Just as Noa had said, we arrived back at his estate early in the morning. Noa continued to hold Benu as he led me throughout the estate and away from the harem. I realized too late he was dragging me to his room, any excuse I could’ve used already long since useful. I bit my tongue, even if I could come up with an excuse, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have to resign myself to whatever it was he planning to do, whether I wanted it or not. That’s what it always boiled down to, him doing whatever he wanted regardless of my feelings.

          He put Benu in a makeshift crib of pillows and blankets by his bed, before forcing me into it. Noa practically collapsed on top of me, pinning me into the mattress, and causing my jewelry to dig into my skin. Trying to push him away or squirming out from under him only made him put more of his bodyweight against me. I was trapped until he decided to wake up or rolled off me in his sleep. This was better than any other alternative I could think of, at the very least. I decided the only thing I could do was sleep, and shut my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t remember any of my dreams.

          I woke up sometime in the middle of the day, Benu now curled up by my head and Noa in the same position as before. I tried once more to push Noa off of me, or maybe wake him up enough he would mindlessly move. Instead, he let out a small groan, and rubbed his cheek against mine, going back to sleep. I willed Benu to wake up and start crying, to wake Noa and give me an excuse to go back to the harem. The one time I wanted him to wake me with his incessant whining, was the one time he wouldn’t do it.

          I was stuck with my own thoughts until I fell asleep again or could finally move. I felt nauseous at the threads that worked their way through my mind. Things I already knew, things I would regret, things I didn’t want…it didn’t matter. Anything negative reared its head. What was I thinking cheating on Noa? It wasn’t like a had any sort of emotional attachment to him, but he was my owner in this stupid world. If he found out and wanted, Aya’s desire of sending me to a brothel would come true. It wasn’t so simple as breaking up or getting divorced here as it was in my old life. I was stuck with Noa until he lost interest with me. Making sure he still continued to find me valuable to him was the only thing that should matter to me. Once both of his children were weaned, and if the second was a son as well, would he still have any need for me? Would he give me the luxury of living in the harem like all his other wives, or have I been too much of a pain to him for him to give me that right?

          If it weren’t for Noa’s chest pushing against mine every time he breathed, or something I didn’t wish to think about poking my groin, I would’ve believed he died. I had no reason to think that the forces of the universe would be so kind to me. I let out an irritated sigh, turning my head to look at Benu, only to find he was gone. As much as I wished he was whisked away somewhere, if he became hurt or lost, Noa would hurt me. “Noa, wake up.” I attempted to knee him in his shin. He didn’t move or make a sound. “I’ve lost Benu!” I said with as much fake fear in my voice as I could muster.

          He pushed himself up to his hands and knees, eyes flying open, then closing as they rolled back in his head. I slipped through the opening as he proceeded to wake himself up. I stretched my back and shoulders as I looked for Benu, finding him thankfully still in the room, but staring out at the garden from a window. I picked Benu up, my one surefire defense from anything Noa may do to me. “Did you find him?” Noa’s voice was gravelly, head now half buried in the crook of his arm, the pillows all pushed to one side of the bed. “Come here,” he said after I asked if I could go back to the harem. Away from him was better while I continued to think about how stupid I was. Still, I went over to him, hoping it would speed up giving me his permission to let me go. “The reward.” He went quiet for so long I thought he fell right back to sleep with his eyes open. “What do you want?”

          I had completely forgotten his mention of a reward, or something to that effect, if I kept Benu from crying during dinner. There wasn’t anything I wanted than to be as far away from him as I could possibly get, which he was certainly not going to allow. “I want to go home,” I eventually said. I didn’t care if his understanding of my home was this Ny’yom’a. From what I could gather, it was somewhere on that smaller continent, and if I were able to give him the slip, I’d never have to see him again. It would mean forgoing the protection of the temple in Iy’kka, but distance is what mattered to me more.

          “I’ll think about it.” His eyes closed, and I left him, sneaking off before he decided being awake and pestering me was the better of the two options.

          Benu began to struggle in my arms the farther I walked from Noa’s room. His hands were stretched past my head, and he made a squeaking sound that reminded me of mice. It dawned on me what it was he was complaining about, and I checked his wrists for the mouse, only to find it gone. I retraced my steps, staring at the floor as I did, making absolutely sure I ignored Noa once I made it back to his room. Benu reached his hand towards the window I found him at, and felt relief wash over me when I spotted it on the floor. I looped the tail around Benu’s small wrist while he tried to grab it from me and gnaw on it.

As I tried to make my way to the harem a second time, I was stopped once more, this time by Noa who was now very much awake and very much half naked. “Where are you going, Sae?” He balled up the shirt in his hands and tossed it by the door. He dug around a chest, pulling out a white shirt. “Stay with me,” he said. “Until dinner,” he added as I made a face. “You still smell like that market and it’s irritating me.”

He put his new shirt on, tucking it into his pants and redoing his belt. “Couldn’t I just take a bath?”

Noa grabbed my wrist before I could step out of his reach. “And smell even less like me?” He flattened down some of Benu’s hair. “It’s only a few hours. Is it that terrible I wish to spend time with my wife?”

“I…have to talk with Ku’e.” It was the only excuse I could think of, and I prayed he would accept it.

He pursed his lips for a moment. “She isn’t going anywhere, vii’ta.” I tensed up at what I knew was coming. “I can decide on your request this moment—” He paused at a knock at his door, reluctantly letting go of me to deal with whoever took his attention from me. I honestly thought about jumping through the window while he was distracted. It was lower than the rest, but smaller. Before I could decide on it further, he turned around, a letter in his hands. “The Su’a’s summoned me.” He clenched his jaw as he pulled clothes and jewelry from different chests. “You may go, Sae. For now.”

I practically scampered from his room, going quickly back to the harem. The other wives surrounded me like jackals, but I preferred to deal with them than with Noa. They wanted to know every detail of our trip to Iy’kka, and I told them I would share later. Whether or not I still wanted it to be an excuse, I wanted to talk to Ku’e. I saw white ears perk up as I called for her, women parting to let her through. She hooked an arm through my free one, leading us outside to talk in the gardens.

We sat in the grass, the sun a few hours to the horizon, still sweltering hot. I told her what had happened between me and G’wala after I promised her not to tell anyone. I felt I needed to get it off my chest, and Ku’e didn’t give me the impression she’d run her mouth to Noa the first chance she had. “You’re…not with his child, are you?” I told her I was pretty certain it was Noa’s, and she let out a relived sigh. “I hope for your sake it is Noa’s,” she said. “There are…other wives with illicit affairs, Sae. No children can come from these or…” She mimicked slicing her neck with her finger. “Though, I doubt he’d hurt you. You look too much like Malawashi.” I wanted to tell her all he’s done is hurt me. Instead I asked how that would help me. “It was love at first sight for Noa, I’m sure. He said she was the one who’d produce his heir. But Aya…” She rested her head on mine. “Aya was a political marriage, and he would’ve been content with just her…but she had stillborn daughter after stillborn daughter. The more wives he married, either from love or for trade deals, had daughters or…couldn’t conceive.” Her hand went to her belly, almost as if searching for something that wasn’t there.

“I’m sorry, Ku’e.” It was all I could think to say.

She picked her head up, smiling. “There’s no need to be sorry, Sae,” she said. “I may not be able to give Noa children, but I’ve found a purpose in life.” She stood and helped me to my feet. “He really is kind, he just forgets the bigger picture at times.”