“Welcome to Turn the Page,” I called from the back when I heard the shop door open.

“Yeah well I used to work here so there’s no real need to greet me,” Ocean called and I nearly knocked over the pile of books sitting on the small table next to me.

A month after Cove’s accident, Roe had moved out of my apartment, staying with friends from high school. Stephen and I were still close, now simply best friends and it was wonderful for us. He’d met a beautiful woman named Marianne and they’d gone on a few dates, Maddox staying with me when they did. My parents had assumed I’d feel jealousy over this but all I wanted was to see my friend happy and it was clear he was.

Cove’s accident had left no damage behind, the reason he had been unable to see after was due to swelling in the brain. He was entirely fine now, other than some left over bruising on his chest from the seatbelt.

Ocean had regularly walked past the bookshop, wanting to come in but would notice I wasn’t alone and kept walking. He had apologized to me via a note for telling Stephen about my scars and teeth and while I had forgiven him for that, I was still avoiding him at every turn, angry with how he had treated Roe who had quickly become my friend. We spent time together with Stephen, all of us going to lunch a few days a week with Maddox in tow.

“Is there something I can do for you?” I yelled, refusing to move from behind the shelf.

“Talk to me.”

“What is it you need to talk to me about?”

“Why are you acting like you hate me?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Avoiding me. Refusing to answer my calls and texts. I know I messed things up, but we’re best friends, Hyacinth. We know everything about each other,” Ocean came around the corner and I stared straight ahead, knowing his deep blue eyes would pull me into a conversation I didn’t want to be having right now, “I missed you.”

“Yeah I missed you too. Should have come home earlier. Should have done a lot of things, Ocean. But you didn’t. So you’ve lost me.”

“Did I really? Did I honestly lose you, Hyacinth? Or are you telling me I did because you don't want to be having this conversation?”

“I don’t know anymore!” I shouted, tossing a book down, “fuck! Stop it you’re confusing the hell out of me and I promised Roe, Nix, Stevie, and Cove I’d stay away from you! You are so fucking bad for me, Ocean. I froze,” I turned finally and looked at him, “I froze for years waiting for your stupid ass to come back and love me. But you didn’t! You didn’t care! I dedicated an entire book of poems to you. They were about you! My love for you. But you,” I shoved him in the chest, tears streaming down my face, “you don’t care about me. Don’t even lie and say you do. Because you… you don’t anymore. I can’t do this. I can’t be your friend. It hurts. It fucking hurts me. Why didn’t you just love me? Why did you ruin everything by being fucking stupid! If you hadn’t kissed me back then none of this would have happened. Get out of my shop! Get away from me!”

“Why do you always try and run me out of your life? I know what I’ve done to deserve this. I truly do. But I apologized. We fixed it! You abandoned me! You never replied to my calls. My emails. My messages. None of it. I wrote you letters. Thousands of letters and they always came back to me! Why?”

“I never got anything from you!”

“I know,” Phoenix called from the cafe, walking in quickly, “because I got rid of all of it like I was asked.”

“Nix?” I whispered, my entire body freezing, “why would you do that? You’ve… you’ve been lying to me for years…”

“I’ve been protecting you. From him. From the pain being around Ocean causes you. From the chance I’d lose you. I knew everything. That Ocean was going to marry Roe. That he was moving back. You just got better, Cinn. I was… only planning to do it for the first year he was gone. When you truly started getting help. Then your eating disorder took a nosedive and I got scared. So I continued blocking everything, sending the letters back. That’s why I always hide the mail. I’m not the only one doing it. We all are. Our parents. Andy and Eddie. Cove. We’ve been protecting you from Ocean for years. All so we didn’t lose you. If he had called a year ago and told you he was getting married to Roe you would have lied to all of us that you were happy and tail spun. You weren’t fully stable yet. But you are now. You made friends. You can do things alone. I’m not worried anymore. I was actually about to start letting the letters come in. The emails. All of it. Because I knew you could handle it finally. Then Ocean came home. Kind of stole that plan.”

“I… can’t believe you’d do that to me,” I whispered, a tear rolling down my cheek, “you… gaslit me into thinking Ocean wouldn’t come back. That he wasn’t trying to get through to me. That was never your choice to make, Phoenix. None of you should have done this.”

“You need space to grow! You needed to be alone for a while and learn to be an adult.”

“No! No it wasn’t a decision you should have made! I… fuck you, Phoenix. Fuck all of you honestly. Leave me… leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Not right now.”

“But… I did it for you.”

“No!” I shoved him as hard as I could in the chest, “no you did it for you. You all fucking baby me. Treat me as if I can’t take care of myself! I’m an adult too and deserve to be treated like one! Yeah I might have wanted to die for years. I might have ruined my teeth from the amount I made myself vomit. But I handle life fine without you around. I did it when you were in college I can do it now!”

“How? You live here. You work here.”

“I’m rich you idiot. I have so much money from my books. I’m moving out. Ocean, stay the fuck away from me too. I’m done. I’m done with all of you. I can’t… believe you’d do this to me,” grabbing my phone, I called Sparrow, my hands shaking, “Pa? I’m closing the bookshop. I won’t be here so don’t come looking.”

“Hyacinth? Hey kid what’s going on?”

“You… all lied to me. Hid everything. I’m so fucking done. What kind of a family does this? I thought we were close. You’re supposed to be my best friend and you hid letters. Told me you hadn’t heard from Ocean. Why? Why do this to me? No. Never mind. I don’t want to hear it. I just thought you should be aware I’m leaving. Don’t call the police, I'm not missing. I just won’t be around for a long time. Goodbye. I love you.”

Hanging up, I locked the bookshop door and shoved past Ocean and Phoenix, running upstairs to pack as much as I could into two suitcases and a backpack. They had both chased after me but I refused to acknowledge their presence, tossing my bags down the stairs. 

“Hyacinth? Hyacinth you’re never this impulsive where the fuck are you going?” Phoenix tried to grab my arm and I smacked him away, “stop it just talk to me.”

“No. I’m leaving for a while. You wanna talk about hiding things? I own an apartment. I’ve owned it for a year and a half. I planned to move there once you got married since Cove wants to take over the bookshop and I wanted to branch out anyway. I’m moving to my home.”

“But where?”

“Manhattan.”

“N... New York? That’s…” Ocean stuttered and I glared before I had a sudden idea and once again took out my phone, dialing a number.

“Hello?” Roe’s cheery voice came through, “I’m with Stevie! The salon isn’t going to be able to open for a while if at all the building is awful so we’re going shopping. Wanna come?”

“No. Have you found a new place?”

“You sound angry. Um no I’m probably going to crash at Stevie’s for a while.”

“Wanna move out of Idaho with me?”

“But Stevie…”

“Will understand why I’m doing this if I explain. I told you both about my apartment. He was encouraging my move and we promised to visit each other a few times a year anyway. Talk everyday. So do you want to come to Manhattan?”

“I… no. I adore you, you’re my best friend. But I want to stay here.”

“Okay. Love you. I’m moving I think.”

“Okay. Call me later and tell me what the hell happened. I love you too.”

“Bye.”

Tossing my phone onto the counter, I stood there staring at the bags at the bottom of the stairs when the front door opened and Sparrow came rushing in with Thomas. I immediately spun on my heel and ran into my bedroom, locking the door behind me.

“Hyacinth!” Sparrow knocked rapidly and I entirely ignored him, laying down on the bed, “baby please! Please talk to me!”

“No.”

“Baby! I don’t understand what you’re so upset about! Why are you running away?”

“Why did you throw all of Ocean’s letters away? Why did you hide that he was trying to contact me?” I sniffled, finally starting to cry.

“Because… because I… oh Hyacinth.”

“You haven’t let me into the conversation,” Ocean’s voice boomed and I gripped my pillow, “Hyacinth don’t be mad at your family. Be mad at me. Because I asked Phoenix to hide my attempts until they knew you were whole and healthy. I didn’t… think about you acting so violently right now. I’m so sorry. I was being selfish. I loved you so deeply I didnt want to be the cause of your pain. But I made it worse. I don’t know how to do anything right but I want to try. I want to make it better. Please. Please I’ll do anything! Just don’t be mad at your family. Come out here and beat the shit out of me. Whatever you want. Just don’t leave and don’t hide away. What do you want me to do? I won’t lie to you. I never have.”

“Did you cheat on Roe?”

“Yes. When I was young. Because he wouldn’t be intimate with me.”

“Did you cheat when you were engaged?”

“Absolutely not. I honestly thought I loved him. But I didn’t.”

“Why did you shout all my personal business at Stevie? I trusted you to keep it to yourself.”

“I was angry. That I was losing you again. That you refused to even try to be my friend again since I’ve been back. That was terrible of me and I’m incredibly sorry.”

“Why didn’t you just come home earlier?” I slowly sat up, walking over to the door and pressing my forehead against it.

“My degree program was so intense that I couldn’t. There was no time.”

“Ocean… how do I learn to forgive you? For leaving me? For making my family hide your attempts? For the pain?”

“Can you?”

“Yes,” I whispered, laying my hand on the door, “I can.”

“Open the door, Cinny.”

My heart lept at his gentle tone, the use of my nickname from all those years ago. Hesitantly, I turned the knob, my hands shaking. Ocean and Sparrow were on the other side, both their faces covered in tears and I stared at Ocean, unsure what to do.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m so sorry. For leaving. For the pain. For choosing everyone over the one person who truly cared for me. But you scare the fuck out of me. You’re so… well to me you’ve always been so perfect. So beautiful. Gentle. Sweet. Funny. I can’t compare to you. So I didn’t try. I gave up. Walked away and… that was the opposite of what I should have done. I should have fought for you. For us… I’m sorry Hyacinth.”

“I know,” I whispered, “I know you are.”

“So what do I do?”

“I want a letter. Of every bad thing you’ve done. Everything you’ve wanted to tell me. I don’t care if it’s 300 pages. I want to know it all. If it’s something I can forgive then I will. We can start over. If not. You have to respect it. My decision to live without you. Roe is my best friend now. I made him a promise. To not be with you now that you aren’t together. I won’t hurt him like that. He’s a good person.”

“I know. I can do that. How long do I have?”

“A month at most.”

“I’ll only need a week.”

“Then I’ll be waiting for your letter. It better fucking make it to me this time, Phoenix. This is the last thing I’ll put up with from you. No more hiding things from me to protect me. I'm doing well. I'm fine. So no more. Promise me that.”

“We promise,” my family answered at the same time and I nodded.

“Good. Now please leave me alone.”

“Alright,” Ocean ran a hand through his curls, “I can do this. For you. You’re worth that.”

“I know I am. So earn my friendship back if you truly want it.”

“Yeah. I uh… really like the new confident Hyacinth.”

“They’re pretty great, I know. Please just… let me be.”

“We can do that,” Sparrow hugged me gently, “I’m so sorry. We just did what we thought was best for you.”

“Yeah. I know. I forgive you.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I won’t. Not yet.”

“Good.”

I’ll learn to forgive this.

I have to.

For my family.

For myself.