I could barely concentrate on any conversation with Andrew, I was left confused after I saw Menzi.

What was he doing here anyway? How did he find me? I thought I would never see him again, but I did, and I don’t even know how to feel about that.

I was starting to feel happy, and I was actually starting to like Andrew and well now everything has changed, all of my feelings are mixed.

I don’t even know if I was happy or sad, but what I felt was beyond anything I thought I would feel.

I thought all the feelings I had for him were all gone, but boy was I wrong? All the feelings I thought I had buried came rushing back, seeping from the little cracks, and now I am engulfed by all the feelings I thought I would never feel ever again.

I munched on the Simba snacks with my feet curled up on the couch.

There was one thing that came into my realisation, and that is I had always missed him, it is just that I had become so good at hiding my feelings.

I shiver as I recall how he said my name, calm but full of authority, not even Andrew could make me feel like that.

I felt terrible after Menzi left, because all I could think of was him and wondered how he was. If I didn’t know better, I would have said he was doing okay except for the bags under his eyes.

I missed him.

There I finally acknowledged it, I missed him so much, and I am tired of pretending not to miss him and using Andrew to make me forget about him, which clearly did not work. I still think of him whenever I am alone in my bed, I think about him whenever I am with Andrew, he is all I can think about even when I try not to.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that we were just taking it slow and there was no need to rush, but I have always known that there was no connection between us or maybe Andrew tried to hope that it was there, but I could not hide it any longer.

A knock pulled me out of my thoughts, I put on my slippers and went to the door and Menzi was there, no longer in his suit and now that he was standing face to face with me, I could clearly see the hurt in his eyes as he looked at me.

“How did you find me?”

He shrugged as he leaned against the door, “It doesn’t matter.” He said. “I missed you.” He said, stuffing his one hand in his pocket.

I shook my head no, making him stop talking, “You don’t get to miss me.” I said, trying to hide the pain in my voice, “You are the one who sent me that flimsy SMS, so don’t dare start with I miss you.”

He nods, casting his eyes on the floor like he does not want me to see that my words cut him deeper. “I know.” He said, shifting his weight from leg to another, “I was scared.” He said now looking at me, “I was scared to open up. I was hurt one too many times, and I guess I was scared that it would happen again. I lo,”

“Stop, don’t you say those words. You don’t get to hurt me like this and then think that you can come back whenever you want, just because you can.” I said “I cried for you for so long and when I think I am finally getting over you, you come back why? I won’t lie to you, I miss you, so much that it hurts, but I can’t be with you.” The words cut deeper each time I said them, but it was what needed to be made happen for the both of us to move on, “You go and work and work on yourself, and I’ll do the same as much as it hurts me right now, please go.” I didn’t wait for him to turn around and leave before I shut the door on his face.

I went back to the couch and cried, it felt like a new wound had opened up, leaving me gushing with blood.

As much as it pained me to say those words, it is something I needed to do, at least for me, so that I can be able to move on and forget about him.

I stayed on the couch with me hugging the cushion as I cried for all the times I had dared to hope that he may come back and save me from the heartache I was feeling at the time and maybe convince me that he did not mean what he said, but now it was a little too late for him to come back now and try to work out 2 months of damage that he had caused.

I wondered so many times what I would do when he showed up, and in my mind it had all gone differently than what just happened.

I thought I would have jumped in his arms and told him how much I had missed him but after seeing him all of the pain that he had caused me came rushing back to me. And oh boy, it hurt so much. The pain that kept on coming which hurts so bad, but I knew that I had to feel the pain for it to leave me alone.

I have to try to make it work with Andrew, he was, after all, a good guy, and a good guy is what I need now.

I have tried the bad guy who made my toes curl, look where he got me. He left me broken and sad.

I owed it to Andrew to at least try to make us work, maybe he is what I need.