Content Warning: NSFW (not explicit)

It was late evening, day three of the record-breaking, definitely-not-supernaturally-induced snow in. Four hours into the blackout, Shen Dan’s house was cold enough to see one’s breath in—if seeing were even possible, given that the living room was pitch-dark.

Amid the collapsed rubble of a pillow and quilt fort, two men huddled together on the cramped couch for warmth.

Shen Dan casually snaked an arm around the back of Mikhail’s head.

To distract from the tension—what tension! This is a perfectly tensionless set-up for the sole purpose of staying warm—Mikhail decided to continue making progress on the bingo sheet. Since he had chucked his own phone across the room after his call with Holland, he pulled up the Netfloops app on Shen Dan’s phone and started playing a Christmas movie at 4x speed.

As the scenes flew by, Shen Dan’s eyes kept drifting. He started toying with the zipper of Mikhail’s jacket with a finger.

Are you a cat?! Pay attention to the damn movie!

Time passed. Eventually, Shen Dan’s phone had three percent battery remaining. Because they had successfully blasted through three movies, the bingo sheet in Mikhail’s pocket graciously checked off the square for “Christmas movie marathon.”

【DING! DING! TARGET GOAL COMPLETE - THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION】 

Injected with a low-dose of hope, Mikhail couldn’t help but smile.

Only when his scalp began to prickle did he pause. He carefully checked out of the corner of his eye. Sweatdropping, he realized something…

Shen Dan was staring at him.

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It wasn’t long ago that Mikhail dreaded being stared at by Shen Dan. Usually in those cases, Shen Dan would seem to be evaluating him from all angles, making Mikhail feel like he was a subpar cut of meat being sold for a too-high price. To top the whole experience off, Shen Dan would then flash the smallest smile, dish out some needling comment, and walk off without another word.

Exhibit A: “Mikhail, when do you plan on getting a haircut? Since I can never see your eyes, how should I know whether you’re listening to me or not?”

Exhibit B: “Mikhail, go wash your mouth with soap. Seeing you reminded of that person again…”

Exhibit C: “Mikhail, eat more. At this rate, you won’t even survive the end of your PA contract. Didn’t you say you wanted to live ten—no, a hundred-million years?”

But to be honest, being stared at by Shen Dan these days wasn’t so bad. Ever since he was under the (false) impression that Shen Dan had beat up Holland at the mall’s ice-skating rink, Mikhail had even come to secretly enjoy his banter with the third-rate actor scum. For that matter, Shen Dan had come to his rescue that day just like the eight-year-old him had come to the rescue of five-year-old Shen Dan two decades ago.

If that wasn’t fate, then what was?

Shen Dan’s phone was down to one percent battery. Cozied up with their legs entangled, Mikhail inspected Shen Dan’s face by the light of the dim screen. His heart began to race.

Somehow, deep down, he knew that this time was different. There would be no smallest smile, no needling comment, no walking off without another word.

He wasn’t just a subpar cut of meat in Shen Dan’s eyes.

But then, what was he?

As if to answer this stray thought, Shen Dan leaned in closer.

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, badumbadumbadum—

Mikhail felt the world around him grind to a halt. The game of bingo, his fears of dying, his regrets for this lifetime all dissolved.

The person reflected in Shen Dan’s eyes, staring back, was not a good-for-nothing wastrel, was not a personal assistant, was not a childhood rescuer.

It was just him, Mikhail Li.

A colony of butterflies, having migrated across vast oceans, rolling plains, and interminable deserts, seemed to have set up camp in his stomach, dancing and darting all over the place.

Could it be Shen Dan… actually liked him?

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The moment this thought buzzed into his brain, Mikhail efficiently whopped it to death with a fly swatter. He took the same fly swatter and obliterated the colony of butterflies in his stomach.

Shen Dan liking him? Totally impossible. Besides that, Mikhail felt strongly that someone selfish and ordinary like him definitely didn’t deserve to be liked by someone so cool, competent, and composed as Shen Dan.

“Shen Dan,” Mikhail laughed nervously, pressing his sweaty palm against Shen Dan’s face to divert the man’s gaze, “don’t stare. You know, a person can easily get the wrong idea…”

With the stubbornness of an ox, Shen Dan pushed his face past Mikhail’s hand. He pressed his lips against Mikhail’s cheek and smiled.

The heat of Shen Dan’s smile, the weight of Shen Dan’s hand on his chest, the tenderness of Shen Dan’s arm encircling him, the pull of Shen Dan’s eyes—these things engraved themselves onto Mikhail’s DNA, seeming to answer everything.

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Meanwhile inside Mikhail’s near-empty brainpan, his one remaining neuron, fried beyond repair, smashed its fist down on a big red button. Lights began to flash, accompanied by the wail of an air raid siren. A voice called out over the loudspeaker:

WARNING. WARNING. EMOTIONS OVERHEATING. PRESSURE LEVELS UNSAFE. ENGAGE FAILSAFE.

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Shen Dan continued nuzzling Mikhail’s face. When he finally spoke, Mikhail must have felt a ticklish vibration: “What ‘wrong idea?’ Don’t tell me, Mikhail, you expect me to read your mind? Are you the PA, or am I?

No answer.

Shen Dan: “Then, let me guess. Your feelings for me—”

He was interrupted by a loud snore.

Shen Dan moved backwards. To his surprise, Mikhail’s eyes were closed, mouth hanging open with a river of drool coming out. He was “snoring” so loudly and so fakely, he sounded like an industrial lawn mower.

Shen Dan: “…”

This lily-livered coward actually dared to pretend to fall asleep!

A fire seemed to light in Shen Dan’s eyes. Shifting his hand up, he brushed his thumb against Mikhail’s lips, tracing their contours in a small, slow circle. Mikhail’s forehead crinkled for a brief moment before falling back into the perfect semblance of relaxation.

“Falling asleep in the middle of such a sincere conversation, I’ll take it as a compliment since my voice must be soothing. But this works perfectly. Since you’re asleep, Mikhail, I’ll let you in on a little secret.”

Mikhail, unable to help himself, wiggled in anticipation for a brief moment before he fell back into the perfect semblance of relaxation.

“The truth is…” Shen Dan said, lowering his voice to a whisper.

Mikhail, straining to hear, craned his neck for a brief moment before he fell back into the perfect semblance of relaxation.

“The truth is, I’ve seen the bingo sheet in your pocket—”

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Mikhail’s eyes flew open in a panic. When he launched this scream, Shen Dan’s thumb, which had been rubbing his lips moments before, popped directly into his mouth.

Shen Dan’s phone had finally run out of battery, but rather than darkness, Mikhail’s vision was populated with bright red pop-ups. In his ears, the System blared in alarm:

【WARNING! WARNING! CONTINUING COURSE OF ACTION WILL RESULT IN BREAKING TERMS AND AGREEMENTS - HOST (Father Motherfucking Christmas) WILL BE FORCIBLY DELETED FROM ENVIRONMENT IMMEDIATELY】

Mikhail was struggling to speak with Shen Dan’s thumb in his mouth. “Pleathe, Shthen Dan, d-don’t thalk about the bimgo—”

“Or what?” Shen Dan asked, his voice teasing. “Something bad will happen?”

Mikhail spat out Shen Dan’s thumb. “N-n-no way, that would be totally, completely unrealistic hahahaha! B-b-but, I mean, hypothetically speaking…”

【ABORT COURSE OF ACTION IMMEDIATELY - ELSE, HOST (Father Motherfucking Christmas) WILL BE DELETED IN 10… 9… 8】

Mikhail kicked his legs, 100% freaking out: “Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! I’m dying!”

【WARNING! WARNING!  7… 6… 5…】

Thanks to his flailing, the ruins of the pillow and quilt fort were hemorrhaging pillows. To stop Mikhail from falling off the couch, Shen Dan was forced to immobilize him by wrapping him in a blanket. Once Mikhail had been turned into a taquito, Shen Dan then sighed, “You are very energetic tonight.”

Mikhail’s heart was pounding. “Shen Dan, I—”

Shen Dan peered down at him, his growing concern evident.

【4… 3… WARNING! WARNING!】

This is it! It’s over! I’m dead, I’m so so so dead!

【WARNING! 2… 1…  DELETION—】

I don’t want to die with regrets! YOLO world! Shen Dan, I have something to say!

“Shen Dan!” Mikhail screamed. “I… I… I like you!”

The blanket-wrapped Mikhail broke through his “taquito shell” to snatch hold of the collar of Shen Dan’s sweater. He tugged him forcibly, causing Shen Dan to lose balance and fall forward, the wind getting knocked clear out of his lungs.

Their lips collided in a kiss. 

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An agonizing ten seconds passed.

Not knowing whether he was dead or alive, Mikhail decided to hold this “fish kiss” with Shen Dan for a while longer.

Hello, Editing Department? If someone can apply a lens flare, cherry blossoms, and a ballad to this scene, it will be more fitting for my last moment on Earth—please and thank you!

Another agonizing ten seconds passed.

He wasn’t deleted.

Finally, he heard the System emit a protracted beep, and then:

【THE GUARDIAN ANGEL SYSTEM FREE 25-DAY TRIAL IS UNDERGOING SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE - PLEASE RETRY YOUR CALL WITHIN THE HOUR - THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING】

Mikhail inwardly sobbed with joy.

Hallelujah! Joy to the world! Blessing and glory and honor and prestige and money and health insurance and fame be to SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE forever and ever! Amen babeyyy~

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Exactly 1 second later, it dawned on Mikhail what had just happened.

He had confessed…

No, not only that… he had kissed…

Having smashed their lips together like a head-on car collision, Mikhail withdrew to inspect Shen Dan’s reaction.

Shen Dan was still straddling him. As if on cue, the clouds in the sky finally parted, the soft moonlight revealing his expression: his eyes were wide with shock; although his face was expressionless, the tips of his ears were bright red.

Fuck, isn’t this what Holland did to me?! I’m a filthy fucking hypocrite!!!!!

“S-s-s-sorry, Shen Dan,” Mikhail spluttered. He used his sleeve to scrub Shen Dan’s lips. “I’ll apologize formally in the future, p-please expect my resignation. Ah, if you want to report me for harassment, I understand—”

“Mikhail…” Shen Dan chuckled. He tiredly massaged his eyeballs.

“—tonight I’ll book a h-hotel, ah, but we’re snowed in… that is, tonight I’ll sleep in the garage, ah, but you don’t have a g-garage… that is, tonight I’ll s-sleep in the laundry room—”

“Mikhail…” Shen Dan whispered. He reached out to pinch Mikhail’s chin.

Bringing his face closer to Mikhail’s, Shen Dan leaned in.

Lightly, ever so lightly this time, their lips brushed.

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Life is fleeting…

The ambiguous feelings which had been simmering in Mikhail’s heart finally reached their boiling point.

He had narrowly avoided death—a death that was coming one way or another, be it in two minutes, two days, or in one hundred-million years. He didn’t want to waste any more time overthinking.

His eyelids sank. Although he had never been in a relationship before, fortunately, his body seemed to know what to do with the situation. He began teasing the seam of Shen Dan’s lips with the tip of his tongue.

Shen Dan swayed, inhaling sharply.

Gradually, the air between them heated up. Mikhail’s coaxing proved successful; Shen Dan parted his lips, allowing their tongues to touch.

As Mikhail threaded his fingers through Shen Dan’s hair, pulling gently, Shen Dan’s breathing became labored. Though Shen Dan’s upper body was bearing down on him, Mikhail could feel that the man’s every muscle was wound tight with restraint. His fingers dug into the back of the couch; he was trembling slightly, his expression pained.

Mikhail experimentally nibbled Shen Dan’s lower lip, causing the man to shudder. The more Shen Dan’s body responded to his immature advances, the more Mikhail felt his blood rushing south. His head spun.

“Shen Dan, you… are you holding back?”

There came a weak laugh. Shen Dan’s eyes smoldered. “Should I not be?”

“I kinda think you shouldn’t—”

In answer, Shen Dan suddenly grabbed Mikhail’s hand. He moved Mikhail’s hand lower, pressing it to the spot between his legs.

Feeling something hot and hard and huge lurking beneath the fabric of Shen Dan’s pants, Mikhail nearly jumped out of his skin.

Shen Dan’s voice was husky as he said, “My ‘like’ for you… is this kind of ‘like.’ Are you sure you don’t want me holding back?”

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CUT TO:

EXT. GENERIC SAVANNA - SUNSET

On the balcony of a house, MIKHAIL longingly looks out into the sunset. The yellow grasses of the savanna stretch as far as the eye can see. MIKHAIL dabs his eye with a kerchief, then blows his nose loudly. Suddenly, on the horizon, a gray speck appears.

The speck grows bigger and bigger, getting closer and closer. MIKHAIL’s eyes widen.

It’s an ELEPHANT.

The ELEPHANT, which is the size of three houses stacked on top of each other, sidles up to the balcony and trumpets. Subtitles at the bottom of the screen helpfully translate the following dialogue, in French, for viewers:

ELEPHANT

Mikhail, there’s no need to force yourself. I’m happy for the time we got to have together.

MIKHAIL

It’s not that! It’s just… you’re so much more intimidating up close… I’m sorr—

ELEPHANT

Please, Mikhail. There’s no need to apologize. I understand that for many, my incredible size and girth are imposing. However, whatever fears you have, I promise you, I am exceedingly precise and gentle. You see?

The ELEPHANT reaches out with its trunk. It is holding a perfectly plucked daisy, which it tucks behind MIKHAIL’s ear. MIKHAIL blushes.

MIKHAIL

Mm. Okay. I trust you. So, then… you and me, maybe we can take it slow?

ELEPHANT

It works for me.

MIKHAIL and the ELEPHANT reach towards each other. Before they touch, the glare from the setting sun overtakes the screen.

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Ah, life is fleeting…

Blushing, Mikhail leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around Shen Dan, burying his face in the man’s chest. The moon had disappeared back behind the clouds, leaving him blind as a bat, but he could feel Shen Dan’s heart was pounding as fast as his own.

His teeth were chattering in anticipation as he whispered into Shen Dan’s ear:

“My ‘like’ for you is that kind of ‘like,’ too.”

“Shen Dan, please…”

“Don’t hold back.”

These words would be the last ones Mikhail would utter with any semblance of composure.

Like a caged animal breaking free, Shen Dan took control a second later, pushing Mikhail down and entangling their tongues without finesse. The sound of quiet moaning and breaths intermingled filled the dark room. By the time their clothes were strewn about the floor, their rhythm, a far cry from its languid beginnings, had turned obscene.

Mikhail felt his sanity take flight. Like a drug invading his bloodstream, messily, Shen Dan drove into him without mercy.

The third-rate actor scum indeed kept his promise.

During this long night just getting started, there would be no holding back at all.