Agony

Jonatan took a pill. He rested his head in his pillow and closed his eyes. The anxiety approached him. In his restlessness, he somehow fell asleep.

Only a few hours went by before he woke up. He slowly got up. His heart was racing. The night was far from over and the moonlight was shining in his room.

Sighing, Jonatan left his bed and changed clothes. He walked outside his apartment with his coat and ventured the streets to meet someone a few blocks away. There was an exchange of sorts in the cover of shadows and Jonatan was on his way.

Later, the morning had arrived. Jonatan opened his eyes to the greeting of the sun. He looked at his phone and saw that he was late for work.

Not long after, he entered his job and went on with his work day. He was no stranger to lying and cheating in his field of work.

In the early evening, Jonatan was walking on the sidewalk, holding grocery bags. He was only a few more steps from his home when, suddenly, a young man accidently bumped into him. Some of the groceries fell on the ground.

"I'm so sorry," the young man apologized. "Let me help you with that."

"Mistakes happen," Jonatan reassured him. "Thank you for your help."

The young man and Jonatan carried the groceries up the stairs and into the apartment. 

"Sorry about the eggs," the young man said as he placed some groceries bags on the counter. "My name is Marcus."

"I can always get more eggs. I'm Jonatan."

There was a shape on the wall behind the tv in the living room.

"You live here by yourself?" Marcus asked as he looked at the cross.

"Yes. It's just me. The previous owner's kids drew some things on the wall. The owners then painted over it, but that area began peeling. I've been too lazy to do anything about it."

"Here take this."

Marcus took out his wallet and handed Jonatan some money to get the groceries he lost. As he handed him the money, he saw an open booklet with lyrics written in it.

"You write music?"

"Yeah. But that dream hasn't been going so well."

"I encourage you to keep trying. I think you have some good things here."

Marcus flipped through the booklet. "You struggle with depression?" he asked.

"Yeah," Jonatan replied. I also don't really have anybody, you know. It's just me. My parents passed recently and there is a lot going on with me that I don't understand."

"I see," Marcus replied.

"When I'm afraid, I lose my mind."

Marcus looked at Jonatan with a hint of sorrow. 

Jonatan noticed and said, "It's fine, it happens all the time."

"I see," Marcus replied.

With a faint smile, Marcus began walking to the door. "It was nice meeting you, Jonatan." He paused and turned to Jonatan. "I don't really know how to ask this, but, do you mind if I come check up on you from time to time?"

"I'm cool with that if that's what you want to do," Jonatan replied as he put milk in the refrigerator. 

"Gotcha. Well, I'll see you around, Marcus. Have a nice day."

The next day, Jonatan found himself stressed and uncomfortably cooped up in the house all day. From his window, he saw some kids flying kites. Loneliness crept in, so he decided to go to the park. He figured being around people as they enjoyed their day could help in some way.

Not long after, he was standing on a grass hill, watching some horses at a ranch in the distance. 

Someone approached Jonatan from behind.

"Excuse me, sir," a voice said. "Do you speak English?"

Jonatan turned and saw a young woman with bright eyes and a friendly smile. "Yes," he replied.

"I'm a photographer," she said. "Can I take some pictures of you."

"Sure, why not?" Jonatan answered.

"There is something mystical about this scene of you looking out into the distance as you are."

The young woman took a few pictures of Jonatan. 

After the last picture, she got beside him to show him.

"My name is Valentina, by the way," she said.

"I'm Jonatan. It's nice to meet you."

Valentina pointed to a picture she took with her digital camera. Jonatan's eyes were mid-way closed. "That's the best one," she laughed.

"Hey," Jonatan laughed. "I guess you aren't a professional."

"I most certainly am. In fact, I'm also in school for photography. I'm from France. School and photography are the only reasons I am here."

"How long are you here for?"

"A year."

"That's sounds fun. Why did you ask if I spoke English? It is mainly spoken in the United States."

"I asked four other people before you if I could take their pictures. Coincidentally, they were foreigners as well."

Jonatan and Valentina spent hours talking as the afternoon drew to a close.

"Do you have any family here?" Jonatan asked.

"No," Valentina replied. "I mainly just have my mom. She's back in France."

"Friends?"

"No friends either."

"Really?"

"I just have acquaintances. It gets lonely sometimes. Even when I'm back home in France. I have my mother, but I still get burdened with this sense of loneliness. Maybe you'll think it's silly, but that makes me feel scared. When I'm afraid, I lose my mind."

Jonatan remained silent.

"But don't worry," Valentina said. "It's fine, it happens all the time."

"I’m sure I can relate, Valentina."

"Jonatan. Do you normally come out here to watch the horses?"

"My father used to take me here. We would watch them together."

"Maybe I can join you when you come out here."

"Really?"

"Of course. You're my first friend here, after all."

And so began their friends. They exchanged numbers and text every day. The conversation was continuous and went on throughout the day. The months went by and they had done so much together. They went to the movies, visited the zoo, practiced French through video chats and in person, and more. 

It was in the evening when Jonatan and Valentina walked out of the movie theater. 

"I have never seen a movie so funny about dogs before," Valentina laughed.

"I realize that they probably show different movies where you live," Jonatan responded.

"Where to next?" Valentina asked. "Oh, I know! It's been awhile since we saw the horses."

Not long after, the two of them were sitting on the grass hill as the sun began to set.

Valentina looked into the sky with a faint smile. "Are you going to ever leave me?" she asked.

"Huh?" Jonatan responded. "No. Never. Of course not. We'll always be friends. Even when you go back to France. I'll always be here for you."

Valentina smiled. 

"Things have been hard for me lately," Valentina said.

"How so?"

"I want to tell you something. Something happened to me a long time ago that messed my life up. It changed me and I have never been the same."

Jonatan quietly listened.

"After what happened to me, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and Bipolar disorder. I have a difficult time controlling my emotions. I feel things so intensely. It used to really be bad. But now, I think I have improved a little since then."

"I've heard of those things, but I don't think I really understand them."

"I feel things so intensely at times, and my thoughts and thinking are negatively impacted. I can be impulsive sometimes and not make the best decisions. I get really angry."

Jonatan put his arm around Valentina's shoulder and said, "You're really strong, you know? You've been working toward overcoming something so overwhelming."

Valentina faintly laughed. "Thank you, Jonatan. I'm tired of being strong, you know?"

"I can imagine."

Valentina looked at her phone. "I have some assignments to work on," she said.

"Ready to leave?" 

"No. I'm having Jonatan times. That homework can wait."

"I've been meaning to ask you. Do you know any other languages?"

"Not really. Nothing fluent. However, a long time ago, I was looking into this interesting language from the east. I forgot just about everything about the language, except for one thing. The literal translation of how they say 'I love you.' In spanish, when you say 'you are welcome,' which is 'de nada,' it literally translates to 'of nothing.' Similarly, with that eastern language I was studying, when you translate 'I love you,' it literally translates to 'I adore you, the sound of your skin.' Isn't that funny?"

"I adore you, the sound of your skin?" Jonatan question.

Valentina giggled. "Yes. I adore you, the sound of your skin."

"That is quite interesting," Jonatan smiled.

Later, the two said goodbye and Jonatan went home. It wasn't long before dread seized him. To ease his torment, he did what he always did and took some drugs. 

He became intoxicated. The moonless night was blanketed with dark clouds and it began to storm.

The rain poured mercilessly. Lightning flashed. Jonatan was in the middle of his living room, looking at the cross right in front of his eyes. He began to hear noises from behind him. He turned around to look at his furniture. Suddenly, a flash of lightning and rumbling of thunder turned off the lights.

Jonatan stumbled around through the darkness and found some matches. He lit his only candle and sat it in the middle of the floor. 

A spark of lightning got his attention.  He looked outside. The window appeared to reshape itself into a smile that looked friendly, but felt malicious and malevolent. 

Sitting next to the candle, tears fell from Jonatan's cheek. "Is this what life amounts to?"

Morning arrived.

There was a knock at the door.

With much difficulty, Jonatan got up and noticed little scratches and bruises on his body that he did not put there. 

He answered the door.

"Hey," Marcus greeted.

Jonatan muttered a weak hello with groggy eyes.

"I know, I know," Marcus said. "I know you weren't expecting me until later in of the day, but I wanted to come early."

Marcus looked Jonatan up and down. Then he looked at the counter.

"You haven't thrown out that pizza we had from last week?" Marcus responded. 

"Eh," Jonatan answered.

Marcus began cleaning the counter. Soon he heard sobs.

"Jonatan, are you okay!"

Jonatan fell to the floor and cried. Marcus went and kneeled beside him. He rubbed his back.

Jonatan expressed the things he had been feeling in depth and explained his restless nights. 

Marcus listened.

"It seems you are oppressed," Marcus said.

"Oppressed by what?" Jonatan asked as he got himself together. 

"Nevermind that for now. I have something I want to tell you. I was hoping things would clear up and that I wouldn't have to inform you."

"I'm listening."

"It was in remission, but it came back more fierce than it ever was before. The doctors are certain that I only have a few weeks."

"No. Marcus. That can't be right."

"I know. But that's not what I want to focus on. That's not exactly what I wanted to share. This earth is a beautiful place. And aside from what people do to it, their are some really beautiful things out there. There is also so much design and purpose. You can easily see the handy work of the Creator in many things: the sun for light, the moon and stars for the night, the marvel of the human body, the way plants work, the mother and her baby. These are only a fraction of the beautiful things we get to observe and be a part of. But our time is limited. We all have to die. And the reason for that is because we have sinned. At some point in our lives we have broken the Creator's laws by either lying, stealing, lusting, hating someone, being unfaithful, intoxication, abusing and mistreating another person. We have at some point done some of those things and more. A just human judge would see to it that justice is served and that a lawbreaker is punished accordingly. How much more the judge of the universe? After death, we are judge for the acts of our life. In court, the good things you do don't cover the crime. A thief still has to be punished for his crimes, no matter how many old ladies he has helped cross the street or the charities he has donated to. The same is with God, He cannot be bribed. We are without excuse because we know we do bad things.

"But God is rich in mercy and doesn't have joy in the perishing of the wicked. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son to live a sinless, perfect life, undeserving of death, and willingly give it up to be a sacrifice, payment for our life of sins against God. It is God's free gift to us and can be received by repentance of sin and faith alone in Jesus. You put away your sin and old life and live for God in freedom from sin and gratitude for what was done for you. When you sincerely do this, God will change you and help you live righteously, like Jesus. We show that we truly love Him by how we live our lives."

"Why are you telling me this?" Jonatan asked.

"Because I am about to face that reality," Marcus said. "If I were walking the wrong way, wouldn't you tell me?"

"I think I understand what you mean."

Later in the day, after Marcus had left, Jonatan was alone, and he decided to apply what he had heard to his life and believe.

He went through his stash and threw away his drugs and psychedelics. He trashed perverted magazines and deleted inappropriate pictures from his phone. 

When he got to work, he would no longer lie to or cheat his coworker or customers.

Three days later, Valentina called Jonatan and reminded him that she was leaving in a few weeks. She wanted to see him and spend as much time with him as possible, but she was out of town for an assignment. Jonatan insisted that he didn't mind traveling two hours to see her, so he did.

He arrived to the hotel.