CONTENT WARNING: Mention of SA

It was a cold breeze, as gentle as a breath, that stroked the top of Conri’s head, causing him to stir in his sleep. It was unnerving despite the relaxing chill it sent down his spine. He couldn’t tell immediately, but what he thought was the texture of his ceiling turned out to be pale white stars in a murky blue sky. A few blinks for good measure confirmed that he had ended up laying down outside. He sat up, felt the ground below him to find solid concrete with a pattern of cracks that reminded him of the roof of his apartment complex. Rising to his full height he watched his surroundings flicker to life. Under the murky sea of stars was the city he called home, yet it wasn’t completely accurate. The buildings and landmarks looked identical, but the white lights emanating off them highlighted their washed out colors. 

Cautiously, Conri walked to the edge of the platform and peered over into a never ending colorless pit. His ears picked up no sound from his surroundings. The city looked awake, but its refusal to answer left him disheartened. Having some knowledge of how these scenarios end, Conri took a chance and sat on the edge, dangling his feet above what should’ve been the street. 

The silence sat with him giving no comfort. 

The moment only interrupted off to his side by a soft brush along his hand. Conri could feel his heart jump and his lungs freeze as he willed himself to keep looking ahead, afraid of what he might find sitting next to him. It gave no other sudden movements at first. After a few seconds, Conri felt it again, brushing along his knuckles, yet heard nothing. The odd reassuring gesture made a tempting offer to avert his gaze and look. As if approaching a wild animal, he turned with caution. A large grey hand had taken hold of his. Hairy knuckled and rich black nails. Conri’s eyes followed the hand up to a bare arm connected to a solid torso. Leaning back to gaze up at the head of this mountain of a man. 

Conri whipped his head away as sound shot through his ears. A pitched ringing: a warning. Pinching his eyes shut in shock as it rang. 

“Its best to not look.”  

  

Opening his eyes towards the city caused the ringing to stop. Only knowing the presence of one other person, Conri tried to look again. The ringing started once more. 

“Its best to not look, Conri.” 

“But I need to see you.” 

Conri’s mouth did not move, it was as if his words were speaking for him. Each playing out in front of him as quote cards in an old film. Clear and clean against a solid background blinking in front of him as they ran through a silent script.

“You have no need for me. You only want me.” 

“How do you know? How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I need?” 

The ringing had not returned since he hadn’t attempted to take another look at the individual. 

“It would’ve only hurt you. Leave you with a life not worth living.”

“So none of it was real? It was all one-sided, just like your family said?” 

“...”

“Is that why you never fully expressed your feelings with your words?” 

“...”

“Are you saying that you were just using me and you felt nothing. You want to hear me say that it was truly better for me without you, is that what you want to hear?” 

Conri’s words aggressively filled the solid background as he waited for a reply, but no words were written back. Bracing his ears, telling himself over and over what to expect to avoid being surprised, Conri turned to look. The ringing started immediately, but he dared not look away yet. Shooting his gaze up towards where a head and face should have stood. Instead he found a continuous rolling cloud of ash cutting the body at the neck. Black soot and ash flecked off as the cloud rolled over itself again and again, hiding most of the distinctive facial features, except for a pair of jagged curved horns. 

Pressure began to build behind Conri’s eyes and he could feel a nauseating heat boil in his chest. He couldn’t fight it anymore, he looked away. 

“I thought we were helping each other. I believed in us M– “ Conri’s words started to fill the space until he weakly opened in a feeble attempt to speak a name. An uncommon name with a heavy burden dragging it back down his throat. He could feel himself begin to choke. 

The hand gripped Conri’s tightly to ease the struggle, yet it couldn’t hide its own trembling shudder. It hurt at first, but Conri recognized the effort, which made it that much harder for him to calm down. Finally admitting defeat he closed his mouth. He couldn’t do this here. He didn’t want to do this in such a setting, so he let the words resume.

“Emmett, I feel like I should blame you because in the end you left me in the dark.” The hand that held him loosened allowing him to break the connection. “You just left me carrying so many unanswered questions and I filled my thoughts and dreams with possible explanations, but I reach the same damned open ending every time and it's maddening.” Conri stood, his feet facing the silent city, his toes just over the edge. “We were both suffering and now I’m left re-living the suffering you saved me from.” 

A source less white light flashed in the pair’s direction, engulfing them in a spotlight, erasing most of the hues and tints of grey. The rays of light burning as it singled them out to the void. It obstructed Conri’s vision of any potential words that would’ve appeared from the conversation. Conri couldn’t tell if the other was taken off guard, but hoping to not include the ringing onto his growing anxiety, he kept his eyes shut. The longer he stood centerstage in the light, the hotter he burned, it was excruciating. Exposing and humiliating. So much so that he feared his clothing had been scorched off him: in an attempt to shielded his body, he felt himself begin to cower.

Through his closed eyes black words began branding themselves onto his inner eyelids.

“Still trying to be everything you think you can be?” 

Conri could only read those words over and over hoping they would change. Hoping for it not to be what he knew they were. Agitated terror shocked his body. Desperation for escape was his only thought. He walked forward and off the edge. 

_ _

Conri shot up from his chair, shaking as he stared disoriented at the surface of his kitchen table. Directly below him were scraps of paper with crudely rendered diagrams and words he was supposedly copying from the introductory textbook lying open next to it. He also found his dinner plate, laden with crumbs, holding his fork and beside two used mugs. The memory of him studying felt correct, but he couldn’t place it when he would’ve fallen asleep. The oven clock read 3:02 AM.

Making the choice to save the cleaning for later, he made his way to the bathroom. The overhead light softly buzzing as he turned on the sink faucet. Removing his glasses, splashing cold water in his face, wetting his bangs and sideburns in the process. He hovered just above the sink, letting water droplets fall into the pool of running water that was being taken in by the drain. The sound of it filling the space that previously held his fear. Conri moved his focus on his clothing: his tank top was two sizes too big, but he could see the faded yellow color and his red plaid boxers. Sounds and color were accounted for. 

Turning off the sink, he stared at his damp reflection, watching himself breathe in and out. Exhaling and closing his eyes to search for the burnt message. Nothing. 

Relaxing his shoulders, he opened his eyes and found another in the mirror’s reflection. A towering sculpted figure with a pattern of scars along his left arm and steel grey eyes. From the mirror, its arms lashed outwards, constricting around Conri’s body, holding one arm bent behind with the other across his torso. Tight and hardened muscles flexed aggressively against him. 

“You seem to have forgotten what I said.” Conri felt an angular chin rest against his shoulder and a pair of lips caressing the edge of his ear. The breath was hot and warm like the after feeling of alcohol. Panic overtook his senses, he didn’t know if this was a dream anymore, he thrashed against his assailant. In the mirror he watched his body become overwhelmed with his escape attempts. The bicep pressed into his neck made it difficult to scream. 

The figure’s mouth sneered next to his head, enjoying the show in the mirror, before slipping their hand down Conri’s shirt. The callous hand rubbing against his skin brought back unwanted memories as his face reddened, he felt rough fingers teasing the grooves in his chest. 

“All good mutts find their way home because their best quality is their loyalty.” Their body pressed harder into Conri as their mouth nipped into Conri’s ear, teeth piercing his skin.

Memories of servitude flashed in the mirror as he craned his neck, trying to pull away, granting him an opportunity. Seizing it, he opened his mouth and screamed. 

_ _

The weight had disappeared as an alarm pinged on his nightstand. Again awoken from a lucid hellscape of repressed memories. Laying still against the haphazardly strewn bed sheets while staring at the ceiling. His breathing was out of sync with his alarm. Conri let his alarm ring until it turned itself off as he gripped with reality, body hot and burning, with his right arm extended at his side. Morphed, his claws frozen in a grip through the fabric of a spare pillow.