“So,” I smiled at Thélio as we sat at the dining table on the back deck after deciding to eat dinner outside, “I’m… not great at small talk,” I laughed, “never mind.”

“Ah you want to ask things, yes?”

“Yes,” I nodded, taking a sip of my wine, “but I’m not really sure what to ask.”

“Let’s see. I went to fashion school in New York. Did you attend college?”

“Oh! Yes I went to a community college in Boise. I’m an accounting major. I have a bachelor’s because I did it online for Boise State so I could keep working full time at the bookstore.”

He initiated the questions because he knew I was awkward.

How wonderful you are.

“What is the name of the bookstore?” He smiled, taking a bite of food, “oh it’s hot wait a moment I wouldn’t wish for you to burn yourself.”

“Turn the Page. I don’t know what it was called before that.”

“I like it,” Thélio giggled, “it’s unique.”

“There’s a cafe connected to it by an archway. It’s essentially one big building. My parents own both. Sparrow runs the bookstore and Thomas runs the cafe. Phoenix, Cove, Ocean, and I worked for them starting at about fifteen. I can’t work in the cafe so I stuck to the bookstore. I loved it.”

“Loved?” Thélio tilted his head and I sighed softly, looking over at the river.

“My life is so boring, Thélio. I do the same thing everyday essentially. Get up, make a smoothie, exercise, get ready for the day, open the bookstore with Sparrow. Then we just work. I write sometimes if inspiration hits. Have lunch in my apartment above the bookstore, go back to work until Sparrow and Thomas leave, then back upstairs to write or watch movies. Spend time with Stevie and Roe but they’re a couple now so it’s rare we actually go out and do anything together. They mostly just sit in my apartment with me. I’m just… lonely and feel like everything has stagnated. But I’m also terrified of moving. I don’t know anyone and I’m not great at doing things alone because of my vision. I can’t cook, I can’t drive. A lot of things that would make me an independent adult, ready to head out into the world… it’s been stolen from me and I didn’t realize how badly it would bother me until a few years ago. I was born like this,” I gestured to my eyepatch, another sigh escaping me, “so I’ve never known different and always overcame obstacles because of it. But I’ve reached a point that the massive obstacles in my way are simply impossible and I have no idea what to do about them anymore. Also I’m sorry. This isn’t what you wanted to talk about.”

“But it is,” he shook his head and gently touched the back of my hand, “you have sadness in your face. I wanted to know why. I was worried.”

“You barely know me,” I laughed.

“Does that mean I am not allowed to worry why my new friend looks so sad?”

“I suppose not.”

“Tell me. What would you like to do with your life?”

“I’m not sure. I need more inspiration. I want to have fun. Not be stuck in this cycle. This is the first trip for fun I’ve taken. Ever. I only travel for my interviews and things.”

“So you wish to travel more then?”

“Yes. I suppose I do.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Crippling anxiety and being unable to get around most places,” shrugging, I started to eat, my eye growing wide, “Thélio, this is amazing.”

“Obrigado,” he nodded, smiling, “I usually make better food than this but we are a bit limited. I will show you one day.”

“How? After the wedding you’ll be in London and then who knows where.”

“Ah. Well. Does that mean our friendship has to end? My traveling for work and all that?”

“Of course not.”

“So I will cook for you again,” he hooked his pinky through mine and I stared at him, “I promise.”

“I believe you,” I whispered, my face warm.

“I’m glad that you do. It makes me happy,” he took a small bite of his hood before nodding, “it is good. I can make better.”

“I can’t wait to find out. I wish I could cook for you but seeing as I can’t. My specialty is smoothies.”

“Oh! We are here for two days after the wedding, yes?”

“Mhm.”

“How about we cook dinner together the day after? We can get the ingredients and I will help you.”

“I really can’t use a knife, Thélio. I don't have the best depth perception.”

“I have an idea for that, do not worry. Trust in me a little.”

“I do…”

“Good,” he laughed softly, drinking his wine before nearly dropping the glass onto the table, “Hyacinth. Look,” he whispered, pointing to the river flowing next to us, “veado…”

“Oh a deer,” I giggled, “look how beautiful she is…”

We watched the deer bounce around near the river for a while, two more joining her followed by a fawn, the sun setting behind them more beautiful than a photo.

“What a lovely night,” Thélio happily sighed, “better than I wished.”

“Really? You get to go to beautiful countries, visit fancy places and this is what you wished for?”

“Sitting on a deck watching the sunset, enjoying good food and better company somewhere quiet? Yes. This is what I wish for.”

“What’s stopping you from having those quiet moments? I understand with your career that you can’t have this constantly. But you could make those quiet moments even if it’s in a hotel room or a rental house like this one. So, Thélio. What stops you?”

“Wonderful company,” he shrugged, finishing his wine, “I am very private about myself. I don’t often meet people I like being near. Oliver and Sebastian were about it. Until now.”

“Me?” My eye grew wide and he patted my hand softly, “but… why?”

“I don’t know yet. But I will work it out. Do you… enjoy being around me too?”

“I… yes. Very much so,” I swallowed thickly, hooking my finger around his, “but you’ll leave soon and so will I. I won’t hear from you anymore. So I’d like to enjoy ourselves the next few days before we go our separate ways.”

“I have an idea. Give me a moment,” he let go of my hand and headed inside, grabbing his phone from his pocket as he did.

Who are you calling?

I pulled my legs up, resting my chin on my knees as I checked my own phone, finding a few texts from Sparrow gushing over Thélio.

He’s beautiful.

I know.

“Hyacinth?” Thélio smiled, still on the phone as he poked his head out of the back door, “when is your next press tour?”

“In a month. I have to go to Japan and South Korea. Why?”

“Hang on,” he repeated and went back inside, pacing the living room.

What the fuck is happening?

Nervous, I began to clean the dishes up, stacking everything together as well as tossing the napkins in the trash. As Thélio was still on the phone I did not head inside to take the dirty dishes, a mix of not wishing to interrupt as well as my anxiety getting in the way.

“Alright,” Thélio hopped onto the deck with a giggle, “how impulsive are you on a scale of 1 to 10?”

“A four.”

“Do you have an updated passport?”

“Of course I have to.”

“Do you have anything holding you to Idaho?”

“Just my job and parents but we’ve already discussed my plan to move at some point. My friends are probably moving to Florida anyway and my brother is about to move out.”

“Are you willing to leave the day after the wedding and go to Idaho? Pack a few suitcases?”

“I’m confused,” I tilted my head, staring at Thélio as I gripped my sleeves.

“Come with me.”

“Where? Inside? It is getting cold.”

“No silly,” he reached over and took my hand, squeezing gently, “come with me to London. Then I’ll follow you to Japan and Korea. I was verifying my schedule for the next few months. We are going to Japan at the same time. I can make time to come to Korea. Be impulsive… Come with me.”

“Thélio…”

“I know. I’m crazy and you’ll probably say no. But I’ll buy your tickets. You can come with me to the show I need to do. Take tomorrow to see how you feel being around me more. At the wedding. As my photography assistant. The reception. Tell me tomorrow night. I’ll book a flight immediately and we can go to Idaho. I’ll meet your parents so they understand while I am being very impulsive, I’m not a bad person. Talk to Oliver and Sebastian about me before the wedding. Find out more about who I am outside of what I tell you. They know me better than anyone. I want to show you pretty things, give you that chance to see the world you wanted. Travel with me. It will be fun, I promise.”

“But I… I can’t really afford to do that.”

“Can you not?” He tilted his head and I chewed my lip, “you are lying to me.”

“Yeah. I did. I’m sorry. I have a lot of money from my books and working in the shop for years. I’m scared.”

“Of? I mean I understand and do not think I don’t. I’m crazy but it… I…” Thélio refused to look at me again, his gaze moving everywhere behind me.

“I’m worried you’ll abandon me in a different country if I upset you,” I whispered, hanging my head, “getting hurt. I know we’re friends now. I’m not good at making those and I’d rather not lose one I’ve managed to make so quickly. But we’re strangers for the most part. I barely know things about you. Shooting off to another country on a whim isn’t something I’m known to do. It scares me. I don’t want to be left behind again.”

“We have all night,” he whispered, squeezing my hand gently, “I already do not sleep much. Stay up with me for a while. Talk. Learn what you need to make your decision.”

“Let me… let me go in my room and call Oliver first. He’s home alone because he agreed to not see Bas the day before the wedding. I’m sure he’s bored so give me… give me a bit and I’ll rejoin you in the living room.”

“Alright,” he finally made eye contact again after I raised my head, “whatever you need to do. I will be waiting with snacks and a warm drink. Make sure to wrap up, it is cold inside.”

“Yeah. Yeah I will.” 

We headed into the house and I made my way down the hallway to my room, throwing myself onto the bed after closing the door.

What the hell am I doing?

Why am I considering it?

Am I that desperate to not be left behind after Ocean?

It’s been years.

I’ve healed.

We’re friends again.

So why am I like this now?

My phone started to ring on my chest and I lifted it, surprised to see that the person calling was actually Oliver.

“What?” I answered, climbing under the blanket as it was freezing in my room.

“Jesus, is that how ya greet your friends?”

“Sorry. Just had a… conversation with Thélio and my mind is scrambled.”

“Talk to me.”

I explained everything Thélio had brought up, my feelings about being abandoned but the absolute fear of change that this would bring. Oliver listened intently, something he had done every time I called and I was grateful for his friendship and advice, knowing he wouldn’t judge but rather guide me in the correct direction.

“Hyacinth. It sounds like ya want to go,” Oliver sighed, “and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Ya always talk about how ya wish you could find someone that would travel with you, someone that can guide you properly and ensure your safety. It would have been me if we’d met at a different point, ya know that. But it can’t be. I promise you, if you put just a bit of faith in Thélio, he will take care of ya. Never let anythin’ happen to you. I think ya should do it.”

“But my parents will freak out…”

“Maybe. But you’re 24 now. Not 16. You’re allowed to make decisions for yourself. Do it for you. Not because I’m tellin’ ya to. Thélio is an amazing person. Why do ya think I put you together on the plane or in the house? Because I knew how good you would be for each other. Ya both need more friends and you live a life that allows you to be a part of his. I did it for both of ya. I want to see you smile and stop talking about Ocean all the time. Ya still do it. Just because he’s back in your life kind of don’t mean he’s healthy for ya. I’d rather ya weren’t around him at all.”

“Before I make any decisions I feel like I need to be honest with Thélio. I’m a mess, Oliver and he needs to know that.”

“You ain’t a mess, Hyacinth and I won’t listen to ya talk about yourself that way. But ya have trauma. Everyone does. If ya feel ready to share with Thélio then do it but be… be prepared to learn his too. Remember, everyone has gone through something. We don’t judge, right?”

“I’ve never judged anyone.”

“I know. You were surprisingly okay with Bas’ past.”

“Well. Who am I to judge how someone uses their body? If it helped him feel good and safe, then that’s what I care about. I’m just glad he has you now. But if you’re bad to him, I will steal your husband.”

“No ya won’t. Ya ain’t that kind of person.”

“Whatever,” I laughed, “I’ll see you early tomorrow with Thélio okay? Get plenty of sleep. Is my baby there?”

“No, Auggie went to my parents with Bas.”

“Rude. Is my other baby?”

“Stop calling my son and my dog your babies.”

“Never! Kiss Aldo for me, I miss him.”

“I will. Be open and brave. I know ya can do this.”

“Thank you.”

“Always.”

We ended the call and I climbed out of bed, wrapped myself in the comforter and headed back to the living room where I found Thélio lighting the fire, a few bowls of snacks and two mugs of something steaming sitting on the table.

“Hi,” I called gently.

“Hello,” Thélio smiled hesitantly at me over his shoulder, “do you feel better?”

“A bit. For now anyway. I’d like to… talk about who I am before I make any decisions. Learn more about you… okay?”

“That’s what I was wishing for too,” he nodded, sitting on the couch after I did, “I made tea. I always drink some before bed. And a few of the snacks you wanted.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, taking one of the mugs to warm my hands, “listen. I have a lot of… issues and I… it’s painful. But it’s important you know to understand who I am as a person. I want you to understand first that I have healed. That I’m whole and taking care of myself.”

“I am glad,” he nodded, sitting back, “please know that no matter what, I will not judge you. Anything you want to share, I will listen and do my best to understand. May I ask questions if I need to?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“And when you are done, I will share as well. About myself and what I have gone through. Then we decide what we wish to do from there.”

“Alright,” I took a sip of tea and set my mug on the table before slowly pulling my eyepatch off and tossing it down, “I’m ready then…”