It’s something surreal, a sorrow this vivid without knowing the reason. Although maybe I do know the reason. And that thought scares the living hell out of me.

Startled, the ball of chaos breaks up, some looking at Lucy, then all looking at me. Joan springs to her feet, jaw slack. Emi’s eyes are wide as saucers, so are Nick’s. Harris almost seems emotionless when he looks at me. He turns back to Emi and breaks the sudden silence. “Can you please go back to beating the shit out of me?” He asks. Emi rolls off of him, eyes still glued on mine.

“Instructor?” she says airily. “Is that you?”

I walk slowly to Lucy, each step an insane weight strapped to my feet, and I drop in front of her.

From here I can see the swolleneness of her eyes from previous tears, the red of her nose. Her lips have been peeled off in places, bitten beyond raw and scabbed over. Her short hair sticks up at odd angles, the bright blondish color muted in places. The shirt she wears is too baggy on her. She looks like just skin and bones in it, so small.

“Your brother,” I say, even though I know. I’m willing for it to not be true, willing every cell in my body to turn back time. I still cannot stop myself from asking. “Where is he?”

Her cries sound nearly painful. It’s a desperate, mournful type. She shakes her head, that’s all. But it's enough.

A static shock washes me from my head down to my toes. My brain is sent into overdrive, working so quickly that it doesn’t work at all.

“No,” I whisper sharply. I shake my head in return, much more eagerly. “No, you’re wrong. You- you’re wrong.”

This makes Lucy cry harder. I think I would even feel bad if I weren’t so shocked. I feel knocked out of my body, sent into some kind of auto-function.

“No,” I say again, louder. “I can still feel him. He’s still – Aiden is still alive. He has to be.”

“Alexis,” Wu says softly. She pads carefully over to me, crouching to eye level, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I need to talk to you, but let's not do this here.”

“He’s not dead,” I tell her, like that would make it true. My hand gropes over my chest, searching for a tangible form of that warmth I still feel. “I still feel him.”

In the doorway stands the former crowd, and somewhere along the way Harris storms out, practically running out of the room. But it all muddles in my brain, an unfathomable mess of thoughts. And I cannot make sense of a single one.

Joan grabs me by the hand and for once I don’t push away. She steers me out of the lunchroom, yelling something at Ezra as we slide past the crowd, soaring down the corridor to an alcove in the wall.

“Listen to me,” she says, leaning close to cut through the mess in my head. “Maybe this is a terrible idea to tell you but I feel it too,” she says. “I think you’re right, that Aiden’s alive, somewhere. The others didn’t believe me but I-," she clears her throat, shakes her head. "I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but it’s more than just a feeling. It’s like… a – a warmth. A-”

“A promise.”

Like the flip of a switch, I feel the moment when the screaming in my head abruptly quiets. I take a breath and everything is replaced with a cold emptiness, the armor of a soldier, a killer.

“After the church, what happened? The last thing I remember was Ishna and the troops.” Joan’s lips press together, holding back words. She’s reluctant. So I press harder. “Tell me everything, Wu. Everything you can remember. Don’t soften any edges for me.”

“Instructor, I need to tell you before anything that, even though we can feel him, that doesn’t mean he’s coming back. Even if he’s alive, I’m afraid of the possibilty that he’s trapped in a place none of us can reach.”

“From the beginning, Wu. What happened when I blacked out?”

Her eyes dart from the hall to my eyes. She leans back against the wall, head knocking against plaster.

“That’s the thing, Alexis. You didn't just black out. You died.”

***

“Wait, Instructor! Where are you going?” Joan shouts, riding my heels.

“You said Emilia was the one who tried to stop him, right?”

“You need to calm down! We don’t know anything yet.”

“I am perfectly calm,” I say over my shoulder. And, on the outside, anyone would think so. My posture is relaxed, my strides are breezy, but inside is what she’s talking about. And inside is anything but.

Everyone is where we left them, all whispering, as though a lowered voice could soften this kind of blow, but the talking trails off when I throw open the door, striding for Moore. She straightens, instinctively rising to her feet, ready for reprimand.

“Sir?”

“You tried to stop him right?” 

“I-”

“It’s a yes or no question, Moore.”

“Yes sir,” she says quickly.

“Did he say where he was going?”

“N-no.” 

“Did he mention the church? Emi, did he mention the safehouse at all?” I ask, although my words come out far fiercer than I expect. She blinks, but does not flinch. She was taught better than that.

“I don’t think so.”

“Yes or no?”

“I don’t remember!”

“Emilia, this is important! Yes or no, did he mention the church?”

“I said I don’t think so!” She snaps back. “He barely said anything. That idiot was so confident he was going to rescue you.” I watch her eyes water, feeling something crush in my chest with realization. “It was like he knew he wasn’t coming back.”

I look at Ezra, at the look on their face. It confirms everything I had thought.

He's trapped there. In Caligo.

“The only way for a soul to return alive in the mortal world is with a living coin,” Ezra says, as though reading my mind, combing a slender hand through their long hair. “And the only way someone can accomplish something like that is through a trade. That fact that you’re alive right now means he gave his up for you. It’s the only way I know, which is why I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.” 

He’s trapped in Purgatory with no way out. Even if I were to travel through the Dark, through the shadow world, Votum’s kingdom is untouchable to the living. I’m sure the only reason Aiden was able to even find me was by going to the underworld first, crossing the Acheron–the River of Death. And I’m sure he had help from the keeper of Hell himself.

Joan was right. He’s alive still, out there, even without his coin. But he’s imprisoned by the very being set on destroying him. And not just him, the entire menagerie of worlds.

And if the blood moon comes, he will succeed.

Aiden sacrificed everything. And for what? I’m not the one who’s prophesized to do jack shit. I can’t save the world. I can barely save myself. Why the hell would he do this? He should have just let me stay dead. Now the entire world’s doomed. And, even worse, if we all die now–if I die now–I will never get to see him again. Because I will pass on and he will… he will be stuck there. For eternity. Alive or dead.

Maybe something has already killed him, maybe he’s already dead and what remains of his soul has been stolen from him. What if Votum takes it and uses it to rip open the space between worlds? Hell, he won’t even need the fetish, he’ll be able to free all demons on his own with Aiden's gift. He’ll tear down the walls of Purgatory and… if he got ahold of Aiden's soul–the cornerstone of life–he would have the power not just to destroy but rebuild everything. He would become God.

That’s what Ita and Ezra were warning us about. Freedom. Not just from that dark pit, nor from his incessant hunger, but from this very reality. From the Creator. And from all of Her creation.

This is not just about Lysander's war anymore. It's not about the Alloy or Atlas or any of it. It's about preserving life itself.

“Alexis?” Amy asks tentatively. She waves a hand in front of my face as I blink myself back to earth. “Are you… ok?”

“He looks fine,” Nick says.

“Yeah. That’s what I’m worried about.”

Hamid guides Amy away, telling everyone to give me some space. As much as I’m grateful, it’s too little too late.

One of my wards slips. It’s barely a second, but more than enough time to wreak havoc. All the lights above flicker off and a blanket of darkness falls over the sun, cloaking us in momentary absolute darkness. The wall of windows shatters, and everyone covers their ears, dropping for cover. I cannot move. My muscles are all too tightly bound.

Hamid, who is shielding both Joan and Amy, shouts something at me. It doesn’t stick, not until he reaches out, and a flood of warmth passes through my body. I gasp, pull myself together. The ward goes back up.

The lights flicker back on, lighting the damage around us. Thankfully no one appears hurt, but the tables and chairs have all been thrown away from me, glass shards all tossed around the floor. The black knives jutting out from the ceiling and walls and me all fade, retracting beneath my skin.

“Alexis-”

Ezra tries to close the distance while Manon yells at me but I’m already booking it out of the room.

I can’t let myself go. I need to shut it off. I need to calm down. I need a plan.

My skin is screaming, I cannot listen. My heart is crying. I cannot let it.

Votum cannot have him. Even in death, he cannot have him. He belongs in the light. And that’s where he will be returned.

He sacrificed everything to bring me back, I will not throw away this second chance at life so easily. But I will do everything I can to bring him home. And if that means trading our places once more then I will do so in a heartbeat. At least I would be where I’m meant to be. Not that I would surrender willingly to Votum, not without a fight.

But that’s a last resort. Hell, I don’t even know if it’s possible. I need plans, a course of action. If the world hasn’t ended yet, that means Aiden is still alive. And hopefully that means Votum or his demons haven’t found him yet. He just needs to hold out a little longer, until I can find him.

But how? And what then? That’s the problem. How do I get him out?

What would Mizuki do?

I find the bathroom and barricade myself up against the door again. This time I fall to my knees. It smells like herbs and flowers, like my mother’s perfume. I had since forgotten that smell, but it blindsides me suddenly. I breathe in deep, hold the air in my lungs, an attempt to focus myself as I hastily wipe at my eyes.

What would Mom do?

I have lost too many people to waste the last of my life. Too many good people. There’s nothing that could make me understand why I was the one who survived when better people didn’t. But I have a chance now to make it right. I promised Zu that I would take care of him and I meant it. I just have to – I have to think.

What would Aiden do?

He would say something crazy, do something crazy. And it would somehow work. He would find a way to save me and save the world.

Aiden wouldn’t make a plan, not a very strategic one at the very least. He would wing it. He would have faith in himself to pull through. Or he’d have one hell of a death wish. When he saved me, he didn’t even know if it would work, or if he would come back. But he did it anyway. He just believed it would.

I’m not going to trade places. I’m going to save him. And me. I’ll save all of us this way. It will happen because I believe it.

***