i don't really know why i did it. i'm happy now, or at least i think i am. but pills taste nice, i think they fix the empty feeling. nothing hurts for a little while, but i'm destroying rory's life. maybe downing the whole bottle will make that easier to deal with.

shit

i woke up to the sound of crashing from the living room. i thought for sure that od was going to kill me, but for some reason it fucking didn't. i heard cursing and yelling. i didn't want to go out there, but then i realized it was rory and as much as my head hurt, i felt like shit for putting them through this again.

"rory?"

"shit, you're awake."

"what's going on?"

"well," they laughed menacingly, "funny you ask. i just had a very great time going to get shit for you because you tried to fucking kill yourself again." i could hear the anger and frustration in rory's voice as they spoke. it was clear that they had been deeply affected by my actions, and i couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt wash over me.

"rory, i'm sorry-"

"no, don't you dare be fucking sorry because the government doesn't accept 'sorry'!"

"what are you talking about?" i asked, confused by their mention of the government. it seemed like there was more to this situation than i initially realized, and the angrier they got about it, the more they scared me.

"i went to go get stuff to help you! i left because you needed help so you wouldn't fucking die, and the goddamn government assholes decided it was a great time for a patrol, and of course they saw me! they chased me for blocks; i scraped my arm on a brick wall; i'm so fucking pissed off at this goddamn country!" before i could even process their words, their hand was around my throat, and my body was against the wall. the way they looked at me scared me, but i didn't move. before i knew it their lips were on mine and they wanted to hurt me. in that moment, a surge of conflicting emotions overwhelmed me. fear and confusion battled with a strange sense of desire, clouding my judgment. as their grip tightened, i found myself torn between the instinct to fight back and the inexplicable allure of surrendering to their aggression.

they kissed me deeper; i couldn't breathe. this was the best high i've ever fucking felt. i wanted more. i wanted them to hurt me. i wanted them to do whatever they wanted to me. they left scratches on my back in desperation, and i could feel the blood drip as their hands wandered elsewhere. i wanted to kiss them harder; i wanted them to use me; i wanted them to fuck me until i couldn't walk.

without their lips leaving mine, they undressed me completely and slammed me harder into the wall. their fingers traced down my body. they stopped kissing me to look me in the eyes. i could see the desperation in their eyes, and i know they could see it in mine. i would have begged them, but words no longer existed.