Dineo 

It has been 2 weeks since I last spoke to Menzi, according to Zandi I am a miserable mess and iI should call him. 

I can't, not because I am stubborn, partly because I am stubborn, but I kind of understood a little bit that he might not want to see me because of what he said that night. 

We had agreed that no strings attached, but we had broken that rule a long time ago, we spent way too much time together for it to have stayed intact. 

I miss him, I saw him come online on Whatsapp, and he was always typing, but no message came through. I thought about texting him too, but I just don't know what to say to him. 

I held my mother's hand, being here made me to relax just spending some time with her, but not this time, her presence did not soothe me and bring me peace instead I was more anxious than ever now. 

My phone rang, and I could not believe what the caller ID wrote as I answered, “Hi.” Menzi said on the other side of the phone.

His voice made me weak and all my anxiety disappeared right at that moment. “Hi.” I said back. I heard him breathe through the phone, probably because he is as nervous about this as I am. 

“Where are you?” He asked. 

“In the hospital.” I have told him about my mother but not beyond the word that she is sick and is in hospital, and he never pried. 

“I can fetch you.” 

“Okay.” I said, and he hung up. I never realised how much I missed him until he called. 

He came an hour later, the sun was starting to set as he took me to an ice cream shop, and we sat in his car in silence. I was nervous being around him after so long, I wanted to kiss him, explore his body after so long without his hands on my body.

I have spent nights pleasuring myself, but it never came closer to what intimacy I would feel whenever I am with Menzi, but right now it doesn't seem like the right moment, not when there is so much tension around us that is so thick it can be cut by a knife. 

“About that other night,” He said in a low voice, not looking at me as he stared at his ice cream that is halfway finished. I cleared my throat, I didn't want this to be awkward. “It's nothing.” 

Menzi looked at me with disappointed eyes, but he quickly masked his face and nodded, “Yeah, it was nothing.” He said, sitting up straight, “Brian was right, we are friends with benefits, and it’s best we leave it at that.”

I don't know why my heart stung like that when he said those words, it almost made me cry. I swallowed back the tears and nodded, “Yeah, let's leave it at that.” I said, stabbing my ice cream with the little plastic spoon. 

He dropped me off at my place after we went to get takeaways, he didn't even come in not even when I insisted, and he didn't even come out of the car to kiss me like he usually does. I stood at the door with my lips pursed together as I waved him goodbye before getting inside. 

I threw the takeaway on the table and tears burst through like flood gates. There was no reason for me to cry, but my heart is hurting so much that it makes me sick. I lie on the bed curled like a ball as I cry.

If I didn't know before now I would have called whatever the feeling I have disappointment, disappointment of not kissing him or hugging, but I knew that I had fallen hard for the one guy who has never been in a relationship before, how stupid can I be? 

He told me at the beginning that no strings attached and like an idiot I agreed, and now I had feelings for a guy I was never supposed to fall for. 

It was never supposed to get here, I was never supposed to fall, but I did, and it is too late to go back to the past and walk away from him the very first time he spoke to me. 

My heart broke all over again as I thought about what he said, “Yeah, it was nothing. Brian was right, we are friends with benefits, and it’s best we leave it at that.” 

Those words felt like a hard pill to swallow, and I had no choice but to swallow it.