Today I made the mistake of going to the bathroom during 6th grade passing time. Kids who look like they just got out of first grade started flooding the halls as I ran back to my history class. Sadly, the only gender neutral bathroom is on the first floor so I have to climb my way up two sets of stairs to be free of the toddlers.

    My friends had drawn on my arms during lunch, mostly to calm me from the panic attack I had on the bus. There was a surprising lack of genitalia save for two very proud penises and a pair of tits on my arms (one of the penises was changed into a face to not get in trouble).

    The whole day I was thinking about how next year I get to leave this dump. I won't be able to talk to my friends or my band since I'm going to a charter school but we'll still be in contact. And since the school is for people on the spectrum specifically it definitely will soften the giant axe to the head that will be my highschool experience.

    And despite my perfectly fine and normal yet chaotic day, I still feel empty, like someone hollowed me out and carved out all my organs but instead of dying I'm just sitting there, doing nothing but existing. Sometimes when I feel this way I can lay down and let the feeling be there and it can calm me, I can exist in peace and feel this strange quiet feeling. But other times I feel an overwhelming pain from it. Emotions are what make us humans, right? If I constantly have no emotions, what am I? And, I know I HAVE emotions, and I feel them deaply, but, they're always just for the moment, I feel like the feeling's always lurking, and when nothing distracts me it jumps onto me and clings like Ryder and Gabby do when they see me in the hallway, but it's not a good, sweet hug, its as if it is holding me and stroking my hair to comfort itself. As if I'm a doll or a twisted pet, no real emotions or thoughts. It's strange, it's like it changes its mood, changing what I feel with it. It's weird, feelings are weird.