips. It was a cold kiss, a quick one, a let's go to bed kiss. He didn't mind, he didn't really care either. He simply took the other's coat and told him to get comfortable. The guy, he didn't even remember his name, took off his shirt revealing delicious abs and then hooked his finger in Alan's jeans pulling him towards the bedroom.

Well compared to him this random dude had a very good memory.

They walked past what had been Jack's bedroom and he simply looked down before faking a sexy smile looking at the other. They kissed, they touched each other and they took off each other's clothes. It was just like every other time. He was in perfect control and when he sat on the bed and the other sat on him and started to kiss him, he already knew that the blondie had been fairly satisfied the previous time to come back to him with such hunger. He liked sometimes to let others do what they wanted, he especially enjoyed the show when his bottom of the day prepared himself, and the muscular and manly guy on top of him knew that perfectly, and did it all by himself. Usually, he would have been quite aroused by that, but he was just feeling mildly bored that night. Luckily for him, his erection didn't make the other wait and sprung up fiercely under the man's touches and steamy kisses.

It was right when the other's mouth was on him, that his eyes travelled lazily around and he focused on something on the other side of the bedroom. On his desk there was a bunch of keys with a very familiar key chain... a little lego block. They were Jack's keys. He sighed.

The man who was all busy sucking him off made a weird sound in contentment, probably thinking he had been sighing over his job, but the truth was Alan's mind from that point onwards went in a whole different direction. He started thinking about the situation he was in, about how he parted with his friend and somehow weird images popped out in his mind. It was almost as if he hadn't seen the other in ages. He remembered vividly his smile, or even the smell of his shampoo, and the only thing he could do was to fix his eyes on his desk while he fucked the guy, even if he didn't think about him not even once. He went on, straight to the point, no slacking, no buying time to look cool. He didn't care much about lasting long and making the other moan loud, he only wanted to take a shower and go to bed.

Luckily Henry, that was the man’s name, didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he didn’t care and just wanted to fuck with no strings attached. Alan hadn’t remembered the name by himself, it was while the other was dressing up to go back and they were having a very casual conversation, that he mentioned himself in third person, and Alan could only smile shortly at him. He didn’t care, but at least now he knew his name. Every time he brought someone home or he went to someone’s house he was always very clear. he wasn’t looking for something serious, and the men usually respected that and just left him alone.

Henry was the same, he knew Alan didn’t want to cuddle, nor to keep seeing one another so once he was fully clothed he kissed him and thanked him for the good time, smiling one last time when the door closed behind him.

Alan rested on the front door for a moment, his hand on it was the only reason he hadn’t flopped on the floor.

This sucks.